Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.
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Hey everybody, I just finished the 30 day yoga challenge and it was easier than I expected. In fact, I bet I could go another 30 days without doing yoga.
Crocodiles possess the cerebral cortex function necessary for memory. So they’ll likely be hurt if you don’t actually show up after while.
My family keeps throwing sweaters in the laundry basket like we wash those.
If anything happens to me and I die, please don’t tell my husband how many times I’ve used garlic powder instead of real garlic.
He’s 52, from now on let’s just call him John Depp.
how am i supposed to keep up with what day it is when it changes every 24 hours
My new diet plan is to hibernate and live off all this fat I’ve accumulated.
If I ever have another kid I’m just gonna name it Audacity since that seems to be the specialty of the humans I make.
A starfish has five arms.
An anablep has four eyes.
An octopus has three hearts.And you’ve got two faces.
Ugh I’ve put on so much weight. Can you believe I used to be 7lbs 9oz?
You can’t hurt me. You’re not my mouth full of ice water after chewing mint gum
PSA:
Drinks had at a work christmas party will get you drunk at least 50% quicker than drinks had when with friends
Her: We need to talk.
*vultures begin circling over me*
“Easy Come, Easy Go” – My clinic name if I ever become a urologist.
You come into my house on this, the day of my dark chocolate soy milk’s expiration?
*bumps into an acquaintance in a world where there’s no such thing as weather* Uhhhhhhhhhhh
Washed the drying rack and now idk where to dry it
[In a meeting]
Chad: You look tired this morning, Liz.
Liz: *glares*
Me: *whispers* nobody can help you now, Chad.
Tyrannosaurus Clark Kent, unable to do shit because he can’t remove his glasses
Could you Christian rock singers please invest in a thesaurus. I think God is fully aware by now that you think he is “great” and “awesome.”
Him: Can you forgive me?
*mental montage of me trying to figure out who this guy is*
Me: Yes, but I’m really hurt so please give me time.
ME: I’ve been depressed lately
DOCTOR: Okay, well, try this new med but watch out for possible side effects like depression, mood swings & emotional instability
ME: what
DOCTOR: what
FOUR RULES FOR DATING MY TEENAGE DAUGHTER:
1) get her home by 11 p.m.
2) so we can chill
3) i have mario party
4) be my friend
With the passing of Hugh Hefner, we must now turn the page on an American icon.
*Pages stick together
my roommate had a party last night and i asked one of the guys here what his job was and he said skateboarder
One day you’re bad to the bone and before you know it you’re tired to the bone
If you’re bringing an acoustic guitar camping it will be used as firewood.
People Complain They’ve Been Cancelled; coming soon to prime time television.
I saw a guy that had a knife on his belt tonight and I thought, “now there’s a guy that’s really prepared to slice some cake”