everyone: “you changed”
the climate: i know 😞
You Might Also Like
“I’m in love with the shape of ewe.”
-Ed, shearing
Did you know pigs have orgasms that last 30 minutes?
This is God thanking them for bacon.
Those three magical words:
“Where’s the plunger?”
Sirens: *luring me to my death*
Me: *finger guns*
Sirens: Eww. Nevermind.
Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom
…but it’s just me attempting to recover silverware from my teenage son’s bedroom.
Just read that the average woman goes on 7 diets in her lifetime and I was like “wtf” because I’ve been on 7 diets since lunch.
I am rarely judgmental, but I do scowl, and shake my head slowly in disapproval whenever I see a vegan biting its nails.
[eulogy] “Before we get started I’d like to ask Jenny, Dawn, Rachel, the deceased’s 2 sons and the entire front row to put down your phones”
Be nice to your family. They get to pick the picture that will be in your obituary.
Nobody’s a bigger drama queen than soup in a microwave.
Life is short. Beat it up and steal its lunch money.
is it just me or are we all a little bit disappointed whenever they lift a tsunami warning
I feel bad when a fly gets into my house. I know that little guy is starving cause I ate and left no crumbs
“Please don’t make a scene.” -Horrible movie director
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
You smell of bins.
“All I ever wanted to do is make a difference.” – Subtraction Man
“You were out too late with your hoodlum friends!,” I yell at my husband, and suddenly I’m in a rocking chair, shaking a cane, wondering if they’ll ever find a cure for my polio.
I’m bored, think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot, sit in my car with my reverse lights on
Spoiler Warning: Playing possum when you get pulled over will NOT get you out of a speeding ticket…
It took me 9 self inflicted ER visits, but that nurse finally realized it was love at first sight.
My girlfriend said we should each pick a “hall pass”, just in case we ever met that person. I chose Kate Upton and she chose her roommate Connor
Surprise your partner in bed by dying in your sleep
[Lab]
Chief scientist:What the hell are you wearing?!
Me (Dressed as Liberace): I thought you said we’d be mapping the genome in sequins
I opened Facebook by mistake, it appears I’ve missed 738 birthdays because I haven’t been on for over 2 years 😳
okay since everyone else is doing it I’m gonna drop all my favorite saved tweets from my “shit that makes me laugh” folder, starting with a classic
Practicing safe sax
Since finding a huge spider in my slipper I now keep em on a chair cuz my little brain decided spiders don’t like chairs.
The problem with thieves is that they take things literally.
when you don’t want to be too vague
“They say children learn by example, even for potty training.”
-I explain to my horrified neighbor as my son and dog poop on the lawn