Everyone’s a gangster until the grocery store switches their aisles around.
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If by hot yoga you mean crawling around on the floor of my car in 90 degree weather looking for the sippy cup that rolled away then yes I do hot yoga
I used to be a big proponent of super-descriptions of characters in stories–down to the last ribbon of their costume. Nowadays, I think vague details work well for a lot of reasons, such as not having to go back and remember how you described them when you’re writing a new book.
When pets wake me up at 5 am, it’s painful but adorable and I come right to life.
When humans do it, they lose a finger.
freak people out in public restrooms by saying “come in” when they knock on the stall door
Don’t bother putting your hand over my mouth to shut me up, I will lick you.
My husband referred to one of my freckles as an age spot. Details to come on a candlelight vigil held in his honor.
I’ll never reveal my secrets.
Alcohol: Lol.
[inventing colonization]
britain: i wish the whole world was this miserable
Objection your honor, if the prosecutor doesn’t have anything nice to say then he shouldn’t say anything at all
You know how you stumble to the bathroom at night keeping your eyes squeezed shut so you don’t fully wake up?
That’s the whole month of January for me
In addition to the usual teeth cleaning pain, my wonderful dental hygienist heard “Runaway Train” come on and said “oh I haven’t heard the Goo Goo Dolls in years” and it was like 5 excruciating minutes before I could sputter “Soul Asylum”
My obsession with visiting different hardware stores has me hitting new Lowe’s.
Friend gave me a ‘stress’ ball to squeeze when I’m tense. Did what I always do when nervous, I ate it.
i now pronounce you bounced.
I have an Architectural Engineering Degree, but every Christmas present I wrap looks like Picasso painted a picture of it.
husband: do you know where the thing is
me: could I buy a noun
“We ride at dawn”
Me headed to the grocery on Thanksgiving eve
Nobody:
God: Make half of them allergic to spring
I’m smart. Just not remembers how to write a cursive Z, smart.
I just realized how much money I’m gonna save on education when I drove past a field with cows in it and my 4yo says “hey look moo cows oink oink oink!”
Twitter’s original name was “Sentence Contest”
I invited Alan over for dinner.
“Alan Jacobs? Or Alan who thinks he’s Captain America?”
*a badly painted bin lid smashes through the window*
One day my GPS is gonna say, “You should know this one by now” and shut off.
Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog
We’ve got people working on world peace, and I’m here wondering how I can swipe a piece of my patient’s chocolate without her noticing.
*first day as a lawyer*
Bailiff: All rise for the judge.
Me: *too lazy* Objection.
no one:
me at 2am: maybe cake in the fridge also can’t sleep cause it’s thinking about me
They updated the Raggedy Ann doll to Swaggedy Ann. She comes with an iPhone, divorced parents, and 3 pairs of heelys
GUY 1: a bee flew in my eye
GUY 2: I just ate a bird
GUY IN BACK: I can’t hear u
TOGETHER: there must be a better way
NARRATOR: windshields