Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

British people be like “I’m Bri ish” cause they drank the “T”😭

I bought iliteracy for dummies but I couldn’t make any sense of it

Princess Peach has been kidnapped so often, I’m beginning to think she might be Liam Neeson’s daughter.

WHAT DO WE WANT?
A REALLY FAST CAR TO DRIVE PAST!
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
NNNEYOWWWWWwwwww…

Tip from my mom:

Always wear your bathrobe when at home.

Then if somebody stops by unexpectedly you’re “just about to hop in the shower”.

there was actually a 13th apostle, but not a lot of people know about him, because he was looking for a fork he’d dropped under the table right as leonardo painted that picture

grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings

Cow Teacher:
Did you regurgitate enough for the rest of the class?

Heifer *chewing cud*
No

Teacher: Swallow it again then please

My biggest accomplishment this week was my AirPods surviving a trip through the washing machine. And I don’t know whether to try harder or buy a lottery ticket.

Yeah I lift. How many reps will it take to get to the bottom of this bag of chips? Let’s find out

I would give up shouting at trees for you.

At my local supermarket, a clerk told me that their fresh shipment of toilet paper sold out in 15 minutes. People preparing for the shitpocalypse.

Four polite Canadians arrive at a four way stop sign simultaneously.

…The end.

Gloria Gaynor: Go on now, go! Walk out the door! Just turn around now because you’re not welcome anymore

Hotel California manager: Gloria, a word

I have 8 pens in my bag, cause you never know when an octopus will mosey along and need to sign things.

Guy knocking on bathroom door after sex:
I think I love you.

Me stringing tampons together, making a rope to climb out the window:
Okay….

life lately

DEFENSE: Your Honor, will you allow my client to escape?
JUDGE: I’ll allow it
PROSECUTOR: Aw WTF
JUDGE: Let’s see where he goes with this

Yea girl, he’s your soulmate. And her soulmate, and her soulmate, and….ya know.

Why is there never a child around when you need help opening a bottle of Tablets with a child proof lock?

*splashes water on my face*
*looks up, squinting into the mirror in front of me*
My socks are now soaked. They don’t mention that in the
Neutrogena commercials.

Did a great workout at home this morning by running 25 times up and down 15 flights of stairs to make sure the iron was unplugged.

Instead of chasing after Taylor Swift, I’m just going to wait until she breaks up with everyone else so I’m all that’s left.

I always go the extra mile,
which is why my friends don’t let me drive

Her (is a hockey player): I scored two goals in the first, and one in the third!

Me: Nothing in the second?

Her: No, I skipped a period.

Me:

Her:

Boy are you an automatic faucet? Just a slight hand movement and you’re spraying all over me.

[spider walking into first spin class] What’s the deal with the bikes?

Sitting here at Starbucks, everyone looking at their phones and only one person’s noticed mine’s a calculator.

“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”