Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Make it worse by saying they look tired.
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When your wife is out of town and you accidentally tell her that you killed the baby
HUSBAND: Why are you late?
ME: I was at church.
HUSBAND: I find that hard to believe. Did they have a breakfast buffet or something?
For years I thought the ghost in my house was trying to scare me, turns out he was just booing my awful jokes
I wonder how many times they edited the Bible to take out whenever Jesus said “anyhoo”
Tuba = Terrible Underwater Breathing Apparatus
Customer: do you sell {item}?
Coworker: oh, yeah but I’m just having a hard time getting it in
Me: *resisting the urge to go nudge, nudge, wink, wink, eh?, phrasing boom, that’s what she said*
It’s with great sadness that I must say goodbye to you all!
My boyfriend and I argued over how much time I spend on here. He said I must choose between y’all or him. So, I’m gonna be offline for a couple minutes while I help him pack & call him an Uber … I’ll be right back
[on an interview]
Him: What are your bartending qualifications? *sips coffee*
Me: *slides coaster under his mug as he puts it down*
Him: *spits out coffee* Holy shit
All I’m saying is, I’ve never seen my Ex and Satan in the same room together.
me after i passed that state trooper
police: what are your names?
caspar: don’t tell em, linhardt!
police: so, linhardt…
linhardt: nice one, caspar
police: and caspar…
My 5yo asked me if we could go to someone else’s house because he says we go to our house a lot
Whoa. I guess one dude quit:
If anyone needs like five things 25% done and no things 100% done, just let me know.
My 4YO asked me, “can I take your picture mama cuz you’re so beautiful,” but it was actually because she wanted my phone to look for YouTube videos.
As they strap me into the electric chair, I realize the warden is about to discover the 3 ounces of contraband popcorn kernels I have up my rectum.
“A mean dog is terrorizing people a few towns over. I am going to drive over there & yell at him from my car.” – Barack Obama
In my defense, I never said that I had “completed the project.” I said that I was “done working on it.” Two totally different things.
Woman in grocery line: oh are you buying rice and beans for Coronavirus?
Me: No, I’m buying rice and beans because I’m Mexican.
Just went to the water fountain at this IKEA, only to find 2 hydrogen fountains and an oxygen fountain.
In China it’s considered bad luck to be eaten by a lion.
Interviewer: Your CV is a flip book of you setting things on fire.
Me: Wrong. If you flip the pages the other way I’m putting the fires out.
WIFE: Don’t go into the ball pit with the kids. You always lose your keys.
ME: *already in the ball pit* You’re not going to believe this.
Since instagram is down I’m not sure if there was a sunrise today or if anyone ate any food? I feel lost.
I love traveling with my husband because it gives us an opportunity to bicker in new and exotic locations.
I forgot the word “turkey”so I asked the butcher for 20 pounds of oversized angry bird gobble gobble meat.
*using intercom*
WHAT DO YOU MEAN THERE’S NO POTLUCK?!funeral director- shh this is a funeral!!
*using intercom*
I whisper – “what do you mean there’s no potluck?”
knock knock
who’s there
Reggie
Reggie who?
The Reggie-stry of sex offenders requires me to tell you that I just moved into the neighborhood
There were only 7 deadly sins and then you came along.
Currently looking for a Thanksgiving outfit that camouflages me as my mother’s wallpaper…something where I don’t have to pass the peas or her passive aggression.