Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Welcome to your 40s. Time moves much faster now. Welcome to your 50s

Guy on fb posted a picture of his baby w/ the caption “1st Easter!” Hell no, there have been like 2000, we’re not starting over just for him

This is literally the only instance I’ve ever seen someone “asking for it”

I think the English invented raisins as a joke because of their dry sense of humour.

*Googles myself*

“Oh so that’s why I didn’t get the job.”

don’t forget to look out for your single friends today! leave shallow bowls of water out around the garden so they stay hydrated! if you see one struggling try and feed it with a teaspoon of sugar water to help revive them!

My boss encouraged us to think about why we come to work every day.
I don’t think “I need money to live” was the answer she was looking for.

I always live in constant fear that a bicep avi is gonna steal my lady and treat her right

yesterday i was walking to an interview and on the way there, I saw a starving cat. I stopped to feed it and missed the interview. The next day I got a call asking to come in to do the interview. I was surprised but I went anyways. The interviewer came in. It was the cat.

good let them take over I have had enough

ME: Can I taste your pancakes?

HUSBAND: Okay, but just one bite.

ME:

[grocery store robbery]

ROBBER: *sets gun on conveyor belt so cashier sees*

ME(next in line): *slowly places grocery separator behind gun*

1818 – Rides for miles on horseback to find a newspaper to read by candle light.

2018 – If it takes more than two clicks, I’m not reading it.

I’m always disappointed when I get an “animal detected” alert from my security system and it’s a mosquito on the lense and not a sasquatch in my back yard.

the audacity of someone being in the store aisle i want to go down.

Someone tweeted that they had just baked some synonym buns.

I replied, “Just like the ones grammar used to make?”

Now, I’m blocked.

“Oh, are you driving?” -Good question to ask someone as they force you into their trunk

My granddaughter told me that her boss wanted her to sign up for a 401k but she told him that there was no way she could run that far.

[whispering to beached whale] Do you come here often?

*gets called abnormal*

*checks for normal abs*

You guys remember back before Google when we would just sit around and wonder about shit ….?

Half the time when you booked The Cure, you got Placebo instead..

Trust my gut? The thing that tricks me into buying gas station sushi and roller dogs? No thanks.

The first thing to do today is find out where I parked the car and then try to remember why I’m still in it

Saw a TV at the dumpster with a sign that said ‘free TV’ and boy do I feel stupid, I paid $200 for the last TV sitting at a dumpster

*first day as zookeeper

(letting animals out) “Go, mingle.”

I’m here to express deep thanks to the wet tissue I just found in the wash that helpfully crushed itself into a little ball instead of exploding like glitter over the surface of every wet garment

Baby monitors are pointless because most babies simply stop doing illegal shit as soon as they realize you’ve got their room bugged.

My wife is scrolling through Netflix to see what shows I watched between now and when she asked me to vacuum. Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit.

[Last day of school for the year]

Kids: Yay!

Parents: [checking to see when first day of school is]