Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When jogging, if i get tired, I insult the people i pass in my head & then imagine having to get away as they chase me…

You name it, my mother knows somebody who died of it.

My best relationship advice: Make sure you’re the crazy one.

I’m writing a horror story. It’s about a girl who forgets her headphones and her colleagues think it’s ok to talk to her. So much blood.

Texans can’t comprehend vegans. We just think their barbeque grills are broken.

I am not “living in fear”, I am “making reasonable efforts to not get COVID again because the first time I had it I ran a fever so high that I briefly met God and got to ask Him about His favourite wing sauce”, hope this helps

*swipes right by accident*

Him: You’re not really my type.

Me: Ignores all red flags from now on.

I want to apologize for the awful true things I said when I was angry.

I’m not saying I got lost, but a search party did find me on the wrong mountain.

My wife’s yoga class is really relaxing…

‘Cuz she’s usually gone for at least two hours.

You think you’ve got problems? This is what I’m having for dinner

Forget hobbies and and interests, dating apps should require people to share their Amazon order histories.

Don’t make a mountain out of a molehill
Do it with mashed potatoes, then play keyboard for the aliens

… I think my cough medicine expired

I tell my toddler she needs to put her own toys away so she’s started giving me all the toys she has out as ‘presents’ just before it’s time to tidy up and I can’t even be mad coz that’s genius

My 7 month old loves when we read books to her but she loves eating the books even more

grocery shopping hungry is way more interesting than full, hungry me is down to eat anything and everything

Last week my husband made a delicious chocolate mousse. Today he confessed that it was made with tofu. I’m doubtful our marriage can survive such deceit.

Husband: Where are Girl Scout cookies?

Me: We were robbed.

Husband: They only took the cookies?

Me: Well, that and the vase your mom gave us for the holidays. Weird, right?

“Hell yeah Trump got impeached looks like he’s finally out of office!”

*Deletes tweet*

*2 minutes later*

“Wow none of you know what impeachment means the senate still has to vote before he’s removed from office go take a college course”

Hell hath no fury like a toddler who just watched someone else push the elevator button

If I had a time machine I’d take 17 dollars to 1901 and buy several luxurious homes. Related: does anyone have a time machine and 17 dollars

A little girl in my class asked me if I like her more than cupcakes and now she won’t stop crying.

*I accidentally fall onto my computer and it logs me into Facebook* crap

*I try to get up but fall again and it causes me to type in my ex’s name* dangit

*I fall yet again and comment “your baby looks cross-eyed” on his album* oh shoot

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me forcing my cat to look at the screen while we watch alien (1979): do you see how ripley is able to save jonesy from the alien because he lets her pick him up and put him in a carrier?

Wow… the headline was intriguing, but the payoff was beyond my wildest expectations

Just started a new exercise program where I put on a gorilla mask and chase a random toddler through Costco.

Me: Shhh. You have to keep it down or my husband will hear us.
*Me talking to a loud, crinkly sleeve of Girl Scout Cookies.

Read It and Weep: A Book on How to Cry

*has elbow pain*

*checks WebMD*

*buys a burial plot*