Everyone’s an atheist until they’re making a phone call & praying it goes to voicemail
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why does this building look like a guilty dog
Burger King is preparing to introduce a new turkey burger. Pigeons are beginning to disappear.
Her: We can’t drive the car, it’s stuck in the mud… Doesn’t it help if you put something under the back tires?
Me: Are you volunteering?
Sadly, the days of people using proper English are went.
Me *Happily comes home from the hairdresser with fresh highlights and cut.
Bf: So what did they do to it?
DOCTOR: a new study says the meds ur on cause hallucinations
ME: oh
LARGE MENACING CACTUS THAT FOLLOWS ME EVERYWHERE: was it peer reviewed?
Iron: you’re always trying to turn me into something I’m not!
Blacksmith:
Me: I would love to sleep with you
Her: ok I think we’re ready for this
[We lay down and nap because we are not perverts like you]
Fun Date Idea: Find a balloon, forget about the date, you have a balloon now.
I work out just enough so I can still chase the ice cream truck.
Me: *walks into room*
My cat, hanging by two paws, swinging from the lampshade: Hi.
Me: *walks back out of room*
Me: “hey what time do you want to eat dinner?”
Him: “I dunno, I’m not picky. 6:30, 7?”
Me, *to myself* “damn, that’s specific”
Me, into the phone, “Yes, table for two for 6:37.”
absolutely love it when i spend all morning crafting an email so professional and precise it is essentially endorsed by the better business bureau only for dave from accounts payable to reply “ok” in size 45 comic sans
Preacher: CAN I GET AN AMEN?!?
Me: [from back row] MAY you get an amen
I saw the Cheesecake Factory trending and thought it died.
This morning in my local coffee shop.
Customer: “A large mug with four shots of espresso and the rest filled with milk, please.”
Barista: “Are you sure? That’s a latte coffee!”
#EspressoDay #WednesdayThought #RubbishJokes
tossing the phrase “slappery slope” into the discourse like a beach ball and moonwalking away
Thank goodness I have subtitles on, otherwise how would I know there is sinister cackling
Daughter: Why don’t kids at school get my sarcastic humor?
Me: Because they have boring parents, darling.
A bird in the… *BLOCKED*
Birds of … *BLOCKED
The early bird catches the wo…*BLOCKED & REPORTED FOR ABUSIVE CONTENT-worms on Twitter
5-year-old: Dad! Dad! My sister-
Me: Stop tattling. I don’t want to hear about it unless there’s blood.
5:
Me:
5: How much blood?
“Don’t come in here there’s glass,” I say, but it’s too late. They all know the sound of secret peanut M&Ms skittering across the kitchen floor.
My daughter, watching Omicron news: “I think we took a wrong turn in the choose-your-own-adventure.”
He died doing what he loved, my now ex-wife
Close the door.
You’re letting the wifi out.
My husband was just rude to me and I said that I’m going to punish him and he got all excited but like I don’t even know why he’s so excited to do my Calculus homework
Donald Trump always looks like he’s trying to apply lip gloss in a rear view mirror.
Become a parent, so you can be accused of “using up all the internet” when Fortnite glitches for a millisecond.
Explaining Jewish things to non-Jewish people makes you sound like you’re losing your mind. My little brother is getting married soon & had his “aufruf” & I repeated the word six times before being asked by my friend if I was barking at them.