everyone: “you changed”
the climate: i know 😞
You Might Also Like
Enter a cafe. Ask to see the menu. Say, Have you got anything a mouse would like? When they say No, whisper into your sleeve & leave.
they could’ve used a picture of a brain or something lmao
When the @funTweeters account RTs my tweet.
I’d use my best pan on you.
Those American Pickers guys drove all over the country looking for antiques when they could have just bought stuff new and then waited.
“Contactless is safer”, I tell my husband
Breaking news:
A birth certificate is a basically a baby receipt.
In gangster movies they “know a guy” for every dirty job, yet I can’t find a single rando to fill in for Tuesday softball
The toughest test in a marriage is interpreting the statement, “Don’t get me anything for Christmas.”
I was really excited about my first Roomba fitness class last night. Not what I expected. Kinda sucked tbh.
If she hides her money in her bra, that’s called a treasure chest.
Scientists now believe that approx 2% of Earth’s water at any given time is found on Tupperware containers being removed from the dishwasher
Jesus: [walking past a pond]
[A herd of hungry ducks begins waddling behind him]
Jesus: [starts walking faster]
this… may be the greatest story ever told
I painted a hot chick with big jugs
Me in my 20s: [faking it till I make it]
Me in my 30s: [still faking it till I make it]
Me on my deathbed: ANY day now
You never say “I love you” back
Tater tots:
⛄️
To make a long story short, just walk away once you’re bored.
The billionaire who’s hunting me for sport is mad because I’m not trying. I’m running in slow motion making Chariots of Fire noises
Quick shout-out to @funTweeters. The “aggregators” and “parodies” could learn a thing or two from this account. It’s aggregation done right.
Everyone out here workin’ on their cores and I’m just tryna get as close as possible to the drive thru window so I don’t have to stretch.
[letter to vitamin company]
So your ad said that this supplement “helps with memory loss” but I’m still remembering stuff
High School Reunions are bullshit. Why would I pay money to see people I’ve been deliberately avoiding for the past 20 years
You’d think being an introvert is less dangerous, but I just ran across 3 lanes of traffic to avoid interacting with a crossing guard.
Mary had a little lamb.. And then she had a very large kebab.
It’s getting Hot In Herre, so take off all your clothes! Also, drink this water because I don’t want you to get dehydrated.
-Nervous Nelly
I’m meeting a man I really like for drinks. If I play my cards right, he’ll be deleting my number in a few hours.
FROM THE FIRST BITE YOU CAN TELL CELERY DOESN’T WANT TO BE EATEN