Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hey microwaves that make me hit a “time” button before I start pressing numbers: what else would I be trying to do here, make a phone call?

Me: Come quick! I’ve created a reservoir for pet Dutch rodents!

Wife: I don’t like where this is going.

Me: I call it a Hamster Dam.

Wife: I’ll be at the bar

My middle son has two imaginary horses that he always brings to my house

It’s really sweet, but it’s costing me a fortune in imaginary hay

Passengers always complaint about airport prices, but where else can you get a burger for only £5?

Me: One day, when you’re older, I’m gonna come to your house and ask you for a snack every 5 min and beg you to take me places and buy me stuff constantly

9yo: …and I’ll say no to all of it, just like you do

People at work: you’re hilarious,man

Family: you’re really funny

Friends: you’re the funniest guy we know

Twitter: you’re occasionally witty, but don’t quit your day job

Wife: you’re an idiot. that’s not funny.

I was at an outdoor cafe in Chicago when two tiny beetles started having sex on my table, in broad daylight, like it was no big deal. That town is going to hell.

*Tries to start the wave at a funeral

[couples therapy]
“Have you tried sexy lingerie?”
me: yeah but it just creeps her out.

“Sorry, guys, my mom packed the wrong outfit.”

I think carefully about what I’m going to say and I still manage to say the wrong thing. It’s truly a gift I have.

My dog asked what it was like to be human, so I told him that talking was a good start.

“Well this is silly”
– me describing a window sill

Guy waking up in saw trap if Saw was British: right. what’s all this then

Mehh

~Goat, sighing..

Some days you’re the dodgeball, some days you’re the face

I did a tarot card tweet once and it bombed. Guess I should’ve seen that coming.

they need shows for grownups like they have for kids that teach us lessons like how to share and how to deal with our feelings and maybe throw in some math too

no

deleting my dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (by stealing my father’s armor and running away in the middle of the night to fight northern invaders with the Chinese army and compete with a handsome fellow soldier by pretending to be a man)

I had to memorize a random 18 digit password before she’d let me in. Guess who stole your Soap Opera Digest out of the mailbox, Mom?

You never see a church with free wifi. I guess because no church wants to compete with an invisible power that actually works.

Jobs I’d be shit at:
-brain surgeon
-rocket scientist
-ventriloquist
-goat herder
-sober person thingy

Understand men, or die trying.

Or try dying.
Or quit trying.
Or lie crying.
Or cry tweeting.

Or tweet trying, to understand men.

Me: The enemy launched a missile, sir

Sargeant: What’s the point of impact?

Me: Because otherwise there’s no boom, sir

We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re going to take them to an IKEA instead.

6 more days, guys.. That’s December 26. The day everybody puts their shitty Xmas gifts on Ebay so poor people, like me, can buy them!

*The Proclaimers put on a Fitbit

Fitbit: Awww, Hell No!!!

[takes a drag from a cigarette] Her middle name was Danger. Her first name was Danger. Her last name was Danger. Her parents were stupid.