I get worried when someone posts a kitten pic with a foreign language, I don’t know if they’re showing a cute kitty pet or their dinner.
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You can’t screech away angrily from the curb in a Prius.
me: [trying to sound cool] I’m in a punk band
cute co-worker: that’s cool. What the band’s name?
me: [looking over desk for ideas] Inbox(29)
damn he’s good
My 5 year old said he’s not going to say a word until the bread pops up from the toaster so I unplugged it.
has anyone told parents they can show affection without posting the ugliest picture of you in existence
Knowing when to keep opinions to yourself is a skill…
That I do not possess, apparently.
[Applebee’s, 49 BC]
waiter: what would you like, sir
Caesar: gimme that salad named after someone famous *wink, wink*
waiter: *hands him a Cobb salad*
If someone says “long story short” two or more times in a conversation, punching them in the throat is acceptable.
the gender neutral urge to point out a cow while on a road trip
Finding a guy to marry who is rich enough to pay off my debt, but not so rich he wants a prenup is, like, so much harder than I anticipated.
I tried that whole “if you love something, set it free” thing but my kids are still here.
Day drinking poolside. There’s literally nothing that could ruin this moment.
“MOMMY WATCH THIS!”
I received a call from a charity asking me to donate clothes for starving people. Anyone who can fit into my clothes isn’t starving!
Comedians should be funny (agree with my politics) instead of being political (not agreeing with my politics)
Women’s day is just a made up holiday to get us to buy more women
Some think kids are selfish, but when 8 sees I’m carrying too much stuff at once, he comes over and gives me a lengthy explanation as to why Black Panther could beat Spider-Man.
Not to brag, but I parallel parked without hitting anything, taking 15 mins, or winding up on the sidewalk. No cars were around, but still.
Daylight Saving Time is a scam. It was originally pushed through Congress by Big Candle.
Tape a terrible drawing of a refrigerator onto your child.
No one is born racist. Racism is taught. By other races.
*undercover cop knocks* Hi fill out this survey to win a free IPad!
1. name
2. address
3. email
4. where are drugs
*mustache falls off*
When we were kids our “get home” text was a streetlight.
Who says great literature is dead?
Interviewer: It says here you have advanced math skills. How many times have you used them at work?
Me: *holds up fingers* This many.
I may not be a victoria secret model but I do like to wear a somewhat of a matching pyjamma set in case a robber breaks in and decides to critique me on my sleeping attire.
On average people watch 8 Spider-Man movies a year in their sleep
Sometimes you don’t realize how much you say “ooh la la” till they play your 911 call on the local news
“Don’t bite the hand that feeds you” maybe just don’t bite hands. Shouldn’t have to qualify it
Me, as a judge: OK we’ll take a quick recess now.
*lawyers start discussing lawyer things*
*I go outside and swing on the swingset*