Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sure you say you don’t want to be a parent but do you really want to risk missing the opportunity to say “take your feet out of the popcorn child!”

“I’m so sorry about your grandma passing away. If there’s anything I can do, just name it.”

“How are your resurrecting skills?”

I used to be a champion swimmer who beat every opponent. Then I was born.

Sorry I called your huge zit pimple poppenheimer

[getting yelled at by a stranger] whatever you’re just mad because i’m in your chimney

discovered i giggle in my sleep after downloading a sleep app and assume i will soon become a serial killer

Me: *Calls wife* Hey, did you know that cats use their whiskers to see if they can fit through places.

Wife: Yeah, is this why your calling me?

Me: Haha no, I’m stuck in the chimney.

teen me: I just wanna find a girl who’s nice and pretty and smart and kind

40s me: who wants to get freaky with mayonnaise, no weirdos

Me : It’s over & nothing you say will make me change my mind

Him : ‘I just ordered a large thin crust’

Me : Be there in 10 min

My license has hair and eye color listed as “BRO” and I’m like… 😎 I know right.

oh cool you can play this toilet on hard mode

Eating a takeout salad alone in your car can feel depressing, but not if you fully commit to the backstory that you’re a detective on a stakeout.

[first day in hell]

Me: oh is that a buffet of only gas station food?

Satan: *evil laughter* yes, and it’s all you shall ever eat for the rest of eternit—

Me: *already munching on a gas station taquito*

[On a date]
Him: I’m really into cars.
Me: [Trying to impress] oh yeah me too
Him: Oh nice! What’s your favorite kind?
Me: [Panicking] red

Don’t look at me like that, daycare lady. Yes, my 3-year-old is wearing shorts and two sweaters. When I’m late, I negotiate with terrorists.

A girl named ReAnne laying in bed each night wondering if she had an older sister named Anne and where she went wrong

*screaming at the smoke alarm*

DOES THIS SEEM HELPFUL TO YOU???

NEW ROOMMATE: What’s mine is yours.

[30 seconds later]

NEW ROOMMATE: I need my wheelchair back.

I hate it when people call me judgemental

Especially people wearing shoes like that

The Story of Volcanos
God: Ok, how about a mountain..
Angel: We got mountains.
God: Lemme finish. That shits fire.
Angel: Metal.
*fist bump*

Her: I’d really love some flowers.

Him: Orchids?

Her: No, just flowers.

I’ve gone unverified for 5,000 years.
Why change now?

Gin and tonic is weird, sometimes I need a lime wedge and sometimes I need to tell everyone what’s on my mind and then pass out.

Before Mississippi became a state, people measured time in Massachusettses.

So bored I just logged into my LinkedIn account.

‘Chicks dig scars’ I quietly sob after nicking my thumb on a cat food lid

Word of advice to all the babies readying to leave the womb: Don’t.

All bottle caps are twist-offs if you have a prosthetic robot hand

My son turned 8 yesterday. I’m killin’ it at this parenting thing.

Canadians: Maybe they’re born with it, maybe it’s maple leaf.