Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Last night I slept for 8 hours straight, and then for 2 hours gay.

MOVIE IDEA: Jurassic Park, but the fences all work and everyone just has a really lovely time.

I’m from a family of polite kleptomaniacs.

I take after my dad.

nobody sighs louder than an unemployed, debt-free dog who spends at least 16 hours a day sleeping

don’t ask what my resolution is. there are 3 days left in this garbage year and i am focusing on being my worst possible self for every minute of them. “exercise more” “eat better” go to hell, im gonna burn down a tgi fridays

Them: how does 9am sound?

Me: sounds like you’re dead to me

Trying to impress the doctor by telling her I don’t need a prescription to get Xanax.

model UN: we follow parliamentary procedure, you can’t just call “dibs”

me:

model UN: also you can only be countries that exist

me: the nation of flavortown declares war on the UN

NARRATOR: When camping be wary of savage bears trying to take your food

*camera pans to a bear holding glass of wine with a wtf expression

If I was a bartender, anytime someone asked for a drink I would say “Why don’t you take a pitcher, it’ll last longer.”

😤😤

I’m a real gym rat (i go there at night and eat their garbage)

David Draiman singing “Oh-wa-ah-ah-ah” in the intro of “Down with the Sickness”, but it’s just the sounds I make while trying to put on socks.

My boyfriend said that I’m more than enough woman for him, and now I’m mad because I think he called me fat.

Maintains eye contact with the cashier as he rings up my gloves, duct tape, knife and tampons

My sister: *saying what name she has picked out for her baby*

My 10-year-old, in no uncertain terms telling her not to name her baby that: I met a horse with that name.

I told my friends, family and dentist that I chipped my tooth recently because Storm Isha blew the garden door into my face at high speed. The truth is that I was actually playing tug of war with our Alsatian dog, by holding the other end of the rope in my teeth.

Just opened the freezer and the vodka literally rolled out into my hands, no way I could ignore this sign from god.

You don’t have a Twitter account. Twitter has a You account.

Everything sounds good when you’re not listening.

[party]
What exactly does BYOB mean?

“Bring your own beer”

Bill Nye the Science Guy slowly slides the bacteria sample back in his lab coat

It might sound childish, but when my wife pisses me off, I dry my hands on the towels that “are just for decoration”

All I’m saying is no one ever country westerns you like a hurricane.

Friends with no kids are like:

Want to go to New Zealand this Friday?

Walked outside to say hello to the owl and the neighbor thought I was saying hi to him.
If you think a woman is speaking to you, look around and make sure she isn’t talking into a tree. She is probably actually speaking to an owl.

My wife sends me home improvement TikToks and says these projects “would be so easy” for me to do so I started sending her the elaborate “simple” cooking ones and now we’ve reached an uncomfortable truce.

Desks that can easily support a few hundred lbs must have some naughty stories to tell the other desks at break time.

The one nice thing about your friends’ divorces is no one invites you to them.

We gave DanceBot a machete as a joke. No one could have predicted the rhythmic horror that came next.

Watching the Hunger Games with my 9yo and she says, “Why can’t they just move to Canada where it’s peaceful?”