Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Except for that guy in the park who thinks he’s Napoleon. He’s fighting the Battle of Trafalgar. But mostly you don’t know.
You Might Also Like
Girls be like “I love you” and then instead of ghosting you and going fishing with the guys, they spend the rest of their lives with you. Be careful out there
It’s so annoying when they tell you to reset the modem like, do you think I would call you if I knew which one was the modem?
If at first you don’t succeed, try try again
“Sir we test parachutes here, don’t say that to people”
*nose hairs growing out of control
*buys tiny scissors
*jam them in the eyes of whoever I catch staring at my nose hairs
My daughter has an arch nemesis and I recently found a list of ideas she titled “get even”, and while we’re gonna have to rule out “eat his lunch” and “glue his hair” I think we can work with “beat him at football”
Mob Boss: did you make it look like an accident
Me: oh yeah I rear ended him before I shot him
This hospital has everything
[sneeze one]
Bless you
[sneeze two]
Bless you
[sneeze three]
You are under arrest
Detective: Thefts of geese from the local park have continued. Who wants to look at the report?
Me: I’ll take a gander
Detective: *eyes me suspiciously*
I still remember the childhood pain of having to wear a sweater over my Halloween costume, so don’t say I don’t know tragedy.
Welcome to parenthood. You never thought you’d want to fight a 5yo, but here we are.
A good spouse doesn’t complain about watching their partner’s stupid shows. A good spouse looks up spoilers online then slowly and strategically makes what appear to be highly astute observations about characters & plotlines, planting seeds that may not bloom for several seasons.
Her eyes light up the room. They are lasers. Everyone is running.
How is Trick-or-Treating not a “protection racket”?
“Nice house you’ve got here. It’d be a shame if it got egged.”
My cat just showed it’s holiday spirit by pooping tinsel.
“You know I love that thick bottom” – me, telling my coworker about the new frying pan I got over the weekend
Heading to the hairdresser after lockdown like
“If your father asks you to pick up 5 large bags of ice, the best place to put them is in the backyard in direct sun”
~My son apparently
Where’s Waldo?
*Leans in*
Buddy, the last person who came around here asking those kinds of questions can’t be found neither
It’s the shortest day. Mind your head.
Kinda weird that you can’t tickle yourself, but masturbation works.
My dishes are lined up like my sink is the hottest night club the world has ever seen.
Just heard about this teacher who had sex with her student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school
my ex said i had a fear of commitment but this 5 gallon jar of Costco olives says otherwise
I love visiting my parents cause then we get to argue about why it’s not ok to give my kids ketchup that’s 2 years expired.
[date]
EXPECTATION:
Me: [dazzles her with charm and wit]REALITY:
Me: “I hear the chicken is pretty good here.”
When transporting a hot cup of coffee from the microwave, I highly recommend not sneezing.
What my back needs
Think before you yell at your kids. They are the ones who might have to bring you toilet paper in 20 minutes
Tonight I’m going to be naughty and tie my man to the bed. Then I’ll make him watch a Golden Girls marathon while I eat the left over pizza.