Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Many commentators say that vigilante groups are never the answer. But they clearly don’t know the masked Ecuadorian trio named “Acción Ortográfica Quito,” who roam the streets at night with a singular purpose: to correct all the spelling and grammar mistakes they find in graffiti

When they try to steal your moment.

Having your stuff stolen is the heist form of flattery

Men don’t ignore us; they have selective hearing. Give them instructions for roasted turkey & they’ll remember “breast, thighs, moist & hot”

If I see a parked car with one of those stick figure family things, I always add a sticker of myself to it and then just wait in the car.

If smartphones existed in the 80’s, most of us would have a parole officer.

5-year-old thought it was living room and dying room as opposed to living room and dining room. No wonder meal times have been so stressful.

[texting my friend]

me: sorry I missed your party yesterday

friend: it’s today actually

me: read this again tomorrow then

Mom: Time to wake updog.
Son: *groggily* What’s updog?
Mom: Just waking you up for school, dog, what’s up wit u?
Dad (from hallway): OWNED

Somebody Cadbury Cream egged our house last night. I’d be upset, but I’ve been too busy licking off the bricks.

Oh, the Queen can move in any direction?

Let’s see her walk backward.

Now diagonally.

Cha-cha real smooth.

oh no, pressed the wrong button on the remote and accidentally summoned a demon again

NEW DRINKING GAME:

1) Put on the new Twilight movie

2) When you press play, take 59 shots of vodka so you can die before it starts.

If these seasonal allergies don’t kill me, that person I just sneezed all over probably will.

I went for a run today. Of course it was a beer run, but I was sweating.

I may eat animals, but at least I wait until they’re DEAD.

Plants are ALIVE, vegans.

You disgust me.

Last year I had no valentine, this year I also have no valentine. Consistency 🙏🏾

In France for work. Obviously I knew there would be lots of people with dogs. What I was not prepared for is that the dogs seem aware they are French

If you refer to your air guitar using air quotes, does that mean you have a real guitar?

My ex boyfriend listens to Christmas music year round and that’s not even the worst thing about him.

Years ago after much testing and pearl clenching, a library I worked for purchased chairs that were designed to discourage snoozing. Within 15 minutes of the day they arrived, someone fell asleep in one. Wish I had saved the photo.

5-year-old: *spreads arms wide* I love you this much.

Me: Aw.

5: *spreads arms even wider* But I’d love you this much if we had a pool.

The absolute effort that went into this omg

Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s where you left your car.

Carpenters are only in it for them shelves.

In hell, every bite of steak tastes like kale.

General: Why is the whole battalion yellow and slimy?
Me: I mustard the troops.
General: …
Me: Just as you told me to, sir.

what’s a good synonym for “experienced” to use in an overview summary on a resume? i tried “jaded” and apparently that’s not what employers are looking for

hey, teens who listen to classic rock: you were probably conceived to some of your favorite songs.

Who died and made you king? Oh the king before you died. Well that makes sen- Oh he was your father. Well then I’m very sorry for your loss.