Everyone younger than me is an idiot. Everyone older than me has lost their mind.
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Someone: what have you been up to?
Me: thanks, you too.
[Watching 101 Dalmatians with a cute girl]
Hold up, hold up. Pause it, please. Thanks. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine,
2014: maybe 2015 will be better
2015: maybe 2016 will be better
2016: omg, wtf is happening?
2017: is this a bad dream?
2018: no seriously, WTF?!
2019: AN ASTEROID WOULD BE NICE
STEVE MILLER: some people call me the space cowboy
ME: dude we only did that once and we all really really regret it
Cop: Are you drunk? You were driving in the middle of 2 lanes
Me: No. I was pretending my car was Pacman eating the dotted line
It’s a good thing that our phones only convey sight and sound. No offense, but from most of you I would never want to receive a smelfie!
Laying in a hammock is essentially saying, “I hope there are no emergencies.”
My 6yo is excited at the possibility of being a ghost, but wants to know if her toys will remain real toys or become ghost toys
Spider-Man
Spider-Man
Does whatever a spider can
Spins a web
Any size
Catches thieves
Eats those guys
Hey wait
Don’t do that Spider-Man
“Terrible twos” is such a misleading phrase. It makes it sound like other ages are better.
In time, the dust settled, and the dust took a job it hated and married someone it could barely tolerate
If you ever ask a teen to do something and they just say “sure” without arguing, check that they haven’t been replaced with an android.
My friend: Have you ever tripped on mushrooms?
Me: Yeah I’m very clumsy
I like how people say “travel safely” like I’m the one flying the plane.
LOCAL BOTS ARE SICK AND TIRED OF PRETENDING TO BE HOT LOCAL SINGLES AND WANT YOU TO ACCEPT THEM AS THEY ARE; LINES OF CODE AND NOTHING MORE
[job interview]
What are your strengths?
Me: inventing special occasions.
Is that even a *I interrupt him with a happy cereal day song*
They should make a moral fiber supplement
For someone who dislikes Bill Gates, my dad sure does dress a lot like him.
No one is more drunk with power than a toddler who has learned to use a cup with no lid or straw
it’s so awesome that once a month i’m like “I HAVE to die. this feeling is 100% real and caused by the circumstances of my life” and then the next day I get my period
My teenager just got mad at me about something he THINKS his brother MIGHT say to him later.
Children are a blessing.
I hate ramen noodles.
*Checks bank account balance*
I love ramen noodles!
if you have over 100 followers there is a secret group of people who meet once a week to throw darts at a picture of your face
[at aquarium]
That’s a lot of octopussys to have in a tank.
“Octopi”
Oh sorry…that’s a lot of octopussys to occupy a tank.
~mattress store
ME:i need to use the intercom
CASHIER:no
M:this time for real…my kid’s lost
C:
M:
C:fine
M:*to entire store*I SEE BED PEOPLE
Me *chatting up another mom at the playground*: What an adorable name for a boy!
Her: Thanks. We named him after our favorite water bottle company
“I need to buy a book for school before tomorrow.”
~ Kids, at 10pm Sunday night
I’m so forgetful, I swear I’d lose my own head if it wasn’t attached with this black velvet ribbon which you must never, ever, ever touch.
Boeing apologizes for miscalculating how many of you they could kill cutting corners before everyone got all mad
I accidentally gave my newborn Muscle Milk instead of formula and now he’s blasting Pantera and doing one arm pull-ups off his crib