Everyone’s a gangster until they turn a spoon the wrong way under running water.
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me: ted is coming over tonight
wife: i always feel ostricized when ted is over
me: hun, *i take her hand* you are nothing like a giant bird
My son recovered from his illness while I was filling out all the paperwork in the waiting room.
Phone: face not recognized
Me: *starts crying*
Phone: Ahh there it is
Your chances of being hunted by a turkey are low, but never zero.
[Interview]
“Do you have any previous experience dealing with animals?”
[flashback to my flatmate leaving toast crumbs in the butter]
..Yes.
[couples therapy]
HER: He’s always talking down to me
ME: *heavy sigh* It’s called being condescending but I doubt you knew that, Karen
Real women don’t wish their enemies would die, just that they’ll get fat.
Sure, most of my cousins are doctors and lawyers and professors with nice houses and adorable kids but I’m the only one who can digest milk
Parents: Don’t put glass near your eyes.
Inventor of eyeglasses: Okay, I tried it and I’m sorry, but you’re not gonna believe this…
My special skill is making detailed shopping lists and leaving them at home when I go to the store.
I really upset my wife last week but she seems to have forgotten all about it. In fact she’s forgotten a few things since then, like my deadly nut allergy and the whereabouts of my epipen.
I nearly choked on a hard boiled egg and I know in my heart a cinnamon bun would never treat me this way
It’s not a walk of shame if you leave on a pogo stick.
Can Happiness buy money?
The guy at work who giggles every time the clock hits 4:20 can’t figure out why he keeps getting “randomly” drug tested.
Sorry I haven’t tweeted in a couple of days. My kid followed me from room to room making really obnoxious whale noises and I feel like I’ve gotten a taste of my own medicine
Her: I’m into gymnastics.
Me: Me too.
Her: What kind?
Me: Parallel bars.
Her: Wow!
Me: Yup. I drink at this bar & the one across the street.
Don’t frighten the programmers!
[foreplay]
her: [seductively] whisper something sexy in my ear
me: [leans in] pizza
a bathrobe is being naked with plausible deniability and pockets.
Me going back to a library branch I used to work at to pick something up
Annoys me when I’m typing my reply and someone starts typing like you see those 3 bubbles and I’m just like no excuse me wait your turn thanks
Always wrinkle-check your t-shirts
Me: If you pay a mime enough, they’ll talk
The other mimes at the protest: [visibly furious]
Fridge smart enough to tell me l left the door open but too lаzy to just close it for me. Worthless.
These apps are getting out of control.
There I was, laying on a slab of rock in an ancient temple about to be sacrificed by a cult and they have the audacity to ask me to download their app and rate their sacrifice experience.
A Jenga tower with French Toast sticks and every time you pull one out you eat it and if you knock the whole thing over you eat it.
Going to a wedding really reminds me of the important things in life. Like cake.
Yelled at some skinhead today & he was all like “chemotherapy, dude” & I was like, “whatever, racist” cause sometimes you gotta take a stand