everyone: “you changed”
the climate: i know 😞
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As the anesthetic knocks you out, your surgeon washes his hands and misses a really easy shot into the garbage with the paper towel.
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
gentlemen, we are gathered here today by my milkshake.
Him: I’d die before I break a promise to you.
Me: Or, very soon after.
It was obvious from the camera angle it was AMC killing it’s viewers. #TWDfinale
I don’t own any guns, so I use a bat for home defense. If I die, at least my intruder will die from rabies.
Yes, this is exactly right
“Ok, guys, before you start calling me a pervert, let me just say I found a great source of protein.” — The first guy who ever milked a cow.
Well it’s been a week and I’ve already f’ed things up so here’s to 2025
Employees must applaud the planets.
ME: [shouting upstairs] dinner’s ready!
6YR OLD: what are we having?
ME: you’ll like it! trust me!
6: I ain’t falling for that shit again
If you want to know how old my daughter is it’s “won’t talk on the phone if I’m in the room” years old
Email I meant to send – “I will touch base with you next week” vs the email I sent – “I will touch you next week”
HR reminds us to proof read before sending
Tomorrow I’m definitely going to start running, no matter how many days it takes!
sometimes i call watermelons summer pumpkins and nobody ever knows what im talking about.
google logo keeps changing its appearance because it killed a man in Tampa in 1999 and has to stay ahead of the law
“Hey, are you gonna eat this?”
“Dad, what’s a coworker?”
“Someone you block on social media.”
Some bloke on FB called me a clown. Now I’ve got to go hide under his bed with a knife cause that’s what clowns do.
A double negative is a big no-no.
Today a man told me I’m “too pretty to work so hard” so I’ve let my boss know & fingers crossed we can all get on the same page here.
Remember when we had to smack the TV because the channel wasn’t coming in clearly?
I feel that way about far too many people.
Zack Greinke stories are the best
A macaron is just an oreo that studied abroad.
I just want to be as happy as a character in the first half hour of a horror movie
“Open face” is both a good type of sandwich and also how you eat them
I love spending time with my kid so I can hear about things like the pickup lines the boys use. (Her favorite is, “I’ll be your Lightning if you’ll be McQueen.”)
Funny how people only believe their horoscope when it’s something good about them.
Astrological sign: You’re smart.. but not really. You’re actually just an idiot.
Now what?
When they try to steal your moment.
There should be an advanced version of Blue’s Clues with more complicated clues and darker storylines.