Everyone you meet is going through some kind of struggle, and they also have something to teach you, so do NOT make eye contact.
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‘You’re beautiful and I love you,” I yelled as I stood alone on the cliff, and my echo replied “I just want to be friends.”
No no, I’m not going to pay for these hot wings, I discovered them and you JUST GOT COLUMBUSED
“YoU’Re nOt gOiNg tO gEt a jOb WiTh tHoSe tAtToOs”
First of all, bold of you to assume I’m employable without my tattoos
My kid: You know what I’m thinking??
Me: [sigh] If I say yes, do you still have to tell me?
I got my superpowers when I was bitten by a radioactive idiot.
Congrats, YouTube. the algorithm really nailed my 10 year-old with ads for boxed wine, divorce attorneys and the swiffer wet jet
*a snake wearing one skinny jean*
Men only want ONE THING and it’s to have a portrait hidden in their attic that becomes ugly and twisted while they remain young and beautiful forever
Author: So, I’ve got this children’s book. It’s about a hungry caterpillar.
Agent: Pass
Author: A VERY hungry caterpillar.
Agent: Go on…
Apps are like “wanna skip this ad? Click this tiny x, sausage fingers lol”
Police say a man was found lying dead on his couch and wrapped in a blanket. Apparently there were signs of a snuggle.
*suddenly pulls away from kissing* why aren’t there any female Transformers?!?
I feel like maybe if God didn’t spend all his time helping people win at sports and awards shows he’d have time to fix some shit
The cashiers at the liquor store really need to start asking me for ID again. I’m not a fan them studying my fine lines above my mask like they’re the Da Vinci code before ultimately deciding I’m an old.
A group of arsonists is called a firing squad.
🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎶EVERYBODY DANCE NOW🎶
AMERICA:
Here in the UK
we refer to Jay Z as “Jay Zed”
Ice T as “Ice Ted”
And LL Cool J as “Led Led Cool Jed”
Take revenge, crap on a pigeon.
*during a magnitude 1 earthquake*
Owner of the Etch-a-sketch museum: no no No NO!
Do I like to live dangerously?
I wrote this without my glasses on so what do you thick
Me: *In kitchen loudly eating carrots.
Dog: *Asleep in bedroom
Me: *In pantry, munching on Oreos.
Dog: *Loudly snoring in bedroom
Me: *Opens fridge, looks at steak.
Dog: *Already sitting expectantly next to me.
Me: I need to get something off my chest
My conjoined twin: I HAVE A NAME
Him: Will you proofread this essay for me?
Me: Dammit, Todd! I CAN read and don’t need to prove it to you everytime you write something.
If you’ve never said “I love you too” in a way that sounds a tad bit angry, then you must not have kids you are trying to put to bed.
You know spaghetti is done when it leaves and takes the kids
moisten thyself and wait for me in the westernmost grunting shed
I let my 5 year old talk me into playing kickball-basketball, so now I’ve got to explain this bloody nose to my wife.
*drops some peanut butter on the table*(stares at it)
Husband: You’re not going to eat that, are you?
Me: NO! *eats it*
If insanity is repeating the same action expecting a different outcome, should I just wait til my kids are in college to clean the house?