Everyone you meet is going through some kind of struggle, and they also have something to teach you, so do NOT make eye contact.
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She texted me, “I love U”
So I texted. “I love U2….
Not their new stuff but from like the
90’s”Now my CD’s are missing.
Weird!
Being unable to recreate this high is why we all have depression.
[first day as a detective]
me: you say the suspect—she’s got legs?
zz top: yes sir
me: and she knows how to use them?
zz top: that’s right
me: *into walkie talkie* bring chun-li in for questioning
You know how your mom used to get mad and start counting? I think the Earth is at twwwoooo.
no one:
absolutely no one:
my 8 year old: i hate lasagna if someone ever brought me one when im old id make my wife eat it
I wish I could replace my central nervous system with a central confidence system.
My doctor said I need to lose weight so I have to cut carbs. Or get a new doctor. whatever is easiest.
God: you’re a giraffe.
Giraffe: why is my neck so long?
God: it’s the only way you could reach the top of the trees.
Giraffe: that makes perfect sense!
[monkey climbs a nearby tree]
Giraffe:
God: you weren’t supposed to see that.
I think I have to give up cheese and my transformation to bitter old lady is complete
her: does an apple a day really keep the doctor away
me: *flicks cigarette butt* u ever seen a horse at the ER Karen
Me: *walks into room*
My cat, hanging by two paws, swinging from the lampshade: Hi.
Me: *walks back out of room*
Not to brag on my wife but she doubled our accidental death and dismemberment insurance when I bought a chainsaw.
[Séance]
*knock, knock*
ME: Wh-who’s there?
[ouija board spells out A-T-C-H]
ME: atch who?
[spells out B-L-E-S-S-Y-O-U]
ME: Dammit, Grandpa!
Whenever I get up my cat gets up too and then yells at me like it’s my fault she decided we have to do this together
Whenever I don’t want to listen to a song in the car with my wife I just lean over and whisper “my ex loved this song”
LIFE HACK: dont jump over a dog becuase he wil get comfused and thimk ur a frisbee and try to bite u
Daughter: *calling up the steps
Dad you almost ready?…We’re going to be late for my college orientation.
Me: *appears wearing just a toga
All set.
TWO hops this time?
In this economy?
BEARDED DRAGON: So, what do you think?
SMAUG: Get rid of it. You look ridiculous.
A jury of my peers wouldn’t get out of bed
Heroic Misunderstanding
if your brain produces saliva you have a patooey-tary gland thank you
You were all Pluto’s not even a planet and now you’re watching it from your space car all slow and creepy like. Jerk.
When my kids aren’t listening to me I just yell ignore me! And then I feel better that they’re finally listening.
Just watched a guy smell his debit card….I have some questions.
You dance so good girl. Hell yes. That looks great. You are a flower swaying with the wind. Do the running man.
-Alcohol
Sorry I screamed in terror when you showed me that pic of your offspring. She’s a very lovely whatever the hell she is.
“any ideas?”
let’s tie a bunch of helium balloons together & then hold onto the strings
“whoa whoa whoa, let’s not get carried away”
A worm is a pretty shitty prize for getting up early if you ask me.
Him: Babe, I put the leftovers in a container.
Her: Is that what you’re calling your stomach now?