Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Except for that guy in the park who thinks he’s Napoleon. He’s fighting the Battle of Trafalgar. But mostly you don’t know.
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smoking a cigarette reduces your life by 11min unless you smoke it real fast then it only takes like 3 or 4
My perfect date would be a hike in the mountains, and her telling me all about it when she gets back.
I only wear a scarf on really cold days. I should probably wear some other clothes too.
Pelican trying to eat a capybara.. 😅
It’s wrong! If gay marriage is legal who will stop me marrying this painting of a horse. This majestic painting. Who will stop me kissing it
A new study shows that people who have a rich social life, live longer. In other news, I died in 1982.
Jesus: this is my body *breaks bread*
Jesus: this is my blood *pours wine*
Jesus: this your brain on drugs *throws a rabid weasel into the crowd*
“GENTLEMEN, WE ARE AT WAR WITH TROY AND MUST NOT DROP OUR GUARD AT ALL”
“Sir, the enemy gave us a giant wooden horse”
“Oh rad bring it in”
Kid: Are you going to keep using weird Easter words today?
Me: Eggs-actly.
Kid: Stop!
Me: Egg-cellent idea.
Kid: Not another peep!
Me: Nice.
You: Sitting down to eat
Me: *hovering* Sooo…are you gonna finish that?
My phone died at the gym and I had to do the elliptical with zero entertainment like the pioneers did in the olden days.
For sale: Baby, won’t stop selling its shoes.
8 yr old: mommy, why are you laying on the floor?
Me: I just did 438 sit ups.
8: sounds legit.
I’ve taught her well.
I hate when people use words without knowing the meaning…gives me a huge hysterectomy on the side of my head.
actually this email could’ve been a meeting. we could’ve spent an hour on the clock talking shit and gossiping. someone could’ve brought bagels
[shampoo bottle falls in the bath]
all other bottles: WE ARE COMING FOR YOU, BROTHER
Science will never be able to determine the number of sheep in a flock, because no observer can stay awake long enough.
Getting money from “the Tooth Fairy” is a gateway drug to organ trafficking.
Enable location? Seriously, Twitter? Have you met some of these folks?
Spilling a full alcoholic drink you’ve already paid for is the grownup version of loosing a balloon.
#AmazingFacts #Tuesday #RubbishJokes
Bank robber: Follow my instructions and no one gets hurt.
Me: Okay.
Bank robber: Empty the safe and put it in the bag!
Me: Put the empty safe in the bag?
Bank robber: Do you want me to draw my gun?
Me: Okay. I’ll get you a pencil.
I wonder how many tragedies I’ve prevented by standing nearby with my hands on my hips saying “Be careful!”
Me: It just feels like you’re holding me to outdated standards
My mum: Oh? Let’s see if my grandkids agree OH NO WAIT
I love it when people throw out those inspirational tweets like ‘live life to the fullest’ after they’ve spent the entire day on Twitter.
ME: Who’s haunting me?
EXORCIST: Your father
*thermostat mysteriously lowers by 4 degrees*
ME: Yeah, that checks out
boss: have u finished that project
me: hey rome wasn’t built in a day
boss: it’s been a month
me: rome wasn’t built in a month
boss:
me: [googling “how long did it take to build rome”]
Me: [Donating my body to science.]
Science: [Donating my body to Goodwill.]
Establish your dominance with the drive-thru attendant by saying, “That completes my order” before they ask.
My kids are old enough to stay home by themselves, so most of my day is spent refreshing Google Earth to see if my house is on fire.