Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[sams club]

ME: {wearing ski mask} This is a robbery!

LADY AT FRONT DOOR: Do you have your membership card?

ME: Uhh, I left it at home.

LADY: I’m sorry sir I can’t let you in.

ME: Please! I’ll be quick.

Roses are flowers, violets are flowers, I’d love you more if you had super powers.

“Alexa, take down the Christmas decorations.”

I hate when you let your hostages outside to play on the trampoline, and then they just sit there and don’t even jump or have fun.

I love sleeping in fishnets. Makes you feel like a big honey roast ham.

Him: dude I love clubs, they’re great for picking up chicks

Me *nodding thoughtfully* girls love sandwiches

I am convinced Americans are required by law to watch football. Ain’t no way this many people watch it all day long by choice

Monday: *exist*

Garfield, my lawyer: *presents lasagna-stained Cease and Desist order*

Me: [starts singing quietly to myself while doing dishes]

My 5-year-old, who regularly screams for no reason: Stop that

When, in the future, someone says “remember when we did that thing and had the most amazing time?” and you struggle to remember what year it happened…

One thing you can be sure of is that it didn’t happen in 2020

When someone tailgates me I let them know I’m angry and watching them, by putting the rear wipers on full speed

My cousin thinks the phrase is sperm of the moment. Someday, I may correct her.

I’m a bit concerned about my delivery driver

After watching a movie you can find interviews, commentaries, trivia. When you finish a book there’s one thread from 2014 asking if the author has apologized for their inaccurate portrayal of arthritis.

When I see a driver go straight in a turn only lane

Unsolicited sandwich pics.

I’ve been single for so long I can’t even spell relionchip now

Jokes on you hot chick at the bar who gave me a radio station’s phone number I just won Harlem Globetrotter tickets and a Bud Light poncho.

Ever notice that women say “scare you to death” while men say “scare the pants off you”?

Well played men, well played…

Doctor: Can you stick to a clear liquid diet for a few days?

Me: Sure! Vodka is a clear liquid.

you’ve never seen climate change and peppa pig in the same room have you.

When people show me pictures of their kids I show them pictures of my exes. If I have to look at their mistakes, they have to look at mine.

Give a man a fish and he’ll see if there are microwave instructions on the side.

new shirt idea

Cameraman here. If I’m in the newsroom during a live news broadcast I ring my mates and they get their kids to watch, as I tell them to look at the newsreader’s shoulder, at which point I stand up and magically appear in the background. The kids love it.

Why do all these blurry people keep telling me I’m drunk?

I accidentally said HAIL SANTA instead of HAIL SATAN at satanic church today and now everyone is laughing at me and they took away my robes.

It’s important to get out of the house every once and a while to remind yourself of why you don’t go out

19: ‘Um, is it weird that the milk just backed away when I reached for it?’

Me: ‘It’s fine.’