everyone: “you changed”
the climate: i know 😞
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Happy thanksgiving!
Tired of being single? Just lower your standards a bit. My new girlfriend is a coconut taped to a mop.
(3:12am)
My cat: hi it’s time to walk on your face
Tell a woman she has cute kids and she’s all proud.
Whisper it to her and she calls the cops.
👍
[first day as a preschool teacher]
ME: *sets up road cones around the construction paper*
dad: I AM VERY DISAPPOINTED IN YOU YOUNG MAN
son: HI VERY DISAPPOINTED IN YOU YOUNG MAN IM GREG
dad: omg [sheds a tear]
“omg you’re a paramedic! what’s the worst thing you’ve seen?” bro my paycheck
I’m not trying to sound like a conspiracy theorist but isn’t a little suspicious these hurricanes keep happening in alphabetical order??
“Jesus take the wheel!” I shout, but Jesus decided to pop out of the sunroof firing a machine gun at our pursuers instead.
me: I need a really lengthy snake
pet shop guy: how many feet?
me: none
“I live as a mountain man because I enjoy the isolation and I hate people. Film crews are cool though.” – Mountain Men on History Channel
If you are in a relationship and one of you has the better credit score. That is why they call it a significant other
(Sign-if-I-can’t )
This sink looks like my kids’ toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.
Me: Pfft.. There is scientific evidence that a woman’s brain is lighter than a man’s.
Her: Perhaps because it gets more exercise.
thanksgiving in nutshell
My kid wants to be Batman so bad he bought us opera tickets in a bad neighborhood.
*at confessional
Priest: ‘Wait. Didn’t I forgive you for that last week?’
Me: ‘Please don’t make this any harder than it has to be.’
you have 1 in a 50 million chance of being attacked by a shark which is comforting in the ocean but concerning in an elevator
My boss : Why do I have to always come and find you?
Me : Because a good employee is hard to find
Me: Ahh finally, some sleep
My brain: Do saltwater fish get thirsty?
Me: Goddamnit
My neighbor said he heard me having sex today but it was just me standing in front of my air conditioner.
In the 2020 Little Mermaid, Ariel decides to stay underwater.
google: please stop
me: more frogs with teeth
Lost my job at Tree Humpers anonymous for asking if everyone was ‘logged in’
losing it at this lady preaching abstinence at LSU and the students just going buck wild
Oh no, my kid got upset at me and locked himself in his room. What ever will I do. Margarita anyone?
Wins the Internet today. Night, all…
Fun Fact:
If you flick your wife’s nipple really hard while she’s sleeping, it’s extremely funny … for about 3 seconds.