Everyone’s always like “how did you get past security?”
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no actually it’s called an “african-american” eye, bud. and i got it cause someone beat the crap out of me for being too politically correct
Be the change you want to see in the world!
Me: *goes back to bed
Me: I hate Valentine’s Day
Some Random Guy: I hate it too
Me: 😍😍😍
I’ll tell ya one thing, if I was a feudal lord giving a scoundrel some gold for an evil deed, I’d want the little leather bag back. Like obviously it feels cool to toss a little string-tied bag to a ruffian, you can’t throw loose coins. But my man, I’m gonna need that bag back.
I’ve been dieting for a little over a week and I already gained three pounds.
I keep calling one of my soccer players by the wrong name but in my defense I’ve only been coaching the team for a month and I’m her mother.
Opponent: I wish you luck
Me: Tha—
Opponent: But I also wish to suck the marrow from the bones of your defeated corpse.
Me, picks up ping pong paddle: okey dokey
Alexa, make me look good naked.
My daughter just told me that she’s the boss of me, and when I tried to respectfully disagree she said “don’t you dare talk to your boss like that”
All my money goes to the poor…poor me.
I’m in my 40s and know all the right mauves.
~ Me, flirting
I’d pay a premium to stay in a hotel that dispensed knockout gas when it sensed loud hallway talkers.
My neighbors are organizing something called a “fun run”. This shit never happened when I lived in my car.
I heard girls like guys that are mysterious so I just put a fog machine under my bed
*stirs coffee with knife*
*licks knife*
“Let’s do this”
*wakes kids for school*
I think Mark Zuckerberg could have sold the Metaverse concept about 10000x better by just walking out and saying “why watch Shrek… when you can BE Shrek”
Wearing a rollerblade on one foot and an ice skate on the other so you are prepared for any type of terrain.
Apple has solved laptop theft by making them obsolete by the time thieves get out the door.
Wondering if Cap’n Crunch ever made Admiral. Or did he get stuck in a perpetual loop of sugary bureaucracy?
Sell your car
Lawyers should get walk-up songs in court like how baseball players do
“I want you inside me,” I whispered to the tray of warm brownies.
I’ve never dated two people at the same time, but I have had UPS and Amazon show up on the same day.
Define “toned.”
-Me to the Creators of all Dating Apps
Donkey Kong sommelier
My parents are divorced. I feel fat and all the other girls my age have boyfriends.
Him: Being a teenager is tough.
Me: *sigh* I’m 40.
Me: nice car
Friend: yeah 400 horsepower
Me: that’s like 7000 ducks
Friend: what
Me: what
How does a mule unlock a door?
With a don-key.
#MuleDay #RubbishJokes
I got a new skirt, can you see my underwear? *cartwheel*
No.
How about now? *handstand*
I’m sorry ma’am, you need to leave the library.