Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

the ultimate problem with the coyote’s approach is that he gives up on each method after a single failed attempt. some of the greatest achievements take many, many tries to succeed. the acme company makes fine, reliable products. the coyote must learn the virtue of persistence

Mario: YAHOO!! *throws banana peel at another cart, eats a mushroom*

Me: This. This is why I don’t take you grocery shopping.

DIET TIP: You are what you eat. Do you really want to be celery? C’mon. Not even celery wants to be celery.

Laugh, and the world laughs with you…
Keep saying “LOL” out loud, and you’ll die alone.

(For Judy in Accounting)

Had day surgery – came out with about fifteen less followers than when I went in with.
So apparently I’m offensive even when unconscious.

If you’re not supposed to abuse cough syrup then why does it come with a little plastic shot glass?

I ruined our romantic honeymoon to Venice by pronouncing canal wrong the whole time. You know how. You get it. I grow weary of this website

Remember candidates for class president making promises for things they would have no power to implement? Just like real presidential candidates.

Reasons to have a landline phone:

1. To find your cell phone when it’s missing

2. See reason #1

I’m not that toxic
*glows in the dark*

My attachment style is PDF which is why older people don’t know how to get me to open up half the time

The main reason I’ve never committed armed robbery is directly related to how terrible I look on security footage.

Hi, I joined a cult.

*got an air fryer

“Are you ready to apologize to your sister yet?”

me: the good news is I got the job. the bad news is I have to wear a suit

her: that’s not so bad

[next day]
me: *putting on a hotdog outfit* wish me luck

her: I see

Me: What’s the suite number on that address?
8: It just says “Hashtag 301.”
Me: Before hashtags were born, those were called number signs.

Who called it a muzzle and not a hush puppy?

Therapist: Tell me something exciting that happened this week

Me: McDonald’s has a new breakfast sandwich

Therapist:

Me: It has two sausage patties and bacon

Therapist:

Me: Also two slices of cheese, I think

Therapist:

Me: Why do you look so sad

Concussions are like pineapples: what was the question.

[in bed]
BF: Why are you scared?
ME: Cuz your Mom’s here
BF: She’s not bad
*Mom hands me pregnancy test* This better be positive by sunrise

Hell hath no fury like a toddler who wanted his peanut butter and jelly sandwich cut into triangles until you cut it into triangles

I was with my friend when he got pulled over and he said “just be cool” as if after a lifetime of trying I would suddenly figure it out then

Weird…the ChatGPT warnings are the same ones I have on my hinge profile…

I’m starting to think the sharks on “Shark Week” eat people just to get on tv.

[Excavation for dino bones]
DIGGER: Sir, we found something BIG!
DOG PALEONTOLOGIST: *tail wags* Ok go for break [salivating] I’ll finish up

If you dropped a can of Heinz Alphabet Spaghetti off a skyscraper it could spell disaster.

Me: It’s so nice to be wearing a shirt that fits and isn’t stained.

Toothpaste: Hi

me after noticing a slight change in someone’s energy towards me

My son was loudly barking like a dog in the other room and I told my husband to go take care of it and now there’s 2 people loudly barking like dogs.

My husband came home with pizza sauce on his collar and no pizza and now I know what it’s like to be cheated on.