everyone: “you changed”
the climate: i know 😞
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Interviewer: So you say you think you’d make a good addition here at our aquarium. Can you expand on that?
Puffer fish: Yes. Yes I can
Me: Give me some space, I’m feeling claustrophobic
8 whispers to 9: Leave Mom alone, she has to poop but she can’t
Maybe if Red Bull gave me buffalo wings i’d give a shit.
At peace with myself?
We can’t even decide which channel to watch
Why is it wealthy people can refuse to pay their bills and suffer no consequences, but if I don’t pay my electr
My brother and his girlfriend were complaining about jet lag in Paris so I told him to think of it as training for when they have children and never sleep again. Except they won’t be in Paris.
I try not to let avocados go bad anymore cause last time I let an avocado go bad, it stole my car and robbed a bank
pro parenting tip: reach your weekly fitness goals by giving your Fitbit to your 9yo for an hour.
[first date]
{don’t let him know you’re a psychic}
{don’t let her know you’re a psychic}
{we’re both psychic?}
{yeah}
{cool let’s bang}
{k}
My favourite machine at the gym is the television.
I’ve been barred from the local Mexican restaurant for repeatedly bringing and summoning my waiter with my personal maracas
customer: have you worked here a long time
me, a waiter: 14 years sir
customer: wow ok what do you recommend
me: finishing college
suspect: i ain’t talkin
cop: [sharpens knife] we got ways of making people talk [cuts a piece of cake]
suspect: can i have some
cop: cake is for talkers
I joined Twitter to have something to do while I waited for the repairman. It’s only been 3 years, he should be here any month now.
Give a toddler a crayon and he will eat that crayon. Teach him how to color and he will eat more crayons.
A guy saw me giving my dog water and said that he hopes I have a husband with how caring I am to my dog and I had to explain to him that men should be able to drink water on their own
the first time my brother got covid, he decided to shave his head and tell everyone it was one of the symptoms, which was just so wrong yet so very very funny
How much would you have to pay a teacher to flunk your kid so he has to go to Summer School? Just planning ahead…
Sorry I was late, couldn’t stop spelling banana.
I put sea salt on my seafood, so they can be reunited. Because I like happy endings.
I’ve hidden porn everywhere. Not ordinary porn either, all that weird shit.
When I die, my family will talk about me for years to come.
Waved to my ex today, next time I might use all my fingers
my wife saw onlyfans on our credit card statement so now I have to get her a ceiling fan for christmas
If you lean back in a chair and put your feet up on the desk, everything you say will be beaming with confidence and bravado especially if it’s not your office.
Really wish my phone wouldn’t autocorrect my old timey piano slang. Had to explain to my mom that I didn’t spend all morning “tickling the ovaries”.
Store was out of the size I requested, so this was their substitute and now I gotta open a diner
How many times should you punch the job interviewer to show how tough you are because so far they’re not happy with just the one
What happens in Vegas will most likely cost you a fortune in dry cleaning.
o: I want a tail
GENIE: ok
α: longer
GENIE: sure
q: LONGER
GENIE: dude
@: perfect
*logs into Facebook
*looks at pictures of people hugging their boyfriends
*comments ‘is that your dad’ on all of them
*logs out of Facebook