Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Except for that guy in the park who thinks he’s Napoleon. He’s fighting the Battle of Trafalgar. But mostly you don’t know.
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Can’t wait for this manhunt to be over so I can stop dyeing my hair.
Daddy can u get me a drink?
“No, you’re 5yo you can get your own drink”
Fine *goes to fridge
“While you’re there can you grab me a beer?”
Don’t let anyone treat you like a red flag, you’re the whole damn red carpet baby
The reason I don’t like Facebook’s “memories” feature is because it shows me 6 years ago wearing the same shirt I have on right now.
I could never be a burglar because my OCD would always have me going straight to the kitchen to front face the labels on their cans.
math teacher: I said to bring your protractor to class
boy with cowboy hat: I’m just a good old fashioned country boy, I ain’t need nothin fancy, this simple tractor should do the job just fine ma’am
Me: Delete it!
Nightclub security: [rewatching the tape of a girl rolling the collar of my turtleneck up over my head while I’m talking to her] Lol never.
Friend: Don’t come on too strong is my dating tip.
[At the restaurant]
Her: Can you pass the salt, please?
Me: Sorry, it’s too heavy.
box: meow
schrodinger: ignore that
The leading method of suicide in Albania is attempting to kidnap Liam Neeson’s daughter.
A magician’s assistant wears two layers under her costume: a bra, cadabra
I think costco should be the next president of the united states
Don’t have a house cat drive you to the post office. I know that now.
If I ever become rich, you know where all my money is going?
To the bank
My kid was searching for her popsicle in her sleep and I’ve never felt closer to her
I wanted to start writing a sewing blog
But I lost my thread
Studies suggest you should get 8 hours of sleep each night…
…18 if you’re obnoxious.
Remember when maths teachers said “you won’t have a calculator on you all the time when you’re older” well guess what, I do and I keep it in my pocket right next to my phone
My ex boyfriend listens to Christmas music year round and that’s not even the worst thing about him.
My son knows he can’t use the f word in public and he certainly can’t say it in front of his younger sister or she’ll want to use it and also he thinks the f word is “phone.”
God: you’re a centipede.
Centipede: what does that mean?
God: you have 10 legs.
Centipede: that’s not enough legs.
God: how many do you want?
Centipede: 100 LEGS : )
God: ok but don’t tell Snake.
Snake: don’t tell me what?
God:
Centipede:
Snake: guys don’t tell me what?
(first date)
Me: *hyperventilating*
Him: Don’t be nervous. Take a deep breath.
Me: Can’t. I’m wearing three pairs of Spanx.
What idiot called it Catfishing your Tinder Contacts and not Playing With Matches
[approaches group of male coworkers talking about the superbowl]
man oh man I can’t wait to watch the
[looks at left palm]
rams & the patriots play
[looks at right palm]
football
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. Don’t talk to the cashier get your shit and move on. If you need someone to talk too get a parrot
My neighbor rolled her garbage bins out at 5:30am so in turn I entered her cell number on five car warranty websites
Everyone else wants to talk about sex, and I just want to talk about cholera.
one time I saw a guy playing with a yoyo walk into a street sign. I laughed so hard that it changed me. It changed everything.
“No problem at all, the food was delicious in the end, thank you, well worth the wait!”
Translation: I won’t be coming to this restaurant again.