everyone: “you changed”
the climate: i know 😞
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Parent Tip: don’t tell your child “I’m waiting, I can wait all day if I have to” unless you’ve actually cleared your schedule for the day.
Just so you know, it’s almost impossible to drink coffee while laying down.
My 9yo just asked me: if I fail a test was it me who did bad or the teacher? 🤯
[15:00]
I’m not really feeling this edible.[15:30]
*trying to order chinese food from starbucks*
*first date*
Him: You’re very interesting.
Me: Thank you.
Him: And fun to be around.
Me: That’s nice, thanks.
Him: You need to stop all of that if this is going to work.
Me:
Him: I’m just trying to help you. Change is good.
Me: Check please!
*Werewolf about to eat me*
Me: I hope I give you meat sweats.
[grabs mic at wedding]
yooo I got u guys a kitchenaid mixer and u will never use it
beyond meat implies the existence of bed meat and bath meat
A black James Bond? Wouldn’t work. He’d be pulled over every 15 minutes for driving an Aston Martin.
After eating this cereal for 30 years I am still neither lucky nor charming.
dating apps aren’t working so it’s time to look confused in a trader joe’s
I am not gullible. I am just easily tricked- which someone told me is different.
Cashier: you’re 8 cents short
Me: it’s only 8 cents can you just let it slide
Cashier: no
Me: *slides cashier 20 dollars* what about now
Sorry I chased you three city blocks but I wanted to meet your dog
One day we’re gonna discover that Squarespace has been committing countless mysterious murders, solely to fuel the Murder Podcast Industry, their no.1 source of advertisement
Remember four years ago when we were all ‘nature is healing’ and then my grandma got mugged by a swan.
Torturer: you shock him this time
Me: more people have been on the moon than won Takeshi’s Castle
Torturer: no not— wait really
Look, woman, I’ll do laundry when I’m out of clean clothes. *puts on skirt* I didn’t say whose clothes.
Love is for stupid people who don’t have Twitter.
*passes thru suburbs* roll up ur window, son. this is a bad neighborhood. this is where ppl who comment on newspaper articles live
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Thou art not as nice as this time last year.
I thought the brakes on my car were squealing but it was just a Mariah Carey song on the radio.
You are what you eat? I’m about to become sandals
I’m not saying I’m going to become a heart surgeon or anything but I DID just open the beginning of a new toilet paper roll with no rips.
[someone attempts to speak to me]
ME: *to self, but at a completely audible volume* okay, remember your training
Best bird cliques…
A “murder” of crows
A “flamboyance” of flamingos
A “fall” of woodcocks…aka dudes who realize they’ve been catfished
What if IN DA CLUB was a Christmas Song?
Future historians will be asked which quarter of 2020 they specialize in.
Why must I prove that I am me to pay my bills over the phone?
Do strangers call to pay my bills?
And if they do, why don’t you let them?
99% Indians work on the Principle of Rockets.
It doesn’t mean we aim for the sky.
It means, we don’t start work unless our tail is on fire