Everyone’s a badass until Mufasa dies.
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I met my wife at a singles night
I was surprised as I thought she was at home with the kids
It’s funny how Gina who cheated on me in 9th grade because I was “too much of a prude” is now a Catholic school teacher.
keep your Glenns Close and your Glennemies Closer
My dog, introducing himself to our neighbor’s dog. I’m not gonna tell him.
You can have a child or you can have a phone charger. You can’t have both.
Pi Day is just a fake holiday created by math companies to sell more math.
Netflix needs a notification that says ‘Do you want to watch something or not?’ for when couples are taking too long to decide
Everyone shut up, my 1st grader is telling me a 30-minute long story about how Laberham Lincoln got shot.
Me: How was schoo—
5yo: LUNCH WAS CHEESE PIZZA AS BIG AS MY FACE. THEY HAVE IT EVERY DAY THIS WEEK.
Me: So it was—
5yo: I LOVE IT HERE. FIVE STARS
I just found out my twin brother and I were switched at birth.
[watching Disney movie]
Daughter: this movie is dumb.
Me: why?
Daughter: the bad guy just told the good guy everything he was gonna do through song.
Me: yeah lol.
Daughter: when I’m a villain I will simply not sing my evil plan out loud for all to hear.
Me: smart-wait what?
I’m such a procrastinator, I’m just now getting around to worrying about Zika Virus.
Me: *disappointed* so an oral argument isn’t having make up sex after a row?
Lawyer:
Him: So are you into horseback riding or mountain biking? Me: I usually like to drive myself but sometimes I take uber.
Hi, I joined a cult.
*got an air fryer
*takes all the free samples from the deli counter*
~ adds Freelance Cheese Taster to my resumé
[a boomerang is thrown at me]
me: oh no holy frickin crap !
[one second later]
me: (toughly) …ok yeah that’s what i THOUGHT
It’s not a competition, we’re both tired and I’m way more tired than you.
Maybe jesus needs me in his life
Trump: “I’m going to make sure we let in less immigrants.”
Pence: “Fewer!”
Trump: “Shhh, don’t call me that yet.”
(first day as a marine scientist)
Me: When do we get to…
Field supervisor: For the tenth time, we are not here to boop shark noses
My fridge is a veritable cornucopia of leftovers. I am not grateful for this cornucopia. My cornucopia is beginning to grow stuff.
i trust rabbits implicitly. they wouldn’t let just anybody have ears like that
Aw, crap. My airbnb has one of those cellars with a man locked in a cage who claims he’s just a normal man who was kidnapped but the property owner says he’s actually the devil in human disguise and if I let him out, his evil will end the world.
AND the wifi is spotty. Christ.
I envy those who look beautiful with a messy bun and not me who looks like I either just climbed out of a ditch or played with an outlet with a fork.
I didn’t lose my marbles, I gave them away.
me: i just don’t feel employable. no, beyond that. something is fundamentally broken or missing in me. i belong nowhere.
my landlord: Hey 😡👊 Don’t say that about my tenant 💔
Every animal: how will we see things that are behind us?
God: just turn around
Almost every animal: ok
Owl: I absolutely will not
I don’t want kids, but I do want grandkids. Hoping science finds a way