Everyone: Wow, I love your official animal.
Aussies: Thanks, it has pockets.
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Me: they didn’t have cell phones when I was a kid
5: they also didn’t have cars
This is bullshit!
I asked for a “Happy Ending” at an Asian massage parlor, & now she’s dressed like Snow White, expecting me to marry her.
I hate all the “creepy clown” news. I’m having a clown solidarity march at dusk near an abandoned insane asylum. Need a calliope player.
Why is there never a child around when you need help opening a bottle of Tablets with a child proof lock?
If there’s anything I’ve learned from Twitter, it’s that men think they hate filters but have no idea when they’re being used.
Music – rock band
Jehovah’s Witness – knock band
Boats – dock band
Lip synched – mock band
Athletes – jock band
Safe cracker – lock band
Puppet – sock band
Clock maker – tock band
Chicken – b’gok band
Rooster – cock band
My imaginary girlfriend rolled in at 2:30 this morning, so things are a little tense over here.
If I had any self control I’d probably eat that too.
Date: I like a girl who knows about the human body *wink*
Me: *visibly excited* did you know that the right lung is divided into three lobes?
Date: no I meant
Me: but the left lung only has two!
Date: not like th— wait, really?
My little girl will never have daddy issues.
But her future boyfriends will.
*Listens to We Didn’t Start the Fire by Billy Joel*
*Adds history major to resumé*
Win every disagreement by saying ” I know. I’m from the future.” Because they can argue with you, but not science.
I probably should’ve said, “Congrats on your 4th child!” instead of “Halfway there, OctoMom”.
[wedding day]
fiancé: I shouldn’t have let you pick the photographer
me: but he’s my best friend
[our dog trots up wearing a go pro]
You’re born alone and you die alone. And a bunch of people annoy you in the middle. Okay, good night.
Our dog came in half-frozen after her walk. I haven’t seen that cat grinning this big since our dog had to wear the cone of shame.
My 8-year-old has been explaining his video game to me since 2003
English is crazy we’ve got silent g’s, p’s, h’s, mimes, c’s… where does the madness stop?
me: helo darkness my old friend
darkness, who just turned 30 and is totaly self-conscious about his age: cmon man im not old
M: what’s this about, 007?
James Bond: he’s plotting revolution, ma’am
M: are you sure?
JB: he’s happy to confess, ask him
M: *turning to the suspect* what do you have to say for yourself?
pigeon: coo
M: my god man, you’re right!
Warm welcome to all my new followers from last night when I changed my avi to a skinny brunette from Pinterest
On Monday I have appointments at the psychologist and the gynecologist and if it was the 1800s that would be the same thing
How to handle a one night stand the next morning:
1. Put on Titanic
2. He’s gone, that’s it
I cleaned the door glass and one of the dogs is barking at his reflection. That tells you how filthy the windows were.
“to my son, i leave my bathroom scale” the lawyer sighs “because where theres a will, theres a weigh. to my wife, i leave my last high five”
I like to think my essence leaves my body at night, and walks the lonely streets trying to eat custard with chopsticks.
Remember to kick Friday right in the panty hamster.
Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep…….
People believe that they have brains but maybe that’s just inside their heads.
My tiny body fills up with emotions faster than normal sized people so really it makes sense when I overreact to everything