Everyone younger than me is an idiot. Everyone older than me has lost their mind.
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imagine prince eric watching ariel get her voice back in the little mermaid and finding out she sounds exactly like donald duck
Last night, I was running from Justin Bieber-head polygamist in Utah-who demanded that I become his 4th wife.
I’m not taking any Benadryl tonight
I can clear that with ease, Elsie! Frankly, your lack of confidence is insulting.
20 seconds later:
kids these days don’t know but it’s mad how many CD-Rs we were all burning 20 years ago. you’d usually get in a couple before breakfast, ideally nip home at lunch for a quick one, kick back in the evening burning a few and then wake up multiple times a night to insert fresh discs
What if i just replied “not now kitten daddy’s busy” to all my work emails?
I’d remove my mittens to text you back, baby
-Canadians flirting
My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.
Whenever I have to sign something to send back to my kid’s school, I always worry they’ll think she forged it even though I try to use my best “grown-up” penmanship.
I was just giving my son a mini-lecture on the phone & he did the whole “Oh, you’re breaking up, I can’t hear you” thing.
I hope his new foster family is nice.
You know when you’ve taken your glasses off but it feels like they’re still on your head? I’m like that but with pants. I’ve literally just touched my head but my pants weren’t there.
safari guide: please keep your arms inside the vehicle
me: [a lion has my arm already] call a doctor
If Adrian Peterson is getting indicted for spanking his kid with a stick my mom should get the electric chair.
Me to 8: Please stop growing bigger
8: YOU stop growing bigger
And just like that, a sweet moment was ruined
The kids are upset we’re having chicken and peas for dinner which means our dog is very happy we’re having chicken and peas for dinner.
Whenever I feel overwhelmed, I ask myself, “What would Jesus do?”, then I hide for three days in a cave
[My date and I both speak at the same time]
Me: Haha sorry! You go firstDate: I was just gonna say I love this wine, and the food is delicious. What were you gonna say?
Me: Should male sheep be called heep?
The wife always talks to herself in the shower. She says that’s how she plans her day.
Don’t like eavesdropping. Just wanna make sure she’s not leaving us.
In my defense Facebook didn’t alert me it’s my wife’s birthday.
[Invention of the airplane]
Wilbur: We’re ready
Orville: I’m still skeptical about this working
Wilbur: Hey, do you want to fight the moon or not?
Orville: *angrily making a fist* Let’s go
Yes, I’ll fight for the last samble of cheese. We all fought for our ”right to party”, remember? The bar is low
the average person eats three spiders a year, but as you’re about to find out, it takes an entire year for three spiders to eat a person
Obama: Didn’t think he’d be late
Biden: I gave him the wrong address
Obama: Joe he’s the president-elect
Biden: idgaf what they call him
*lowers head
*breaks thru 5 tackles
*hurdles lineman
*runs 100 yards
*hamstrung at goal line
*dragged back to line of scrimmage-my wedding
There are days & nights where I’m surrounded by profound Darkness, followed by a realisation that I need to stop wearing shades in my house.
What idiot decided to call them koalas instead of awww-stralians?
ME: I’m much better thinking outside the box
PRISON GUARD: Still no
Cabinet installer arrested, charged with counter fitting.
Person: Don’t bite the hand that feeds you.
Me: I understand.
*I spend the rest of my life biting the hands of everyone who hasn’t fed me*