*Everyone yelling about politics at Thanksgiving dinner*
Me: *taps wine glass* “Quick poll: who wants the last piece of pie before I eat it?”
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Breaking: CNN confirms planes need fuel to fly. In other news, scientist confirm brains are not needed to work at CNN.
I trapped a ghost in my cooler to keep my beer cold.
Why does everyone mention that in space no-one can hear you scream instead of mentioning something positive like how no-one can hear u yodel
I’m drawn toward women who are beautiful when they are angry because once we start dating that’s how they’ll look 90% of the time
To whoever stole my thesaurus, you made my day bad. I hope bad things happen to you. You’re a bad person.
Scientists say Spider-Man would not be able to climb vertical surfaces due to his size. It’s almost like someone made the whole thing up.
Hey Dads who think that being home with the kids alone is called “babysitting”. You’re wrong. It’s called “parenting”. Not the same.
My 4yr old keeps handing me toy dinosaurs and asking what kind they are and I have no clue… so I’ve been making up names.
Oh buddy that’s a plethosaurus.
That one’s a legiosaurus.
That’s a longneckasaurus.
Oh yes and this is the elusive bigbuttosaurus.
I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.
So far I’ve got 5,000 signatures.
Squirrels always act like they just realized they left the oven on back in their tree
Looking for a friend with benefits. Preferably dental.
Politics top tip: Gain people’s trust by telling them that everyone is lying to them.
DATE: I want someone who can cook
ME: [fully aware that I eat waffles while they are still frozen] I love cooking
[Controversial and unpopular statement]
People ask me, “Matt, how do you do it?” , “Matt, what’s your secret?” , “Matt, why do you make up imaginary interview questions?”
I almost accused a 10 yr old of stealing my dance moves but it turns out he just really had to go to the bathroom & didn’t know where it was
me: THAT’S IT YOU’RE GROUNDED
son: [shrugs]
me: U LOSE UR PHONE
son: ok
me: AND UR COMPUTER
son: whatever
me: AND…AND…
son: [smirks]
me: NO GRAVITY FOR A WEEK
son: wait, no- [smacks into ceiling]
When I say I’m “going through something” I usually mean a family size box of croissants
[at KFC]
“One bargain bucket please”
“ok sir, and would you like any sides?”
“Yes please, otherwise the chicken will fall out”
date: I think we’ve actually met before
picasso: sorry I’m not good with faces
If your drug dealer answers your call on the first ring …. he’s a cop.
Let’s walk barefoot on grass!
-People who have never walked a dog
Joggers that run early in the morning aren’t doing it for the exercise, they are just looking for dead bodies. “5am, welp time for my daily sweep for murder victims,” they say.
As soon as we’re able to go to church again I’m not going.
(Guy who was trapped in a well for 20 years standing in front of the Get Well Soon cards at the pharmacy, frowning)
If you take your antidepressant prescription to the pharmacy in your wedding gown while sobbing incoherently, they will fill it instantly.
Where’s the lie? 🤣🤣
They invented ceiling fans after a bunch of people got their legs cut off by floor fans.
“I’m away at school for one day and you give away my room?!”
