Everyone’s a gangster until they turn a spoon the wrong way under running water.
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When I go to alcoholics anonymous my fitbit registers 12 steps.
I tried to walk like an Egyptian and now I need to see a Cairo practor.
So, it turns out “hey, check out this rash” isn’t a great pick-up line.
*covers kids eyes*
“Hey Billy, guess who?”
“Dad!”
“Nope”
“I knw its u dad. I know ur voice”
“Its not ur dad”
“Stop jking”
“Ur adopted”
If you take your antidepressant prescription to the pharmacy in your wedding gown while sobbing incoherently, they will fill it instantly.
A tall guy in movie theater just sat in front of me and he’s on a date so he’s going to have good posture the whole time this sucks
Sister: And you definitely know how to do this sawing trick?
Me: Yes of course I…oh no
Half sister: what
It’s only a restroom if you fall asleep in the stall.
[David Attenborough watching me when I overslept and have 5 minutes to get ready for work]
Extraordinary.
In lieu of burial, Mr. Peanut will be dry roasted and his remains will be scattered on the floor of a Texas Roadhouse.
*gets arrested
*mug shot posted
*waits for modeling contract
I take it personally when I let a car cut in front of me and then they immediately get into another lane. Come back you are with me now.
“I had the worst Cruise ever.” – Katie Holmes
I hated Sex Ed at school. Or ‘Sexy Edward’, to give him his full name.
yes lassie?
“bark”
Timmy’s in the well and you pissed in my slippers and you told me about Timmy first so I wouldn’t get mad
“bark”
smart
I’ve been hearing noises in the house for a while now and while Twitter was down last night I discovered I have a wife!
Had a dream that someone was gently rubbing my forehead with sandpaper. Woke up to find my cat gently rubbing my forehead with sandpaper.
How come cats make the only sexy Halloween costumes? What’s wrong with a sexy llama or a sexy sloth or something?
I just saw a skunk and a possum walking through my backyard and i of course assume they’re off on some kind of adventure
Hubby installed a secondary rain drop shower head so now we have 2 modes.
1) Acupuncturist
2) Drowning
Hairstylist: So…whatcha thinkin?
Me: This…(shows pic of supermodel)
Hairstylist: Aww… bless your heart
I just yelled “WAKE UP,” to which my 4 year old responded “WHYDONTYOUPUTONALITTLEMAKEUP,” so no one question my parenting ever again.
Eleanor Rigby: Yep so I’m a church janitor
The Beatles: So you must be lonely as shit. Like that’s so sad. Man that sucks so much, for you.
Eleanor Rigby: No actually, idk where you-
The Beatles: I’m going to write a song about this
“YoU’Re nOt gOiNg tO gEt a jOb WiTh tHoSe tAtToOs”
First of all, bold of you to assume I’m employable without my tattoos
government: let’s reopen stuff.
public: ummmm…
guy who sells death certificate printers: let’s hear him out…
Kinda bullshit that there wasn’t a giant, aggressive shrimp character in Finding Nemo named Genghis Prawn.
That chalk outline really brings out your dead eyes
Everyone who works in customer service should legally be allowed to fight one customer a year.
I hate when people ask me HOW I am doing as if I KNOW THE ANSWER?!
Broke a plate. Now it’s Canadian.
