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‘The Weeknd’ real name has absolutely killed me.
this guy in South Dakota left his pickup sitting for four days. You know it’s the pandemic. In that time a family of Red Squirrels picked apples from a nearby tree and stored em in his engine and wheel compartment. There are another 1 1/2 to 2 buckets in the wheel wells!!
Wife: “Notice anything?”
Me: “Is it your hair, shoes, dress, eyelashes, mascara, lipstick, or nails?”
Wife: “You forgot to wear pants.”
When men ask you out, you say no, and they demand an explanation: buddy what is this, high school gym class, do I need to hand you a note from my mom like “sorry Isabel is excused from dating random men on the bus today”
ME: *playing the piano*
WIFE: You’re a regular Van Gogh
ME: Why thank you, honey
{three days later}
ME: Wait a second
thinking about parking in a garage downtown just to get some validation
CDC: money is dirty
Money launderers: this is our time to shine
Him: You need to ease up on always picking out the things I do wrong
Me: You make it sound like I do it all the time!
Him: Even when I’m doing good, you have to find a mista…
Me: “Well”…when you’re doing “well”
Him:
Me: Go on…
You say tomato. I say tomato. Our eyes meet. We’ve decided on the perfect name for our baby
*new parents*
Him: I’ve been sleeping with someone else.
Her: YOU’VE BEEN SLEEPING!!
*me, as an uber driver*
oh dang, the gps is saying the fastest route is through this burger king drive through lane
Did you guys know you get a full body massage while being embalmed? I can’t wait.
I camp so other people don’t have to.
my cat just woke up, accused me of a crime, and went back to sleep
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again bc I have a terrible memory
trying to convince my straight friends it’s homophobic to not buy gay people presents during pride month
So my hinge date last night accidentally texted me this
*notices it’s not even 8am*
*been tweeting like a boss…*
*…to 5 insomniacs*
The neighbors left a perfectly good doll at the curb with their trash and I’ve seen enough horror movies to know to leave it there.
one time I saw a doc RUNNING in the hospital and I was like omg what’s the emergency and they were like DIARRHEA and I was like omg who and they were like ME
I had 13 items in the 12 items or less line, so I just put a banana in my pocket.
#KarenAndTheCat 😉
The Secret Service has gone bankrupt. Finally something has happened that Donald Trump has knowledge in handling.
maybe if they didn’t want air bnb to fall they should’ve made it on the ground
I’ve been told I look like a young Denzel Washington’s white neighbor.
Once I shot a man with a paintball gun, just to watch him dye.
If my neighbors would just talk a little louder I could follow along with their conversation, but no. Rude.
DATE TIP: Hold doors. Pull the chair out for your date. Burp your date. Change your date oh god you are on a date with a baby ok stay cool
Him: It’s only a 20 minute hike. Why do you insist on so much bug spray?!
Me: Keeps the murder hornets away
Him: There’s no murder hornets in our state
Me: Then the spray is working
[first day as skydiving instructor]
Me, holding back tears: some of you aren’t gonna make it