Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

friend: how long have you had that bourbon?

me: 20 years.

friend: why don’t you just drink it?

me: drinking age is 21 dude.

Priest: Do you take this woman do be your lawful wedded wife?
Yoda: Do I
Priest: That’s what I’m asking
Yoda: *long sigh*

Me: “Another day, another dollar.”
My boss: “Please don’t discuss your salary in front of co-workers.”

Maybe if Red Bull gave me buffalo wings i’d give a shit.

I deleted all my dating apps and I’m planning to meet a new partner the old fashioned way, necromancy.

My kid’s insults to each other:
“you have fat lips like Momma.”
“well, you have a big butt like Momma.
Thanks, kids.

i think it’s pretty cool that we can all agree on the most fucked up thing of the past decade.

it wasn’t ebola

it wasn’t trump

it wasn’t even blake shelton getting sexiest man of the year

it was that damn U2 album that apple decided to just download to everyone’s iphone

I put basketball in my Apple Watch Fitness and it asked me to update my will.

Friend: so drinks later?

Me: oh shit I can’t I’ve got work.

Friend: after 5?

Me: YES, KAREN. I HAVE A LOT ON MY PLATE AND A LOT OF PEOPLE DEPENDING ON ME.

Friend: uh..k?

-LATER-

Me: [playing animal crossing] here’s that apple I promised you, Rex. I told you I’d come through

Husband: *struggling to get soap out of the bottle*

Me: you know you could refill it

Husband: nah if you leave it long enough it fills up on its own

Me: do you think I’m the soap fairy!!?

Husband: omg are you?

Me: I hate you

Is it still an alien abduction if I packed a suitcase?

Can you put some pants on my voodoo doll & pop some money in the pocket please

[having heart attack] HELP…CAN’T…MOVE

ME: Dude, are you ok?!

[faintly] CALL…ME…A…DOCTOR

ME: Oh, sorry!! Doctor, are you ok?!

If your kids are playing and it gets totally quiet, then you hear one say “you’re okay, you’re okay,” they are definitely NOT okay.

As a dad it’s your duty to ask “how were the roads?” within fifteen minutes of a visitors arrival

Me *gently touches my wife’s casket* if I could change this I would

Wife: it’s your worst birthday gift yet

My parents: we have something to tell you

Me: ok

Parents: remember when wesaid your dog went to live on a farm

Me: Ya, muffin

Parents: well that didn’t actually happen

Me: oh no

Parents: he was actually arrested for smuggling fentanyl into the country in shipping containers

“Let there be me.” God, just before he created himself out of nothing.

“I FIXED IT!”

The 4 stage of life:
1. You believe in Santa Claus
2. You don’t believe in Santa Claus
3. You are Santa Clause
4. You look like Santa Claus

Tired of being single? Just lower your standards a bit. My new girlfriend is a coconut taped to a mop.

When the ex asks to be friends… it’s like your mum telling you that your dog is dead but you can keep it.

[marriage counseling]

She’s always getting mad at me

“There’s a shark living in our pool”

IT WAS SHARK WEEK AND HE WAS ON SALE, KAREN

what do you mean I never take you anywhere we just took a 365 day trip around the sun

The part of my boyfriend is now being played by what appears to be a memory of a time he said brb

“This is your raise. Please keep it confidential.”

“Don’t worry. I’m as ashamed of it as you are.”

Just once I’d like the guy hired to kill me to complete the job and not fall in love with me.

I wish the blonde girl with the pterodactyls would hurry up and kill everyone.

*novela book bar*

bartender: let me guess books not booze

him: tequila …

bartender: ’bout time here you go

him: … mockingbird

bartender: there it is

[texting]
Me: meet me at 8 sharp

Kid: what if I feel salient instead?

Me: just be on time

Kid: or acuminate, maybe cuspidated

Me: are you playing with the thesaurus on your phone again?

Kid: indubitably