Everyone’s always like “how did you get past security?”
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The person next to me on this plane only put their shoes back on after I showed them all the pictures I took of their feet
Him: I’m an animal person
Me: *nervous* So like, a shapeshifter?
My kid wants to make a trap to catch rabbits from our yard for pets. I believe in supportive parenting, so I told her if she can catch them she can keep them, and then I told my husband that if he helps her the rabbits will be the only ones getting frisky
assert dominance by taking too many selfies on someone else’s phone
I believe the children are our future. Teach them well and let them lead the way.
*Naming my child*
WIFE: What’s the girl version of Matt?
ME:… Mattress?
The Katy Perry song that goes, “You’re hot and you’re cold,” was actually about a microwaveable burrito.
I’m trying to like people but boy oh boy do they make it hard.
WIFE: you didn’t use my shampoo again did you?
ME: *shakes my head no but my lustrous hair gives me away*
cute girl: can i have ur number?
me: [sweating nervously] then what number am i gonna use
Pro tip: If you ever lose your wedding ring, just run the vacuum cleaner. You’ll find it.
“Said no one ever.” -Said everyone on Twitter.
Hell hath no fury like a cat reminded there’s food in their bowl.
Parenting teenagers is easy since they already know everything.
I dislike frozen dinners that require me to tear & fold & make sure this side is here or there & build a sacrificial platform to appease an ancient sun god or whatever to heat my food.
Just once I’d like to run into Kanye and refer to him as Kanye Davidson just to see his head explode.
Me: don’t be hitting!
Her, 5: I didn’t hit him!
Him, 9: you threw a block at me!
Her, 5: yeah, but I missed!
Who else looks for the closest parking spot at the gym? I need to save my energy for inside.
Me: I’ll definitely do it tomorrow.
Morgan Freeman: He wouldn’t.
Me: *chasing Morgan out of my house with broom* Why are you here again?
My uncle has two dobermans named rolex and timex.
They’re his watch dogs.
I always thought that saying, ‘the more, the merrier’ was referring to alcohol, not people.
Now it doesn’t make any sense at all.
I wanted to join a street gang when I was a teenager but I failed the dancing audition.
Bit chilly again tonight.
I’m gonna start cursing people out but with biblical phrases like I hope your crops wither and bear no fruit and the ravens eat your mustard seeds
Whenever I see a new couple on a date I walk up to their table, hold up my phone and tell the guy “You’re Wife Sarah says hello”.
woman in car on news: “I’ve used up loads of petrol driving around trying to buy petrol” hm okay
Muffled whimpers, moaning, panting…
…it’s just me, taking the stairs
I could probably be lured into a white van with no windows with guacamole.
…or queso.
…or salsa.
…or dill pickles.
…or Jeff Goldblum.
…or, hell, any kind of cheese at all.
I ain’t picky.
Cop: Do you understand your rights?
NASCAR driver: My what
[invention of croutons]
Let me put a few bread rocks on top of your salad. Trust me, people in neighboring cities will hear you eating this.