Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I must warn you, I’m like an animal in bed.

Her: That’s fine by me!

*burrows under the covers and falls asleep at the foot of the bed*

[tsunami approaching]

guy: RUN

me: wait why is the T silent

responding “ummmm i have a boyfriend” anytime a coworker asks me to do something in my job description

God: i’m sorry the answers no.

Jellyfish: please?

God: it’s just too ridiculous.

Jellyfish: don’t I deserve a best friend?

God: yes but-

Jellyfish: pretty please? : (

God: I can’t just make a PeanutButterfish

my favorite genre of twitter

At least the self-checkout doesn’t ask me what I’m making for dinner with these items or when I’m going to call my mother.

*toweling off sweat from my brow, slamming a Gatorade, deep breath*

“Thank you for holding, were you able to turn it off and back on again?”

I remember owning a mobile device as a kid, it was called my bike.

can’t = can not
don’t = do not
won’t = wo not

do not @ me i wo not answer

When businesses reach out to tell me they miss me, I politely remind them I’m married.

interviewer: what are some of your strengths

me: i’m really good at making people question their reality

interviewer: what does that mean

me: [slightly tearing up] you really don’t remember the accident do you

Son of Sam I Am, a serial killer who targets people who won’t try new foods.

My friend: My fridge broke down, all my ice cream is gonna melt!
Me:
Me: Step aside.

verbiage sounds like something you’re not getting enough of in your diet

“Ah yes, well, the laws of quantum mechanics” is what I’m going to start saying, very pretentiously, when someone says something I don’t understand.

Welcome to your 40s. Time moves much faster now. Welcome to your 50s

This 3 hour home security video of me coming home drunk & trying to sneak through our motion sensor flood light should be on Netflix.

Cashier: Want carry-out help?

Me: Please

*Richard Gere appears in Navy uniform & sweeps me into his arms-I’ve forgotten my groceries

Being a civilian in a city of superhero’s must be so long 😭

my sister: why do you delete so many tweets?

me: sometimes you don’t know something’s really stupid until you send it out into the world

my mother: *staring at me just a second too long*

“to my son, i leave my bathroom scale” the lawyer sighs “because where theres a will, theres a weigh. to my wife, i leave my last high five”

“so what did you do before self-driving cars?”
“we just drove ’em ourselves!”
“wow, no one died that way?”
“oh no, millions of people died”

*gets dragged out of daycare* DON’T LISTEN TO THEM! IT’S NOT A CHOO-CHOO! IT’S A SPOON!! IT’S STRAINED CARROTS IN A SPOO

What happens if you fight a dinosaur?

You get Jurasskicked!

when you want to feed salmon to your mouth AND forehead

[after I cut a bagel] would you like the side that is somehow three times larger than the original bagel or the side that is the first object ever to have only two dimensions

DISCIPLES: Why did it take you 3 days to come back from the dead?

JESUS: [remembering all the times he hit snooze] All the praying and stuff.

Cat doesn’t realize if he succeeds in tripping me on the way downstairs to feed him, we all die.

ME: I hate him with 1/16th of the fibers of my being
GUY: Not every fiber?
ME: I hate alot of people. I’m not wasting all my fibers on 1 guy

It appears that late last night someone broke into the house and ate all the ice cream in the freezer. I’ve volunteered to lead the investigation but I doubt we’ll ever find the guy who did it