everyone’s allowed one idiotic business idea, and this is mine: a high-end restaurant for chewing gum. we manufacture many of our own gums in-house, but we also offer rare and vintage varieties. you want gatorgum, the gatorade gum from 1992? it’s part of tonight’s $155 prix fixe
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one time I saw a doc RUNNING in the hospital and I was like omg what’s the emergency and they were like DIARRHEA and I was like omg who and they were like ME
At my age getting up early just means that I had to go pee and I couldn’t hold it anymore.
“You know what pal, lay your own damn eggs” – jerk chicken
[bday party]
Mum: happy birthday son
Me: wow that’s a huge cake!
Mum: its full of bees
Me: what
Mum [backing away]: I said it’s cream cheese
My son mowed the lawn so if you need me I’ll be outside re-mowing the lawn.
Husband and I just heard a noise. Neither of us feels like investigating so we just said See ya on the other side.
damn he’s good
[hospital]
Looks like ur Vine went viral.
“Yay!”
Sorry ur VEIN went viral…you have a fatal blood disease.
“So wait–my Vine didn’t go viral?”
me: the heart wants what the heart wants
heart: please stop drin-
me: whiskey it is
Stop telling people to cut toxic relationships out of their lives! I’m starting to run out of friends you guys.
It was so cold UN weapons inspectors suddenly decided that chemical weapons might be hidden in Hawaii
My mom just asked me if the yams are organic like she didn’t raise me on penicillin steroid cow meat and food coloring
My husband Scott and I don’t have much of a sex life anymore. I’ve been getting off Scott free for years
Me: kill me now!
Murderer, from behind curtain: i was going to surprise you
i told my roommate i was going on a date tonight, and he goes “let me see what you’re working with” so i did a pose 💅🏽
and he says “not you, the guy” 😭😭
Before you have kids, ask yourself: how patient am I with really stupid people?
“Snowmageddon”? We can do better, Twitter.
#SnowCountryForOldMen
#ISnowWhatYouDidLastWinter
#SnowMommaFromTheTrain
#Snowverfield
Why the hell would I use turn signals? I know where we’re going.
A group of crows is called a murder.
A group of people walking slowly in front of me at a store, is called motive.
#notsorry
Irony is how Jesus is too Liberal for most of his own Fan Clubs
I was tired of my kids asking me to put the same 7 songs on for them 9,000 times a day, so I taught them how to do it themselves.
I am not a smart woman.
Him: That’s a bitter pill to swallow
Her: Well, you did just eat a dishwasher tablet
Why is it that when other women wear a chain over a turtleneck it looks impossibly chic but when I do it I look like that 1994 photo of The Rock
When the atm charges you 3.50 to take out your own money but tells you to cover your pin so you don’t get robbed
I’ve done all the cleaning and ironing but I’ve forgot why I broke into this house in the first place.
The fact that they call it the Food Pyramid and not Food Triangle implies it has at least two other sides. So maybe this much taffy is OK
He is on that bird call website a lot.
– My Mom describing me on twitter to older relatives at get-togethers.
I just declined a mandatory work meeting invite. I am drunk with power.
‘Us Weekly’ Wins Pulitzer For Outstanding Achievement In Photoshopping A Rip Between Divorced Celebrity Couple
Add mushrooms to any salad for that farm fresh taste of dirt.