Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

At the zoo, you have to drag me away from the otter pool. The promise of a soft pretzel usually does it.

dentists and waitstaff go to the same class called ‘When to Ask Questions’

Just shake the magic 8 ball and tell me what it says

Priest inside the confessional: I’m not sure you know exactly where you are

You never know how strong you are until someone’s story runs more than 5 mins

H: Do you like carpet or prefer it bare?
M: I’m OK with a little carpet of she shaves the rest
H: We’re talking about floors
M: HR again?

My childhood has prepared me for a lot more bear-related pic-a-nic-basket thefts than I’m currently experiencing.

they advertised mcmuffins for only a buck

The “walk of shame” should be going to a bar the next morning after being drunk looking for your lost debit card.

New to Twitter cheat sheet:

AVI – profile pic
TL – timeline
DM – direct message
TC – twitter crush
WTF – everything else

Here we go again. #MAsnow ❄️

Me [coming in from walking the dog]: It’s raining bring your umbrella to the bus stop.
Child: It’s not raining.
Me: Um, yes. I was just outside.
Child: I’M LOOKING outside and it’s not raining.
Me: omg fine.
Child: [leaves]
…
…
…
Child [coming back in]: I need my umbrella.

Ladies, it’s 2019. Don’t wait for a guy to call you. Be proactive. Text him. Find your mutuals on FB to message. Kidnap his entire family and don’t release them until he goes on a second date.

[writes THIS IS A ROBBERY on a deposit slip, slides it to teller]
[teller writes something, slides it back]
NO THIS IS A DEPOSIT SLIP

And God said to John, come forth and ye shall be granted eternal life…..

But John came fifth and won a toaster.

me and my fake scenarios

*at swingers club*

me: so how does this work? do we both go at the same time or do I push you first?

[reading crime and punishment]

me: holy shit, that was a crime, i wonder if there’ll be a punishm-

[ten pages later]

me: you’re not gonna believe this

GENIE: the rule is u can’t wish for more wishes

ME: i wish to amend the rule so u can

GENIE: son of a

Called in sick to work one day. Saw one of my students at the beach. We nodded as we both realized we were skipping my class. #IGotCaught

[Moon landing]
Buzz Aldrin: Who’s gonna go first?

Neil Armstrong: Well I’m gonna say one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind

Buzz Aldrin: I’m gonna say check me out on this giant space ball of cheese

Neil Armstrong: I’ll go first

I like to keep a “wet paint” sign on my office door, so that no one wants to touch the door to come in.

A black James Bond? Wouldn’t work. He’d be pulled over every 15 minutes for driving an Aston Martin.

NYT: No, we did not make Wordle harder. We promise.

Also NYT: Today’s Wordle is KHYBX — which everyone knows is a popular 11th century Latin delicacy derived from quicksand extract. Duh.

i’m wearing a jetpack to my job interview tomorrow so if they turn me down i can disappoint everyone there by just walking out calmly

yes hello I’d like to exchange my generational trauma for generational wealth please

The very first thing I think of doing when I buy a new electrical appliance is immersing it in water so I’m really glad the instructions warn against that.

My husband is turning 58 tomorrow. Join me wishing him “Jesus, you’re how old?”

My husband told my daughter he can’t flush his contacts down the toilet because it’s bad for the oceans and she thinks it’s because “humans don’t want sharks to see better.”

I’m buying a telescope so I can sell it at a garage sale in six years

Being an adult is like being a paper clip. Everyone knows you’re twisted, but you’re expected to hold a lot of things together.