Everyone writes, “why I’m leaving New York,” but no one writes, “how it’s going in New Jersey” 🧐
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There was a time when all I needed was to feed my grandpa’s goldfish, play with fridge magnets, and drink a 7up with a cherry… but daylight savings ruins everything
After 35, your body ages in dog years
debt collector: your bill is outstanding
duck: thank you
When the cleaning lady say’s “Have a good night”, I try to time it so we say it in unison. Then I say our “You too” response in harmony.
I just hope Matrix Resurrections ends with Neo teaching Agent Smith the true meaning of Christmas.
Why are they called bars and not alcohalls?
At George Orwell’s grave yesterday an American lady asked us how, if he died in 1940 (not the worst bit of this story), did he write a book in 1984…
Why am I single? *wipes hands on shirt like a napkin* Beats me.
Gym receptionist: Would you like a towel?
Me: *puts down rack of ribs and licks fingers* Sure!
If my dad asks, there’s definitely NOT a karate tournament in our house tomorrow at 3.07pm *wink*
Don’t be afraid to ask questions during a job interview. It’s the best way to find out if the person you’re interviewing is a good candidate for the job.
Everyone’s a gangster until the grocery store switches their aisles around.
We took family pictures with an actual photographer today. No one argued, no one yelled, no one whined, no one cried. Years from now we can look at these photos and say, “this is how we never were.”
Fun prank:
Tell an English major how “impactful” something is.
The guy who named peacocks was never allowed to name anything again
Her: Umm…Where are you going?
Me: Walking the dog.
Her: When you get back, we need to talk.
* walks dog…returns 3 days later
I am 36 years old. I could have been a dog three times by now.
My daughter wrote “Daddy is the best” in the snow then smashed it when I made her come inside. She’ll make some lucky guy miserable one day.
*Weird bird sound in the distance*
4 year old: “what’s that ?”
Me who knows nothing about birds: “well that’s a juvenile red tailed warbler thing a majig calling out to its mom for a snack”
4: nods head knowingly with a head full of misinformation
bias laundering edition
me: do that thing i like
him: stops blocking the kitchen drawer i need to get into
Given the memory span of a goldfish…
Watching a movie and this guy just shoved three dead bodies into a trunk and all I could think was, “That’s some serious storage. What kind of car is that?”
So my question to you is, do I have to start wearing New Balance and cargo shorts now?
Me: All these people posting wacky things they did in lockdown. I WAS TOO BUSY.
Also Me: *remembering the household playing ‘Hide the Onion’, where one person hides an onion & if you find the onion, you declare the onion found & re-hide the onion. This went on for 2 months*
Women in romance books: I know I just met him 3 days ago but I am in love with him.
Me: We’ve been dating for 8 years and I guess I like you.
I wish I could put an AirTag on my sanity.
My husband swears he doesn’t read my stupid magazines, so I guess we have a ghost that leaves my Entertainment Weekly in the bathroom.
Leave the past behind. Smile every day. Never wear underwear. I don’t know. Inspirational tweets are hard.
Dogs are man’s best friend because a dog would never blindside you with an eleven person group text.
Nobody needed expensive gym memberships in the 70s. They had rotary dial phones.