everyone: “you changed”
the climate: i know 😞
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Please lower gas prices, I’m not built for onlyfans
Our wifi is down and I had to fap using only my imagination like some kind of savage 🙁
How much for the Ice Cream Scoop?
Ma’am, that’s a Shovel.
Perks of dating me: You will be the hot one
(watching the Alien crawl around vents and slowly kill off my crew mates) I could fix him…
Mobster: Take Jack up the hill and make it look like an accident.
Jill: You got it, boss.
Once my wife asked me to tell her a story that would put her asleep, so I said “let’s talk about the history of operating systems.”
The exasperated gasp and nearly audible eye-roll told me I was on the right track! 😜
I have a picture of Leonard Nimoy holding a kitten.
I call it Spock and Aww.
Thank you. Goodnight, everybody.
in a world where big data threatens to commodify our lives,. telling online surveys that i “Dont know” what pringles are constitutes Heroism
My kid told me her toy tarantula and bat had babies and I’ll never sleep again
Me: I’m not going to spend money on a Halloween costume this year.
Also me: *comes home with 5 Halloween costumes for my dog*
Weirdest thing about elephants is how their trunks are so flexible. You can tie like 12 of them together into a single knot. Don’t ask how I know but I need a ride home from the zoo like now if anyone is free.
No, I don’t think I will.
When I dance people say it reminds them of a wild hog chasing it’s tail inside a jar of pickles.
shampoo has ruined me — lather, rinse, repeat. it never ends. every time i rinse i have to start again. i’ve been in the shower for 9 years
I noticed you’re eating that bag of popcorn one piece at a time.
So how many people have you murdered?
ME: Is that a B or an 8?
HUSBAND: It’s a D. When are you going to get reading glasses?
ME: My eyes are fine. The print is too small.
KID: It’s an O. You’re both blind.
People think getting married young is a bad idea.
I got married young and everything worked out.…not with her, obviously, but still.
NOBODY MOVE I LOST AN HOUR
BF went to text me “almost there”
It came out “almost dead”
So hungover, I wrote back “thank god”
And now he arrived and things are awkward
You know those lines you see painted on parking lots? I know this will come as a shock to some of you, but you’re supposed to park between them.
People are ruining the word Daddy, my kids are going to have to call me ‘homie’ or some shit.
(filming reality TV show)
him: we’re out here looking for Bigfoot
me: so a guy with just one foot?
him: no, an ape-type creature
me: gotcha. a big hairy guy. with one foot
him: he has 2 feet
me: why isn’t he called BigFeet then?
him: get out
The same fruit bar has been going back and forth in my kid’s lunch for so long that at this point it’s load-bearing
I was mowing with earbuds. My mom pulls up. I motion I can’t hear. She gives OK sign and proceeds to motion by thumping her chest. Pointing to her house and puts up 9 fingers. Idk wtf is happening. She gets mad and speeds off. Cause ya know, it’s my fault obviously.
My family lived on such a tight budget growing up that whenever there was a light at the end of the tunnel, my dad would turn it off.
It’s been 5 days since the last full moon. If you’re still trapped as a werewolf it’s time to see your doctor or veterinarian.
*mom puts a gummy vitamin in my mouth while I yawn*
Mom, I’m 36. *chews it up, swallows* Adults are supposed to have 2 though.