Everyone: “You don’t watch Game of Thones?! Watch it immediately.”
After every episode: “That was HORRIBLE.”
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I told my bosses I needed the day off tomorrow and they said “mom, when we say no, the answer is no.”
My eyes are seared by the blood soaked nightmare of the hellscape before me.
The pungent odor of the wretched, tortured souls burns my lungs.
I struggle to breathe…Me, in the DMV waiting room
Him: You are a souless ginger.
Me: Far from it. I’ve collected hundreds of souls. I keep them in an ancient wooden box.
Him: Funny!
Me: If they make too much noise at night I squirt them with the water bottle.
Him: *nervous laugh*
No you dumb uncultured idiot, just because I’m an Indian doesn’t mean I use a flying carpet to get around. I use an elephant like everyone else.
I’m just saying, no dog has ever ghosted me
Anyone got any tips on how to conduct an exorcism, but like subtly?
turns out Xenophobia is not ‘A fear of Warrior Princesses’
ME: I’m a tough, smart, practical adult, and I don’t believe in silly superstiti–
SOME OLD LADY ON THE STREET: *grabs my hand, gasps* She still thinks about you.
ME, streaming tears and snot : R-r-really?
As it turns out, “harder” is a horrible safe word.
walgreen’s cashier: how’s your evening going?
me: WELL IM BUYING LICE SHAMPOO HERE RACHEL SO NOT TOO GREAT SO FAR
In 2020, five African grey parrots at a wildlife park in Lincolnshire had to be separated after they were found to be encouraging one another to swear. The park’s CEO commented, “We are quite used to parrots swearing… but for some reason these five relish it.”
Farmer: You’d like to exchange nutrient rich manure for my agricultural expertise?
Me: Yes. Shit for brains, if you will. Lol.
Remember when you used Twitter to update friends & family on where you were, & what you were doing?
Yeah, me neither.
is it earth
[Alien family passing Earth]
*door lock noise*
gonorrhea would’ve been a good name for a diarrhea medicine.
Me: *being hauled on a stretcher into an ambulance* Shotgun!
EMT: dude your gonna die if you si-
Driver: dammit Dave, he called shotgun
No thanks “protected account”. You can’t trick me into following you!
For all I know, you could be a vegan.
Interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
Me: ugh yeah the spacing wouldn’t format properly
Interviewer: OMG I hate that
I just heard my husband quietly say to the baby, “you are really cute . . . do you think we’re cute too?”
Out of all the cookies in the world, these HTTP cookies taste the worst.
Donner? Party of 87? Your table is ready.
Whiskey, tango, french fry…?
Yeah, I think that’s right.
[before pepper spray was invented]
Cop: *holds pepper grinder in suspect’s face* Say when.
Well, when we ordered nachos, you ate all the ones in the middle with the most cheese, but no… I have no idea who set your car on fire.
me: can I get a job application
mcdonald’s manager: [handing me one] do you have experience
me: oh yeah I’ve filled out hundreds of these
My 5yo: WHY DID I NOT GO TO THE FUNERAL?
Me: Well, you would have had to be quiet for an hour.
5: HAHAHAHAHAHAHA. I AM REALLY NOT GOOD AT THAT.
If you’re wondering how lazy I am today, I just pulled a chair up to the fridge.
Cat: flake of pill in two pounds of fresh tuna? Refused.
Dog: pill the size of a grill wrapped in american cheese? No problem.
Wife *returns home* anyone called?
Me: yeah, 5 called the baby an idiot.