Everyone: Wow, I love your official animal.
Aussies: Thanks, it has pockets.
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FRIEND: Nice old house. Is it haunted?
ME: Yup.
FRIEND: Really? By who?
WIFE: [from kitchen] YOU LOADED THE DISHWASHER WRONG.
ME: The ghost of my mother.
A moth is just a butterfly with glasses and its hair up.
me: do you guys still give lollipops after sticking in the needle?
drug dealer: what?
Doctor: If it gets worse, who should we notify?
Liam Neeson: Next of Kin.
Doctor: It shouldn’t come to that, though. How are you feeling today?
Liam Neeson: High Spirits.
peppa pig implies the existence of salt pig
“I might pop down later” – Translation: You’ve more chance of seeing a dancing hippo than you have of seeing me later
When I say I’m not like other girls, I mean that I don’t mind bugs or dirt. Otherwise I am exactly like other girls, and yes, I’m still mad about that thing you said in August of 2009.
Seaweed is great for when you want to eat pure salt but wish it had the texture of slime.
ME: I want a koi swimming downstream
TATTOO ARTIST: Ah yes. That’s very symbolic. You must be very spiritual?
ME: Ya ha. Also, put a pop-tart in its mouth
My husband wants to make cauliflower crust pizza so now I have to run to the grocery store and find a new husband.
I am the proud father of two content providers. I mean children. Two children.
it is so crazy how many hours are actually in a day when u wake up before 11:30 am…..wow………do people know about this
Bisexuals are lucky. To the rest of us, life is a restaurant where you’re allergic to half the items on the menu.
Well it’s now clear to me that this crime scene would be considered, what? Pants required? Pants preferred?
Hey, is that guy dead?
Whenever someone says smart phones are turning people into zombies, look up from your phone just long enough to bite them.
ME: I’ve brought you a house-warming present
ESKIMO: You idiot
Today, I saw someone waving and I wasn’t sure whether they were waving at me or at someone behind me. In other news, I was fired from my lifeguard job.
I don’t know who’s having a worse day, the bird that’s repeatedly flying into my dining room window or my dog.
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to be alive.
My dad will drive six hours to avoid a three dollar ATM fee
You mean ‘idiosyncrasies’ doesn’t mean two or more idiots doing the same thing at the same time?
Been watching Dateline for years and still haven’t met anyone.
Before I work on myself, does anyone like me unhinged
If you love someone set them free? Girl, I can’t even get rid of the 257 plastic bags under my sink.
BOSS: I’m sorry mike, but you’ve been downsized
ME: (75% of my original size, in a voice 125% higher pitched) ahh maaan
Trees put cats in their hair so they can flirt with firefighters when they climb up them.
Cartoons falsely taught me to expect encountering an unimaginable amount of anvils in my day to day life
I don’t usually cry from onions, but this one’s story is so inspirational.
The 1st rule of idiom club is loose lips sink ships. The 2nd rule is don’t let the cat out of the bag. Last but not least, the 3rd rule.