Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Attack while they’re distracted.
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If the final episode of Game of Thrones doesn’t feature a group hug with everyone singing “Kumbaya,” then I don’t know what I’m talking about.
The crows I feed every day attacked a UPS delivery guy that startled me so I guess I now have my own little squad of personal assassins.
*kneels to pray*
“Hello, God?”
“YOU’VE REACHED CUSTOMER SUPPORT.”
“Who is this?”
“MY NAME IS BRAD.”
“Are you in Heaven, Brad?”
“NO, INDIA.”
My husband doesn’t find it nearly as amusing as I do, when I read all your tweets out loud to him. For 2 hours.
Douche.
5: [bending his own finger backward] THIS HURTS & I DON’T KNOW HOW TO MAKE IT STOP!
Me: [sighs & closes his college savings account]
Even if there’s a murderer behind me, finish chewing before you tell me.
[my laboratory]
ME: I’VE DONE IT!
MOUSE WITH EAR GROWING ON IT’S BACK: Holy crap keep it down.
Me: did you know that abbreviating names can be really confusing?
GF: really?
Me: yeah
George Foreman: that’s interesting
[cow learning about humans drinking goat milk]
um hey you know those guys eat like tin cans and stuff right…
If you died and became a ghost haunting a graveyard you’d save ~$800 a month in rent. That’s over 600k a year. Being broke is a mindset and there’s no excuse for it
Welp, there’s definitely something writhing under your porch. I won’t know ‘til I get in there whether we need to set traps or call the diocese.
I now know that no matter how happy you are it’s not always the right time to clap your hands and show it.
Mother in Law’s funeral taught me that.
I am looking forward to 6pm Thanksgiving Day when Walmart opens its doors for its annual sale of trampled human corpses.
FUN FACT:
Bears hibernate in the winter just to get away from Christmas music…
Ladies, he’s not working late. He’s trying to steal the declaration of independence. Stay woke
Ah, quarantine. But first, I will meet up with 500 people at the grocery store to fight over beans.
[getting a checkup]
DOCTOR: On average, how much alcohol do you drink in a day?
ME: *sweating* NO ONE SAID THERE WOULD BE ANY MATH
hello 9-1-1? my girlfriend’s been kidnapped
“stay calm sir, what’s ur girlfriend’s name”
oh she goes to another school u wouldn’t know her
My kids are giving all the people on this plane a hard lesson in birth control right now.
Might get a Gatorade logo tattoo to symbolize my contempt for thirst.
how come you never see animal cruelty people protesting turtlenecks?
When I die I don’t want a big funeral. I’d just like a few of my close friends to get together and try to bring me back to life…
The 16yo tells me he’s been revising all day. His browser history suggests he’s got his YouTube exam in the morning.
My 4 YO pointed out that we put socks on during the day and take them off at night and that means our feet are nocturnal
[at symphony concert]
*marimba part begins*
Me: *takes out iPhone* Hello?
I follow anyone who has “18+” in their bio.
I’m waiting for them to post the second half of the math problem.
Did you file your cat correctly today?..📂🐈📂😅
I made fun of a guy for still having a Nokia phone. He threw it at me and knocked me unconscious.
The vet said he can’t prescribe my imaginary horse anymore ketamine.
boss: i need u to reschedule our meeting to 10am
me: [reschedules meeting to 10am]
boss: [declines]