everyone: “you changed”
the climate: i know 😞
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I have a tattoo of a gigantic bruise on my left ankle in case anyone ever asks me to go hiking.
Or help them move.
10-year-old: Can we have ice cream for dinner?
Me: We can have ice cream after dinner.
10: Dinner will ruin my appetite.
In hindsight, I made two key mistakes on this family vacation:
1) Going on vacation
2) Taking my family
Your cougar jokes make me puma pants.
Told my friends that I was qualified to give them Botox injections. I raised a few eyebrows.
The year is 2016. Dads go out for a vape pen refill and never come back.
What idiot called it a national anthem instead of country music?
true friends will unglue your lips from your leg when DIY waxing goes terribly wrong
Me: uh oh someone’s under the mistletoe!
Raccoon I’ve cornered in the garage: [hisses angrily]
I guess someone’s New Year’s resolution was to crop dust me at the grocery store.
A woof in sheep’s clothing.
Marriage Counselor: Maybe you should change your responses to the things your wife says.
Me: Fine, I can do that.*two days later*
Her: Do these jeans make me look fat?
Me: Yep.
me: do you want to feel my face, i’m very handsome
blind date: you do know i’m not actually blind, right?
me: *stuffing ryan gosling bust back into my bag* yes of course
Having a tattoo in a hidden place is really just entertainment for the coroner.
Strength training is a great form of anger management cause I can’t scream and yell when I have an injured back!
every outdoor cat should be given a little cowboy hat and a gun
What’s the normal amount of hair to mail someone? I feel like this is a lot of hair I’m mailing to someone
Might get a Gatorade logo tattoo to symbolize my contempt for thirst.
Prosecutor (showing slide): Is this your Yelp review history?
Me: Yes but
Prosecutor: 26 proctologists?
Me: What you have to understand is
Prosecutor: You described this one as “pleasantly judgmental”
She didn’t believe I was single so I showed her my bathroom with the Metallica poster
40% of my vocabulary consists of words that I inventaciously creatified.
My New Year’s resolutions:
1. Stop making lists.
B. Be more consistent.
7. Learn to count.
Her : I wanna be held
Me : Accountable or Hostage?
Them: You want the truth?
Me: No thanks, I’m trying to cut back.
Me: Ugh! I never know what to say in these situations…
Friend: You say ‘good morning’ back
Admit it, no one really knows how to use the memory function on a calculator. We’re all just too embarrassed to ask now.
My 89 year old mom asked if I was on that “Tic-tac-toe” site.
I let an AT&T Customer Service Representative call me Brenda for a half hour because I was too embarrassed to correct him