everyone: “you changed”
the climate: i know 😞
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I “accidentally” made a double batch of cookie dough and then somehow ran out of room in the freezer so I was forced to bake it all at which point I discovered that I have no available Tupperware so I had to eat 50 cookies.
MI5 warned today that Chinese espionage online is being conducted on an ‘epic scale’ in the U.K. Not on our watch, our security systems are 世界上最好的之一。
Me: And then, for absolutely no reason, they changed the stars to hearts! We were all so mad
Syrian Refugee: omg please send me back
i’m left-handed but sometimes i like to switch hands and do things with my right hand just to see what it’s like to work like a robot
I wish I had the determination of my wife who’s still flipping through radio stations as we pull into our driveway.
If I were the tooth fairy I wouldn’t leave any cash, just a note that says I’VE TAKEN YOUR TEETH
date: what do you do
me: i run a non-profit
date: which charity?
me: oh…no i’m just a terrible hot dog salesman
a bird blows up trying to match princess fiona’s vocal range and then fiona eats the bird’s eggs for breakfast. shrek was wild.
My mom took a picture of me in 1983 using a camera with a flashcube and the light in my eyes just stopped flashing.
Delicious if literal: Gravy boat.
I kept getting my shin badly grazed by the pedal of my bike when I was was a kid, that was one vicious cycle.
“You’re going out with that boy again? He’s no good.”
“Relax, grandma.”
*furiously knits a condom*
“Grandma, that’s not how it works.”
candy corn tastes like it has already been chewed
Maybe if you knew Garfield’s parents were murdered on a monday by anti lasagna activists you wouldn’t be so judgmental.
Mike Pence has a strong resume, including Governor of Indiana and Shawshank Prison Guard. #VPDebate
All of Ariel’s mer-sisters’ names started with A too. More like keeping up with the Karsplashians.
My 5 year old asked for a lava lamp and now I’m checking his room for drugs
Cool thing about this wind storm is I now own 18 new trash cans..
energy cannot be created nor destroyed
I’ve been trying to figure out why I overslept today. Just realized drunk me set my calculator for $7.30.
Saw a guy on the side of the road with a flat, he didn’t have a spare.
Seemed like he was working tirelessly.
I would run in my flip flops, but I don’t want you to fall in love with me.
cat: *rolls over on back* pet my belly
me: no i know this is a trap
cat:
me:
cat:
me: fine *goes to pet belly*
cat: *claws & bites my hand* hahah have some scratches, as a treat you stupid idiot
Cop: “Do you have any idea how fast you were going?”
Shark: *eats cop*
Pretty sure my dog would make a shitty astronaut because space is a vacuum and those tend to scare him
Me: WHAT?! HOW?! WHY?!
My cat, after getting into the back of my closet, discovering a fishing pole & spare spool of line & then unraveling & tangling most of the line ALL over my bedroom: You’re so dramatic.
Judge: I sentence you to life in prison
Defendant: NOOOO MY ONLINE PRESENCE
There should be a place on the organ donor card that lets you leave your middle finger to a person you hate.
My wife is having hot flashes today which explains why the air conditioning is set to below freezing and there are several penguins in my living room.