Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

okay, whoever wished for avocado to become “the poor man’s butter” again, put down the monkey paw

Bread: For when you want to wrap your food with other food, then eat it.

Coffee so hot you pretend not to notice it when you’re out with your wife.

Whoever keeps replacing soccer balls with cats is my personal hero

Make new friends by waking up strangers with forehead kisses after they’ve fallen asleep on the train.

I’m 99% sure the plane Harrison Ford was in is from the Amelia Earhart exhibit at the Smithsonian.

Whenever I see someone trying to parallel park I avert my eyes and continue walking giving them the privacy they need because I’m a decent human being

I’m at the age where drinking a cup of coffee now makes me feel like Popeye scarfing down a can of spinach.

Before I die, I’m putting fake treasure maps behind all my picture frames.
My grand children will be so pwned.

The struggle between wanting a hot body or a hot fudge sundae is real.

Rented a Bowflex machine because it was the path of leased resistance.

Me: How was school today?
Child: Awful.
Me: Why?
Child: You can’t have a good day at school.
Me: What? Why not?
Child: Hey dad, how was work today?
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.

Thanks for the 27 hashtags describing your pic otherwise I would have never known it’s a hamburger

Me: did you find the problem?

Plumber: toilet goblin.

Me: a what?

Plumber: *welding the seat lid closed* toilet. goblin.

Just saw Stuart Little hit a kid and keep driving

worm: *tells a joke*
early bird: lol

Me: Male Peacocks can’t fly because their tail is too heavy.
Beauty has its cost.

Husband: I still don’t understand why your eyeliner costs 45 dollars.

when bread gets all hard we throw it away but when it’s toast we’re like yay breakfast

ME: Hi, I’ve got my hearing test today

LAWYER: I keep telling you it’s not a test

I walked into a bakery and asked the lady at the register if I could buy a bagel with cream cheese.

“Sorry,” she said. “We only accept cash.”

Them: Do you know what your problem is?

Me: Yes.

Me: I’m sort of a chicken magnet

Him: Don’t you mean chick magn-

*sounds of distant bawk-bawking*

Me: We have to go NOW

I finally understand what the cat wants when he wakes me up at 4 am

I never let people borrow my shoes, because if they walk a mile in them they’ll know how much I exaggerate my problems.

I befriended a ghost who keeps wheezing all the time.

I named him Gasper.

Hate flying? Try American Airlines. They do too.

A guy hands me a lit doobie at a party. I panic and pretend to play it like a tiny trumpet.

Doctor (listening to my heart): You really should stop smoking

Me: I will one day

Doctor: No…like now. You can’t smoke in here

Was helping my daughter with an art project and got so mad because nothing would stick together. Well, funny story, as it turns out no matter how much Chapstick you rub on that paper it’s just never gonna work.