Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When my wife says “Guess what today is.”

Every time I delete a selfie, I imagine the sound of a Gremlin being burned alive by the sunlight.

Best thing about staying in an Airbnb is trying to see what’s in that one locked closet.

Looking for a pet that is friendly, loyal, fun and, in the eventuality of an apocalypse, tasty.

Children are the future. Cuz in the present, they’re hella annoying

[“Platonic” male friend rams car through my bedroom wall]

I heard you broke up with your girl. You ok? Ready to give men a try now?????????

Me: you are my queen.
Her: awwww thanks 😍
Me *rolling out guillotine* and monarchy is an abomination.

Doing car review videos where I tell you if there’s enough elbow room to clean your ears while driving, how it sounds while in the car wash, and how much spaghetti fits in each Pringle holder

Friend: ow I just cut my finger

Me: ouch

Friend: can u put a bandaid on it

Me: *putting bandaid on knife blade* smart, then it won’t be so sharp

put goat milk on the menu, everyone cheers
put goat juice on the menu, you get a visit from the health inspector
what’s that about

My two-year olds have reached the age where they can remember when I’ve told them that we’ll do something “later” and I don’t want to overstate it but I’m pretty sure this is the worst thing that’s ever happened to me.

Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.

[first time skydiving]

me: oh no my charcuterie board

Wife: I don’t feel like he makes our relationship a priority

Marriage counselor: would you like to respond?

Me: *just absolutely going to town on a calzone*

[at preschool open house hearing nut allergy policy]

*raises hand*
What if I draw a peanut on her napkin?

Wife: Please go wait in the car

When I worked in fragrance, my friends and family would ask for samples all the time.

Now that I work in a bank… Same

I finally found a reason to live again.

CAPTCHA: select all the boxes that contain love

HADDAWAY: shit

Yoga class instructor: Welcome. Uhh why are you carrying a lightsaber?

Me: Misread the brochure I have.

Give it to me straight
“I’d really like to have sex with you-”
Now give it to me gay
“-r boyfriend.”

I’m trying to cut back on how much sense I make

sorry I cut you off mid-sentence so I could sprint after an ice cream truck

5: wow, you look so pretty

Me: thank yo—

5: with your sunglasses on

Me: am I pretty without them?

*UNCOMFORTABLY LONG PAUSE*

5: sure

My gym is opening up again, so now I have to go back to not going because I’m lazy.

If you give me a hard time about being out of shape I will bury you in a shallow grave. A very, very, shallow grave

I’m being attacked 😭

goals for 2016:

1) spend more time with my son
2) learn about his fav video games
3) defeat him
4) become video game household champion

Please help. My husband just started running. He runs in jeans. With a belt. I don’t have anyone I can talk to about this. I am so alone.

Me: I hear you love company?
Mystery: No, that’s Misery
Me: Oh
Mystery:
Me:
Mystery:
Me:
Mystery: OR IS IT