everyone: “you changed”
the climate: i know 😞
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Passed by a old school Math example today.
Whenever I see a Toyota Prius pulled over for speeding the first thing I look for is a ACME rocket mounted on the roof.
I don’t think my accident resulted in a concussion and also I don’t think my accident resulted in a concussion.
The most romantic restaurant in the world is not as dimly lit as the operating room on a TV medical drama.
Lied on my résumé and got the hospital job. Hope performing surgery doesn’t come up.
“And you sarge, got anyone special back home?”
“An Internet commentor. Wants me to provide facts against his point. Said he’d wait for me.”
A moment of silence for those who sacrificed themselves to determine which mushrooms taste good with pasta, which are fun & which kill you.
There’s been a terrible misunderstanding.
It seems that monkey is the root of all evil.
Early morning work meeting, boss kept telling us to “lean in”
I leaned in so much, I fell asleep at my desk.
ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!
DETECTIVE: Where were you the night of murder?
For pride month you can’t say “let me get this straight…”, you have to say “just so we’re queer…”
[Girl takes off her clothes]
“You have had sex before right?”
[Me, in a suit of armor & holding a cauliflower]
…
“no actually”
flight attendant: sir, are you raising your hand
me: how do i access the wifi
fa: im doing safety announcements
me: is that lowercase
The pot called the kettle black. The pot is silver…………we now have a situation in the kitchen.
Manager: If you continue to solicit your “magical services” to any more customers, I’ll be contacting the police. Do I make myself clear?
Me, lowering voice: You’re still pretty visible but I do know a guy
If you wear cowboy clothes are you technically ranch dressing
Hugging helps break the tension with strangers in elevators.
Love a good morning stretch that turns into an involuntary pterodactyl screech
People say “Home is where the heart is”.
Actually though, the heart is between the lungs in the middle of the chest, behind and slightly to the left of the sternum.
Idiots.
Date : So you’re the youngest of three?
Me : Yep, my parents are both older.
If you’re hungry, you can say “I’d kill for a doughnut,” and it’s fine. But any other crime sounds suspicious.
“I’d commit insider trading for a cruller right now.”
“Oh man, I’d totally burn down a warehouse for a bear claw.”
“Give me a jelly filled or I’ll shiv you.”
I think polyamory will become a common thing, but not because of a social movement or an influencer. Because of inflation.
A cute guy at work wants to take you to dinner? Fantastic, that saves me like a hundred bucks. Bring back leftovers!
[at a wedding]
*bridesmaids walk to stage*
5 year old: Does he get to pick?
How to make friends: Put your clothes on backwards so people don’t notice you walking up to them.
My mother-in-law is visiting & I told my 14-year old to make menus for brunch this morning & they just invented the most popular restaurant in Williamsburg.
I’m in New Orleans for the weekend. It must be tough to be a drunk in this city, I’ve yet to encounter a level sidewalk
Cop ~ Do you know how fast you were going sir ?
Me ~ Uhhh …. Roughly about the same as you
Cop ~ Get out
Just realized I’ve never “axed” anyone a question in my whole life.
It’s ironic that we put rats in mazes when we, as a species, can’t find our way around IKEA.
Shawty has them Apple Bottom jeans, boots with the fur, gloves with the skin, shirt with the scales, hat with the shell, belt with th