Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[300 consecutive hours sitting at the same table]

waiter: [out of breath] and those are our local craft brews

An apple a day keeps no one away unless you have meticulously good aim.

At what point do we just ask Britney’s dad to do a conservatorship for Kanye?

If I was a ghost, I’d write “Happy Birthday” in blood on your wall for your birthday, cuz you may be cursed, but it’s still your birthday.

Penguins walking in 5x speed

Password security questions be like: What’s your middle name? Why are you single? What’s wrong with your big toe?

*looks at phone to check the time

*watches TikTok videos for 4 hours

Did you know that Mark Zuckerberg and the guy who played the blue Power Ranger are cousins? Just not to each other. But they are cousins.

I miss bars. I miss ordering a nice drink and having multiple people ask me if I’m a model. Then more people ask me if I’m a model. Everyone at the bar would start yelling “are you a model?!”until I’d have to stand on the bar and make a formal announcement that I am NOT a model

I always carry a knife w me in case i run into someone w 10,000 spoons.

McDonalds food takes so long because they have to mold the clay, paint the items and then spray them with real food smell

As a child I had the impression that I would be offered free drugs by strangers much more frequently than the 0 times it’s happened.

Quick! Does anyone know how I can get red wine off of my date’s white cat?!

I dreamt I was turning into a
t-rex. A tiny part of me tried to fight it

Funniest joke I heard today: The reason Zimbabwe isn’t ready for its own currency is they don’t have a dead president to put on the money 😂

her: I’ve packed my bags. I’m leaving you

him: ok but you’re gonna need more than just bags

The odds of being killed by a shark are 1 in 3,748,067. So if you know 3,748,066 people who haven’t been killed by a shark: avoid the ocean.

wife: its ruining date night
me: its ruining date night because you’re letting it ruin date night
hitchhiker: just drop me off on the corner

“Why are you wearing?” – existentialist reporter on the red carpet

Paramedic: What happened?

Me: [lying in pool of blood] I told my girlfriend she was turning into her mother and she stabbed me.

Paramedic: They all turn into their moth– *also gets stabbed*

Good point.

Senior sext: CAN YOU READ ME NOW?

ANDY: I clarified your butter.
ME: Ghee! Thanks!

When you go in the other room I ask your dog what you look like naked.

You’re telling me this man will loan me a shark?

I do the crane stance like in the Karate Kid movie each time I have to flush the toilet in a public restroom.

Him: When was the last time a man held a car door open for you?

“When I was arrested” is not the best answer, apparently

Him: I need to see license, registration and proof of insurance.

Me reaching for purse: again?? Speed dating at a cop convention sucks.

I’d been using my new hand-mirror for over 6 months before I realized it was actually a framed stock photo of a much less handsome man.

So I have one coworker who uses “irregardless” and another who uses “unappropriate” and now I’m over trying to conversate with these people.