Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Make it worse by saying they look tired.
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A smart Halloween costume would be an angel costume because if you died, you could just sneak your way into heaven & be like “I’m back yall”
I think someone broke into my apartment and took a bag of almonds.
Parenting is panicking when your kids are loud, and panicking when they’re quiet
Stand by me.
I need someone to blame for this air biscuit.
me: can you tell me what’s wrong with my car?
techician: sure..I’ll take a look
[later, ]
technician: it’s not too bad..
me: thank god..what is it?
technician: eh..just shit in the cylinders
me, completely clueless about cars: wow…how frequently should I do that?
My superpower is being able to watch a movie 3 times and getting something new out of it each time (because I was scrolling twitter each time).
My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke
Dog keeps sighing melodramatically. I know he wants me to ask him what’s wrong, but I’m not falling for it.
“Keep pouring, Ann. You’re not gonna BELIEVE what your dog did today.”
The very existence of a flying mammal is intrinsically insulting to a flightless bird. Hence the huge animosity involved in The Penguin vs Batman.
[God making peaches]
ANGEL: we already have nectarines
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, put hair on them
ANGEL: what
GOD: what
My toddler won’t go to sleep so I gave her a big kiss and told her that I love her very much but a little less after 9pm. She thought this was hilarious and is currently in her room cracking up, while I’m sitting here wondering how much her therapy bills are gonna be
Ratatouille (2007) – A terrible chef knowingly allows a rat infestation in his employer’s kitchen to distract from his gross incompetence.
When my wife and I started dating she’d jokingly tell me “Go play in traffic”. Now when she says it, she opens my car door while driving on the freeway.
Netflix: Watch it again
Me: No! I have things to do, people to talk to, and I haven’t been outside in 3 days
Netflix: Watch it again
Me: ok
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Is it because I’m obsessed with Greek mythology?
Her: It’s because of your stupid nicknames for things.
Me, pouring a glass of water: Would you care for Poseidon’s milk?
I talk a lot of shit for a middle aged woman who still calls it a potty.
I accepted the Microsoft terms and conditions without reading them, and apparently I’m now responsible for hemming all of Bill Gates’ pants.
first caveman to see fire: well this is a buncha bullshit that no one needs (stomps it out) and i predict that’s the last i’ll ever see of that
FOUND: 17 AGGRESSIVE DISEASED RATS LIVING IN LOCAL DUMPSTER.
PLEASE CONTACT IF YOUR 17 AGGRESSIVE DISEASED PET RATS ARE MISSING.
Husband: [wiping off dust] How long have these mixed nuts been in the pantry?
Me: Since I picked the last cashew out, I guess.
As a lil mental health treat I’ll throw a few beef bullion cubes in my hot tub then sit in it like I’m a slow cooking roast in a crock pot.
Me: Would you remarry if I died?
Wife: Yes.
Me: What?!? Would you at least WAIT awhile?
Wife: Depends. Are you dead because I killed you?
If People Rode Dinosaurs Instead of Walked.
Do dogs think humans are in a constant battle to claim toilets?
No wine. No peace.
Know wine. Know peace.
Wife: an asteroid is on it’s way!
Hubby: Did you order that from Amazon too?
Wife: Wanna try bondage?
Me: SURE
Wife: [makes me build a pyramid]