everyone’s a critic
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If the Earth was really flat, all the cats would have pushed everything off it by now.
it’s a beautiful day. I step into the sunlight, warm on my skin. wow it’s actually really hot. questioning my choice to wear a black shirt. damn it’s sweltering and humid too. I’m pouring sweat. all I’ve had is black coffee. oh my god this shirt is 87% polyester call an ambulance
I think the bowl of ice cream I ate earlier gave me a stomach ache so I ate a another bowl to make sure.
I hate feeling like I’m racing against someone in a grocery store aisle. Like aren’t we grownups here? Anyway, I won.
“Can I help you?”
“Please communicate my desire to open a dialogue with the ownership of this establishment regarding the possible procurement of gainful employment as promulgated by the advertisement affixed to the portal.”
“So, you’re here about the job?”
“Most indubitably.”
His and her closets is code for “she gets two closets.”
I love having a bowl for my keys by the door, it’s really helpful to have one less place to look for them
I don’t hate people for their skin, creeds or heritage. I hate them based on how fond they are of Minions.
“I refuse to visit shops that gender children’s beds”
“Like a boycott?”
“Don’t you start”
Beastie Boys: So whatcha whatcha whatcha want?
2020: *deep breath*
Sock seller: sorry, no Christmas discounts
Centipede grandma: please I have 1 grandchildren
My black pants had more cat hair on them after they came out of the dryer. Guess I should check the dryer for cats before I start it.
It finally happened: someone asked me where the library was in Spanish. I’ve been training for this since high school.
Forever in awe of dads who eat at buffets like they have a personal vendetta against the owners. They’re out there trying to bankrupt those guys by getting 14 plates of orange chicken
Just tried to watch a James Bond movie and wow, first thing that happens is he walks into frame and fires his gun at me, the viewer. I have never felt so disrespected in my entire life and expect better from a man wearing a tuxedo. One star.
Today, I saw someone waving and I wasn’t sure whether they were waving at me or at someone behind me. In other news, I was fired from my lifeguard job.
Who thought blowing out candles on a cake was a good tradition? Ah yes; wax would go well with this cake and you know what else? Child spit.
Every time my phone rings
Women hate it when you call them ma’am or sleep with their friends.
[Being murdered]
(with every stab, i move my body so that the murderer strikes acupuncture points which, to his dismay, makes me feel great)
judas: hey man want to come out to last supper
jesus: what?
judas: regular supper, we’re having regular supper tonight, are you free
It’s like the only thing my kids learned from Snow White is that fruit is horribly poisonous.
Don’t you hate it when some idiots won’t even go 5 mph over the speed limit in the left lane but then when you try to pass them all of a sudden they want to go 127 mph into the sun
EVERY SENTIENT & NON-SENTIENT CONGLOMERATION OF MOLECULES ON THIS EARTH HAS A BF. WTF.
domino’s pizza: eric is on the way with your order, do you have any special instructions?
me: tell him to be ready to wrestle
Kids are easy to care for until they learn to roll over. After that you’re never
sure what they’re up to for the rest of their lives.
Cop: Sir…
I know, I know. Why is my dog dri-
Cop: WHY IS YOUR DOG DRIVING
I threw the ball too far during fetch
Cop: Fair enough
Sorry I can’t come to your thing tonight, I’m too busy figuring out an excuse about why I can’t come to your thing next week
Props to just stopping in the middle of the grocery aisle. Personally never tried it, but it seems big.
Disney’s Aladdin taught me that as long as you have a foundation of lies, actual magic, and one of you is rich, a relationship can work.