Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You’re never too old to ride inside of a shopping cart…

No matter what the store manager says.

Oh, to be a rat with a pancake

Jim: What shall we name our new playground invention?
Roy: Idk. The playground business sure is a Jungle, Jim.
Jim: …Say that again.

Feel. He’s so soft.

Me: Dammit I’m not gonna let you die on my watch

Her: *chokes* It’s too late

Me: *leans in close* Get off my watch. It’s a Rolex.

I thought I liked salads…turns out, I like croutons and ranch dressing.

Me: alright early to bed
Brain: nice
Me: need a good night sleep
Brain: rest is important
Me: don’t go saying shit to keep me awake all night
Brain: I won’t
Me: …
Brain: …
Me: …
Brain: …
Me: you still awake?
Brain: my guy if you’re awake I’m awake we been thru this

Having one bathroom in your house teaches you that it is possible to hate a person because of a bathroom.

[date shouting over music on the dance floor]:

WHY ARE YOU HOLDING TWO CORN DOGS?

Me: BECAUSE I NEVER KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH MY HANDS!

I’ve never applied makeup while driving, but I have eaten an entire rotisserie chicken.

6yo (to her crying brother): “It’s okay to be sad, sometimes we need to let our feelings out, just let yourself be sad.”
Me: “Oh darling, that’s so lovely, well done. Why is he crying?”
6yo: “I hit him.”

#mumlife

Not to brag but I just filled up the gas tank and doubled the value of my car

*At the local breakfast restaurant

Server: And how would you like your eggs, sir?

Me: Reese’s

Sorry for nicking your car w/my door, but you didn’t leave much room. It’s small, but I circled it with my key so you could find it.

My 8yo told me she wants me to live forever which was sweet until I told her I’d run out of money and she replied “ok nevermind”.

Therapist: Would you date yourself?

Me: No, I deserve better…

Advice for life:
1. Be kind.
2. Be brave.
3. Make sure your garage door is all the way up before backing out.

Why did they call them fad diets and not newtrition.

Asked my gf to buy me a 2-pack of socks and she came back with these wtf

Me: *accidentally types url wrong one time*

Navigation Bar: [every day for 15 years] Do you wanna go to Faceboot today? Huh? You wanna visit a boot with a face on it? Huh, you piece of shit? Is that what you wanna do? Moron.

“Hello what’s your emergency?”

Me: Our carpet has got this stain on it and….damn they’ve hung up

Gf: WTF did you even tell them I’ve been stabbed?!!

Me: Amy, I think I know how to tell a good anecdote

An 80’s style montage of me and a dog learning to use chopsticks, and the dog progressing marginally faster

When a guy looks at me, when he’s with a girl, half of me thinks douchebag! Other half hears don’t cha by pussycat dolls playing in my head.

REALTOR: This community has a great neighborhood watch

WIFE: [sees me suddenly excited] Don’t you dare

ME: WHO DECIDES WHO GETS TO WEAR IT

Joining Twitter instead of the circus was a pretty good move considering I’m a freak but not that talented

Today is the perfect day to hide Easter eggs. They’ll never expect it.

Pretty much! 😂👀

My birthstone is kidney

sure sex is great but have you ever waved goodbye to houseguests

I was fired from my job at the sperm bank for saying “get a load of this guy” every time someone walked in