Everyone’s AVI – Sorry. This is the absolute best I can look. I’m actually suspended upside down in this shot and I rented a wind machine.
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why does my dog sprint after he poops like he’s fleeing the scene of a crime
Sometimes I’m really happy I decided to become a parent and other times I’m not calculating my Federal Tax deductions.
Mrs. Cinnamon Toast Crunch is about to eat her family and honestly I get it
[watching Tangled with my Daughter]
Daughter: dada
Me: yes?
Daughter: do you think Rapunzel buys her shampoo at Costco?
Me: I mean-I do now.
I wish I were a British fighter pilot.
Those dudes are Royal AF.
Every time I open my mouth, some idiot starts talking.
No, I wish my water bottle had MORE parts to disassemble and wash. Seven is not enough!
we don’t understand the earliest recorded jokes from ancient mesopotamia because we lack necessary context. what if there’s a guy in 4,000 years like “my theory is they had specially trained shrimp that did all of the rice frying”
Me: hey, I like your tummy
Marsupial: thanks, it has pockets
hey yall i’m subletting my room from 6:15pm-8:57pm tonight while im at the gym, $76 + utilities
*My wife being frustrated by my kids*
Wife: Can you just give me 2 seconds to myself?
8YO: 1, 2. Now can I have snack?
Seems like it would be really tough being a girl named Molly at a rave.
You have been warned.
KENNEDY: lets keep our affair a secret
MARILYN MONROE: ok i’ll sing happy birthday all sexy & weird at ur bday
K: pls dont
MM: *winking* ok
1000s flocked to NJ to see the Virgin Mary in a tree trunk. But, don’t judge them, friends. When was the last time you saw a virgin in NJ?
Trying to drop kids to school on time is a great way to learn to cuss under your breath
[jogging]
brain: let’s talk shall we
me: ok
brain: are we being chased
me: no
brain: are we chasing something
me: no
brain: so wtf are we doing then
heart & lungs: we also have questions
Day 4: I’ve finally completed all my New Year’s resolutions from ’97.
How many times do you have to click “I accept cookies” before they send you the cookies?
Me: You’re kidnapping me? Where’re we going? Can we feed my cats first? Is there a ransom? Cool van. My name-
Him: Changed my mind. Get out.
Employment is basically an arranged marriage with your coworkers.
I don’t wanna last longer in bed, I got post coital jokes.
kid that threw a ball into my yard: hey give it back
me: *hugging his dog* no
do not bother me while I am eating my tacos and drinking my oversized margarita or I will become feral and add you to my taco meats
“Don’t you have this book anywhere?”
“Not here, no.”
“Is it in the back?”
“I’m afraid not.”
“Is it in the basement?”
“No.”
“Aren’t you going to go down and check?”
“Well, that would take a while.”
“How long would it take?”
“I mean first we’d have to install a basement.”
Pro Tip: If your neighborhood is under a CodeRED shelter-in-place advisory for an armed suspect, don’t expect DoorDash to deliver your food.
Seeing Keira Knightley outside of a period piece is like running into a teacher outside of school.
I said ‘wake me up with just your mouth’ and she’s not stopped yelling until after I jumped out of the bed.
The coolest feature of being over age 40 is now when I get a pimple it only takes 14 months to go away.
The best things in life are free. Unless it’s herpes. Stay away from people who want to give you free herpes.