Everyone’s all up in arms about how undemocratic the electoral college is and yet we let our weather be decided by A SINGLE UNELECTED GROUNDHOG??!!?!?
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I left her for one minute to use the bathroom. One minute.
If coronavirus isn’t about beer then why do they keep talking about cases of it
in the office ordering extra garlic sauce with my lunch schwarma much like a skunk deterring predators
[drunk, yelling at a can of baked beans] ALEXA PLAY BENNIE AND THE JETS
Maybe everyone can just pee outside from now on so I never have to clean the toilets again, kthanks.
There’s 2 types of people in this world, the people who proofread their Tweets, and the rest of us.
Well, well, well, if it isn’t the feelings I’ve been trying to avoid.
me: jesus, all i have in the cupboard is two tins of tuna fish, an expired box of jello, and egg noodles
1950’s cookbook author’s ghost, calling from hell: well well well, not so high and mighty now, are we?
*working in hospital with med student*
me: ok so this patient is here today with a lot of crystals
med student: oooh u mean like those healing crystals
me: no the crystals are in their urine
med student: oooh so like harming crystals
me: correct
I’ve just had to reset my password to Delicate Luggage Handler as I was told it had to be case sensitive.
To hairstylist: [makes series of incomprehensible gestures around my head shape] so exactly that or I’ll cry
Them: What’d you scrape your chin on?
Me: A chiseled jawline with a 5-o’clock shadow.
Q: If you could be any animal, which one would you be?
A: The drummer from the Muppets, next question.
The last Saturday in April is Save the Frogs Day which reminds me of a story…
One time at a restaurant I asked the waiter: Do you have frog legs?
Waiter: No? I always walk this way!
When I practise my stand-up in front of the mirror I have to remember to pause after each joke and imagine the laughter. It’s good practice for when I’m performing in front of an audience and I have to pause after each joke and imagine the laughter
I no longer need Google.
I have a 22 year old in college.
You call it Witness Protection, I call it Hide and Seek.
[deparment store]
Employee: ma’am, i’m sorry but we only allow service animals inside
Me: this is my service dog *gestures to snake wearing a labrador retriever costume*
Snake: woofssssss
Christmas can be really hard for single people. Everyone else is having a brilliant time and we have to hide the fact that every day is like that for us.
I won $6 on a scratch-off last night. Out of my way, peasants!
Dear makers of women’s clothing, Pants pockets should be like poetry: DEEP ENOUGH TO BE MEANINGFUL.
TRUMP: I’m gonna lose, huh?
RYAN: Yes.
[silence]
TRUMP: Thank God.
RYAN: I know
TRUMP: I’d be SO bad at it
RYAN: We literally all might die
those guys holding fish in their dating profile pictures are just demonstrating how they’ll carry you over the threshold after marriage.
Nurse: strip down to your underpants
Me: ok *removes pants to reveal second pair of pants*
Twitter’s fun because everyone’s really cynical and snide about everything except *checks hand* … wrestling? that can’t be right
airports are so funny. like “oh you’re flying across the country? would you like to hang out in a mall first”
Wife: People are coming over tomorrow
Me: We should clean today
Wife: And keep the house clean for 24 hours?
Me: We should clean tomorrow
My boyfriend said we can’t hang out this weekend because he doesn’t exist.
I’ve thought about this Onion headline nearly every day for 20 years
I meant to type : You’re dear to me.
I actually typed : You’re dead to me.
Losing friends is easy.