Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

12: What’s in cocktail sauce?

Me: It’s basically horseradish and ketchup mixed together. It’s good, try it.

12: *makes face* You lost me at horse.

What am I supposed to do with all this laundry? And before you answer, I already tried staring out the window and crying for 9 hours.

How about a scale that will sense when you’re about to eat something you shouldn’t and then yells at you from the bathroom.

Murder of crows on trial according to the probable caws statement.

Research shows vacuum cleaners can cause hearing loss.

“You should absolutely get rid of that monster,” said one furry, panting scientist.

As I stood there looking at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself …………I’m gonna get thrown out of ikea in a minute..

normalize being naked at the laundromat so u can wash ALL ur clothes

Take the pressure off when folding fitted sheets by not folding the normal ones that well either.

Calories don’t count if they’re connected to a celebration. Everyone knows this.

You don’t know terror until your kids drive and you’re paying their car insurance.

As it turns out, “harder” is a horrible safe word.

The Apple Watch may become so addictive it keeps people from looking at what’s truly important in life, like their iPhones.

Jesus, I didn’t mean my cheese wheel when I said you take the wheel.

[on a first date]

Her: I don’t like guns

Me: *casually unrolls my t-shirt sleeves*

DOG: Then he said “Who’s a good boy?”
DOG THERAPIST: *nodding* You are of course
DOG: *wagging tail* I KNOW BUT WHY DOES HE KEEP ASKING?

I watched The First Omen last night and I spent most of it hiding behind the sofa. I didn’t want my neighbour to see me in her living room.

I’m starting to think the guy offering to check for lumps inside his van was not as legit as his cardboard certificate claimed.

Me: I need to sleep

Ambien: do worms have buttholes? You should text your boss

Sure, sex is great, but have you ever shoved a bunch of pots and pans in the cabinet and shut the door real quick for the next person to deal with?

From now on, I’m referring to my ex girlfriends as “yesterbae’s.”

Just a friendly reminder!

If I had a dollar for every time I messed something up at work, I’d be salaried and at my current level of compensation

Just between you and me – when I said I worked well both as an individual and as part of a team on that job application, the latter part was complete horseshit.

The kitchen trash will be overflowing and my kids will keep stacking garbage on top like they’re playing Jenga.

My cat is walking a very fine line between being cute & being sold to the Korean restaurant down the street.

Can’t tell if they’re hitting on me here?

“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus

It’s pretty wild how we used to lick each other to say hello

I bought some Velcro shoes so that nobody can make fun of my velcro wallet anymore because now they will match