Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[at Dr. appointment]

Dr.: yeah looks like you have too much acid in your diet.

Me: JESUS CHRIST DOC YOUR FACE IS MELTING

getting fitted for a wedding suit and i know they’re going to ask me what i want and already i know i’m going to just go blank and say like “pants….. and jacket”

I can’t remember if Moses was DC or Marvel

On a scale of ‘woke up in the gutter’ to ‘CAPS LOCK IS TOO LOUD’..

How hung over are you?

The saddest part of nuking my old account is losing a thread I live tweeted on a flight during which the couple next to me got in a fight over the guy wanting to wear shorts to a wedding. It was the only time I’ve paid for wifi on a plane bc it turned out the wedding was THEIRS.

[at the gym]

Body builder: how much can you curl?

Me: *smugly* I can do a 9 inch ribbon

90% of parenting older kids is making sure they’re not in the same room when they have to do homework.

[job interview]

Did you really think bringing a puppy with you to the interview would help you get the job?

“Yes”

WELL YOU’RE RIGHT.

Love a good morning stretch that turns into an involuntary pterodactyl screech

[America’s Got Talent]

Howie: so how long have you been juggling chainsaws?

Me: actually *lights them on fire* this will be my first time

I tried saving a cat in a tree but the darn thing wouldn’t accept Jesus.

FRIEND: I just found out my kid lost another tooth

ME: Really? Which one?

FRIEND: Katie

ME: Wow, I didn’t know your kid named his teeth

I’m sorry, but pouring some sugar on someone just sounds like a housekeeping nightmare.

[first day working at a duty-free shop]
manager: here’s your list of duties
me: wtf

I have information that will lead to the arrest of Moo Deng

[screaming from the trunk of my kidnapper’s car] Can you turn up the radio I love this song

Sorry I typed “Lucky escape!” instead of “I’m so sorry your wedding has been cancelled.”

is it considered a threesome if i jack off with both hands?

My husband and I are looking for someone to play the harmonica while we have sex, no weirdos please.

I do this really cute thing, where if I walk by a car that has a stick figure family on their back window, I peel a kid off.

Christmas Warning:

Every guy dressed in red that asks you what you want while you sit on his lap, is not Santa.

I accidentally dropped a Tide stick on my Spotify app and now it’s just ify

*throws phone over courthouse metal detector. catches phone on the other side. resumes conversation*

If life’s a video game I’m controlled by grandma

Jesus: Honor my sacrifice by refusing meat on all holy days and each Friday.

John the fisherman: *slides Jesus $20*

Jesus: Also, Fish isn’t meat.

[trapped under avalanche of Tupperware that fell on me from kitchen cabinet]

*updates social media with selfie*

Bring food,

No weirdos.

I have an admission that will shock some people. It’s not something I’m proud of and I hope I’ll be given a little grace, but I’ll understand if not.

Here goes….

My hips have lied. Like…a lot.

[lost at sea]

FRIEND: There’s a ship! Get the flair

ME: [puts on oversized jewellery]

Used dog shears to trim my split ends. This is a beauty account now.

[loses house key, starts a new life]