Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I miss making out in public and making people feel uncomfortable

I get very stressed out when characters in movies are told a rapid-fire list of things to do and don’t write it down.

goldfish mafia

Going to start a band called The Subtweets. All songs will contain cryptic lyrics that incite paranoia in the crowd.

Björk is probably my favorite singer named after the sound a dodgeball makes

Him: A nap? Really?

Me: It’s not me. I have two wolves inside me and they want a nap.

Him:

Me: I’m a responsible owner and let them nap.

Him: Guess they like pizza, too.

Me: What do you have against wolves?

me: *trying to quickly and quietly go to the bathroom at 3am so I stay asleep

my dog: Oh cool, you’re up. What should we do now? Play with a ball? Go for a walk? Breakfast? Do you want to scratch me?

While editing, I was trying to write: “maybe this should be in bold, for emphasis”, and instead wrote “in blood”. Still works!

When the hostess at the restaurant says “table for two?”, I always like to look surprised and whisper “you can see her too?”.

My work has one of those little clock in / clock out punch cards like the movies and let me tell you, it’s a thrill and a half!!!

My husband says I’m addicted to spending money on pointless things. So I bought him a Llama to cheer him up.

ME: I’m so hungry I could greet a horse

FRIEND: “Eat” a horse

ME: No watch this. Hello Mr horse

HORSE: [gives me a taco]

[party]
What exactly does BYOB mean?

“Bring your own beer”

Bill Nye the Science Guy slowly slides the bacteria sample back in his lab coat

what my late-night hot pocket sees

me: where’s the harm? It’s just a little treat

my bank account: you said the same thing 100 little treats ago

My tinder profile says I’m looking for an

Everyone: Why don’t you have kids?

*points to dead cactus*

A bunch of things I labeled yesterday as tomorrow problems had the nerve to show up today and I’m just like excuse me who said you could be here.

Her, 4: I want a baby! New baby sister? Or brother?

Me: We can’t have another baby. You would need a new daddy for mommy to have another baby

Her: New cat?

The irony is that if we had a vaccine against stupid, those who need it most wouldn’t get it.

Me: *getting struck by lightning*

Kid: Mommy, can I have a snack?

I’ve reached the age and the weight where, when it comes to a fight or flight scenario, flight is not an option.

Secret Panel HERE 🔪

husband: do you know where the thing is

me: can I buy a noun

We argue about where to go for dinner for so long it eventually becomes an argument on where to go for breakfast

My 5 y/o just pooped teal. I asked what she ate and she said, I hid in the pantry yesterday and ate all the blue sprinkles in the shaker. FFS

My son asked me the definition of impending doom. I just said, ‘you know when you smell dog poop in the house, but you can’t see it?
That.’

My weird paranoid neighbor, shreds all her mail and closes all the shades.
But never locks her basement window.

When I drink too much coffee the voices in my head sound like auctioneer chipmunks.

How do I know I’m awkward? One time someone asked me if I had any hobbies and I panicked and said “cheese”