Everyone younger than me is an idiot. Everyone older than me has lost their mind.
You Might Also Like
My kid is running around the house with an open umbrella draped across his shoulders and got mad because I couldn’t guess he was a *checks notes* vampire blaster mechagodzilla.
My 3yo told me he was going to clean up the mess by punching it and I was like, “Dude, I’ve tried and it doesn’t work.”
The possibility of monsters residing underneath your bed is negated when the mattress is positioned on the floor.
Reverse psychology – only it’s me swapping chairs when my therapist went to the bathroom.
behind every “do what you want” is a secret “if you dare”
vanessa carlton drove a piano one thousand miles to get to the one she loved and i can’t even get a text back.
*coroner takes picture of my body after I’m brutally murdered*
Me: delete it
Got very excited when I saw that Mastodon was trending. Was quite disappointed to discover that it had nothing to do with prehistoric animals.
A mosquito bit me and now it’s gotten a DUI and an intervention
Every
Single
Year
Picture a travel softball team doing a TikTok dance in a public restroom.
Now picture me stuck in the stall because they have to re-record 12 times to get it “post-worthy.”
Can you guess where I’m tweeting from?
I let my 5 year old talk me into playing kickball-basketball, so now I’ve got to explain this bloody nose to my wife.
we got a new bathroom accessory and now the toilet is amazed when I pee
It’s easy to watch movies on this plane! Just download our app, set your phone to airplane mode, turn on your wifi, select our wifi, go to our website, enter in the special key, add a photo of your driver’s license, enter your social security number twice, give us your first born.
“OH MY GOD YOU’RE A DOG HEY SMELL ME I’M A DOG TOO” – dogs
me: “it hurts when i pee”
doctor: “quit peeing on my desk and ill stop hitting you!”
Get a dog they said …they never said anything about never ever being able to eat in peace ever again.
I’m not the girl you should put on speakerphone.
If someone’s embarrassed just tell them an astronaut did the same thing. For example, “It’s ok, Buzz Aldren once shit himself in an Arby’s”
Parish Council to all moorside residents –
Once again: the nightly screams beyond the high cottages are foxes. They aren’t the result of werewolf activity. Stop spreading this silly idea. This is 2020. You should all know werewolves prefer to strike before their prey screams.
9 out of 7 people can’t do fractions
homeless guy said “hey there pretty lady, show me that smile, where’s that smile?” and I said “it’s at my house”
Sometimes, when I’m on a date with my wife of sixteen years, I break awkward silences by saying first date things like “so, I’ve never dated a mom before”
wake up babe a new cause of homosexuality just dropped
Who called them reply guys instead of first responders?
If you’re being pursued by an assailant on a space hopper, a tack is the best form of defence.
I wonder if Sallys parents were like “Yeah great idea Sally. Sell seashells. On the seashore. Where there are tons of free shells. Idiot.”
“You’re a HORRIBLE parent!”
– my daughter because I won’t let her use a chainsaw to make a treehouse.
Pro-tip for you non-anxious folks out there, if you’re gonna shoot someone a “Hey can we talk” message, for the love of God include what you want to talk about
Game of Thrones, at its core, has always been a show about how much it sucks to be a horse