Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

80’s rap was like being in 5th grade and trying to find words that rhymed with “hat.”

Writing “Omg you guys are still friends after what she said about you???” on every group photo of girls I see on Instagram

If your wife asks “Why are you like that?” It’s a compliment, right?

“If I eat my arm, I can’t technically gain any weight” – my thought process after only 5 days of dieting.

I’m doomed.

My toddler woke me up last night to tell me it wasn’t morning yet, which to be honest is the same level of hard hitting journalism cable news provides.

Please go back into your caves. I was wrong about it being safe to come out.

*couple walking through the house they just bought*

Husband: Hey, honey, there’s an attic!

Wife: Really?

H: *peering into attic with a flashlight* There’s dust everywhere, except on that creepy Victorian doll staring at me.

*later*

Friend: Is there an attic?

Husband: No.

There is a football player named Drew Sample?

He missed his true calling of phlebotomy.

9:30am meeting for my new job tomorrow and I really can’t believe people start work at the break of dawn like this.

*Speeding*

Cop: Know why I pulled you over?

Me: My singing?

Cop:

Me: My smile?

Cop:

*From the back of cop car*: My dance moves?

[job interview]
interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
me: that’s a trick question there is no c in any of those words

police: DROP YOUR WEAPON

me: places my self-deprecating humor gently on the ground

I want to win a contest where you get a line in a movie. And I want that line to be about the chili dog I’m eating. And I’m going to keep screwing up that line. And they’re going to have to keep bringing me chili dogs.

Oh your baby’s name is Walter?

Is he close to retirement?

In an effort to keep the employees motivated and increase morale, my boss has asked me to stop talking to everyone.

Prevent future fights among your children by not owning any nice things.

the average person eats three spiders a year, but as you’re about to find out, it takes an entire year for three spiders to eat a person

Beauty & the Beast 2 is just 90 minutes of Belle and the prince shopping for new furniture after it all turned back into people.

me; I bought a gun because of my bird phobia

therapist: you might be getting carried away

me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight

cigarettes make you look cool but they take years off your life. two good reasons to smoke

John: Yesterday…

Paul: All my troubles seemed so far away

George: But now it looks…

Ringo: Waterslides hurt if they aren’t wet enough

This is how techno is made if you didn’t already know

The cool thing about fall is that you completely forget your windows are open when you start losing your shit.

Like, “Hey everyone. Please enjoy the sweet sound of dysfunction radiating from our humble abode.”

I’m helping the sharks celebrate their big week by throwing cats into the ocean.

People used to have to hunt for food now its like omg two people are in line ahead of me at Starbucks.

i hope jessica biel names her first child ‘batmo”

I tried a non-alcoholic beer last night and I think I have discovered what my favorite ingredient in beer is.

this is why you should always wash behind your ears

*in bed*
Him: what’s your fantasy, baby?
Me: Scrooge McDuck but skittles instead of gold
Him: No, like sexual
Me: Scrooge McDuck but skittl-

what is cheese if not milk persevering