Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My grandmother is a shining example of how you can live until 90 years of age, sustained by nothing but spite and biscuits.

Officer: Cause of death?
Me: Well it all started innocently..

I got gas today for $1.39. Unfortunately, it was at Taco Bell!!

Wife: [eats hotdog, spills mustard & relish on her blouse]
Me: HELLO TEMPTRESS

*fooling around with husband*

Husband: Is that a piece of cheese in your bra?

Me: If you wanted any, you should have brought your own snacks!

“You will feel a little pressure but no pain…”

~Doctors or dentists about to hurt you bad

Open an ice cream shop with flavors like “don’t be sad,” “they’re not worth it,” “you deserve better” and see if people don’t flock right in

If my neighbors would just talk a little louder I could follow along with their conversation, but no. Rude.

The great thing about having a mouse in your house is that I’m sure it’s just the one mouse probably.

Last party I went to before COVID met a guy who worked in finance who told me he was an “experiences manager” and got defensive when I asked him what experiences he manages.

Good morning

People in Detroit call Grand Theft Auto V “Tuesday”

“A Bunch of Stuff I Remembered and Then Compiled into a Narratively Cohesive Yet Inconsistently Compelling Tome: A Memoir”

i be like “i’m fine” then shake my leg 200mph

Detective: I need to dust for prints, but I can’t find my kit.

Me, eating Cheetos: Here’s a wild idea…

Crime and Punishment is my favourite novel about family vacations.

Been married a few times. Always the bride, never the bridesmaid

PRO TIP:
Take all those used candy wrappers, put them in a paper towel, squish it into a ball, and then throw it away.

That way, your kids won’t know you ate 20 candy bars before any trick or treaters showed up.

I’m taking my niece and nephew to the corn maze today. If I can’t lose them there, I’ll try the mall again.

Me: *buying a pair of socks and a pack of gum*

Kohl’s cashier: You saved $439 today.

Drawing fake track marks on my arm so I don’t have to hold my wife’s friend’s baby when they come over for dinner tonight.

I taught myself how to play the drums and I’m not very good at it. How can I tell if I’m a bad drummer or a bad teacher?

The enemy of my enemy, of my enemy, of my enemy, of my enemy, of my enemy, of my enemy is Kevin Bacon

Who called it a scale and not a weigh of life?

Shout out to the people wondering what the opposite of in is

Why is no one talking about how hamsters taste NOTHING like ham?!

DND allows you to play out even the most impossible fantasies, such as:

-Speaking multiple languages
-Traveling with friends
-Being Charismatic
-Waking up Early
-Having money

Colleagues confronted me about my terrible similes. Like crows trapped in a Smucker’s jar, I’d have to murder my way out of yet another jam.

nurse drawing my blood yelled “we have a fainter” like really loud before anything happened which bothered me but then i did faint so it was like okay nevermind fair

Always answer a math question in a silly voice because if you’re wrong they’ll think you’re joking and if you’re right they’ll feel dumb.