Everyone you meet is going through some kind of struggle, and they also have something to teach you, so do NOT make eye contact.
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Give me Players for $500 Alex
“When you lose the game because you don’t have any moves”
What is checkmate?
“Wrong! What is your sex life”
My wife said “you really have no sense of direction do you?”. I said “where did that come from?” Happy turkey day
*pronounces UPS like yoops
It’s so awkward when a bird arrives back at its nest and the worms in its mouth realise that wasn’t just a free aerial tour of the city.
I used to care passionately about so many things. Now, there is only cheese and cookies.
toddler: daddy do you like this book?
me: no
toddler: *snuggles in* perfect
Sometimes, I think I have had enough personal embarrassment for one lifetime, but then, I’m all like, “No.”
[rises from chair]
NO.
me: i’d like to buy a data storage system
assistant: hard drive
me: yes the freeway was gridlocked
My personal trainer at the gym told me I need to start working on my upper body strength. I told him to just open the damn pickles and STFU.
Band: Are you ready to rock?!
Me: I need to pee first.
[millennial children kindergarten roll call]
Teacher: Nancy?
Nancy: here
Nanci: here
Nancee: here
Pnancy: Here
Gnancy: here
ME: (to my heist crew) let’s ditch our getaway car in this pond
(puts rock on gas pedal, car revs into pond, disappears underwater)
ME: ok now….wait what’s that splashing
(Car emerges from the water on the far shore and just keeps going)
NARRATOR: The all new Chevy Malibu
The most embarrassing thing about mistaking pilates class for pirates class is concealing my musket.
i hope my 2 grandmothers dont find out about each other
ME: [first day as a detective] Was the robber armed?
VICTIM: Yes. 9 millimetre.
ME: *writing ‘probably a T-Rex’ in my notebook* Thank you.
Honey Boo Boo evolves into Sugar Scab! Pokemon is back baby!
I wear Lacoste shirts with the little crocodile on them because when shit goes down I want crocodiles to know that I’m on their side.
Please stop calling a picture of a grilled cheese sandwich “food porn”.
Found the book “How to solve half your problems.” So I bought two of them.
Just Once i’d like the Circus to Run Away with Me
I thought I was experiencing early menopause but it turned out one of my kids set the thermostat to 87°.
[camping]
me: why can’t i find any animals
wife: the wildlife is very conservative here
deer: climate change is a myth
I love when British people call it a “rubbish bin,” like my kitchen trash got a monocle
The Mission Impossible theme song plays as I try to have a balanced meal.
“weighing in at 129 lbs, here to throw down in a gown, to slay with a bouquet-”
(Bride walks down the aisle, upset I mentioned her weight)
Guys, I hate to tell ya this, but applied tiger balm liberally this morning and I’m still not a tiger.
[getting my license]
Me: *points at gas gauge* the car just ate so we have to wait 30 minutes
Instructor: *unclicks seatbelt*
The seven new planets cause havoc with your readings. There is nothing but chaos and pain and, for some reason, hot singles in your area.
Me: You know what I don’t get?
Friend: Laid.
Me:
Friend:
Me: You know what else I don’t get?