Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Professor X: So what’s your power?

Me: I can heal immediately-

X: Oh, we already have someone that can do that.

Me: -from any emotional wounds.

X: That’s dumb. You can’t join the team.

Me: I’m completely ok with that.

Adult black cat: looks like a pool of shadow, sleek, elegant, mysterious, walks in beauty like the night

Black kitten: looks like a sockful of soot halfway through exploding and is really confused and mad about it

Don’t ask questions you don’t want the answers to like asking your toddler what’s in his pocket

“Don’t shoot your gun at the hurricane” the government says. I’ll do my own research thanks

me: dating is hard

me on a date: convicted rainbows go to prisms but it’s usually a light sentence

I don’t really like the paper towel holder setup here.

Time for a new house.

Reasons trains are delayed/cancelled in Britain:

– Wrong kind of sun
– Ominous cloud
– Slightly damp leaf
– Chilly track
– Suspicious gravel
– Doubtful platform
– Cynical breeze
– Wobbly signal
– Inclement vibe
– Sarcastic swan

“That’ll be $147,382.” – The cab driver after taking Will Smith from Philadelphia to Bel Air.

quick somebody give me a grocery to buy. I absolutely cannot walk out of this store with just cucumbers and coconut oil.

Home Depot law decrees that if two dads are pushing carts down the same isle, the dad with the greater mustache has the right of way.

Alien: did you just call me daddy

Me: I don’t get probed much

Aw! She reminds me of me when I was in college!

oh yeah… you like music? name three instruments

She says she only drinks wine to collect corks for her Pinterest project, which is pretty cool cause it looks like she’s building a castle.

I wonder if black ants and red ants have beef. I never see them chilling together. Ever.

Daughter: Before the internet how’d you get anything done?!

Me: I don’t remember honey. Google it.

*whistles at dog*
DOG: I have a boyfriend

Why’d they call it “The Empire Strikes Back” and not “Cool Hand, Luke”?

Other parents don’t want to be friends with us once they find out our child folds his own laundry and doesn’t need braces.

We have moved and we are trying this thing of living with minimal furniture. So if you need me I am leaning against the bathtub so that I can put on some pants furniturelessly.

MAGICIAN: think of a card!
ME: ok.
MAGICIAN: is… this ur card?
[holds up card that says “UGH I HATE MAGIC SHOWS THIS IS CRAP”]
ME: holy crap

Van lifers be like “we converted our minivan into a mobile home for our family of 12 with 7 pets!”

I didn’t see a single avenger die when Obama was president

wife: What would you do if one of the boys told you he was gay?
me [trying to find the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote

Sang to the radio on the way home today.

Got every word wrong.

See you guys when I get out of prison.

My husband just complained that he’s the only one that ever does anything around the house.

so imagine going to the store.. buying rolls of plastic.. tape.. etc.. and after the cashier is done.. “anything else?” and say “oh sorry.. forgot this” and pull out dexter.. the complete series out of the cart…. when they ask how you’re paying “uhhh we’re going with cash”

i made my dad a beetloaf and he tried to run me over with his van

“What a brave fashion choice!” is the ninja of insults.