Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[in hell]

me: *sad* why am I here?

satan: you’re a murderer

me: what? no I’m not

satan: oh no? *rolls footage of my 3rd grade dance recital* you absolutely SLAYED, guuuuuuurl

me: *blushing* aww

Fun typo: “You ate the most important thing in my life.”

Paid $50 for a device that has a motion detector that emits a sound to scare off neighbor’s cat….she’s out there rubbing up against it now

Haiku is a cross
between poetry and math.
Satan’s handiwork.

Today’s the day I’m gonna’ make the onions cry.

What idiot called it a national anthem instead of country music?

So it turns out that all my early 20 something co-workers have been speculating behind my back that I was a teen mom, but I can’t even be mad about it because it means they thought I was 28.

Just cleaned out my purse if anyone needs 17 pens or a tooth.

I’m gonna be upset when HBO starts killing off Sesame Street characters one by one Game Of Thrones style.

People who say ‘mayo’ instead of ‘mayonnaise’ live 12 years longer cos of all the time they save

Friend: I love your gray eyeshadow!
Me: I’m not wearing eyeshadow.

I think my wife’s angry with me but it’s hard to tell coz she’s pretty blurry and one of us is slurring a lot

For my 40th birthday present, my husband replaced a pan that he broke and that’s how I know he’ll never be able to leave me for another woman

[first date]
Her: The menu is in French.
Me: Allow me to order for you.
Her: Sure.
Me: Mÿ dâtę wòûld líkê thé chėésëbûrgęr, plæsê.

3-year-old: *dumps Cheez-its on the floor*

Me: What are you doing?!

3-year-old: Feeding the Roomba.

I fold the receipt and place it in my briefcase.

“Now just to be clear, I have to be dead before I use the grave?”

That little rat from Ratatouille is under Pharrell’s hat pulling his hair to make him dance.

Pro Tip:

If you stab yourself in the thigh with your pen you get to leave the meeting.

Prop Manager *checks gun*
“There are real bullets in here.”

Rookie prop assistant: “Yeah we are out of fake blood.”

Her: What do you notice that’s different about me?
Me: I’ll just sleep on the sofa, see you in the morning.

What’s the etiquette for showing up to a party you weren’t invited to? Should I bring dip or??

Being paranoid about your govt’s paranoia is a good sign.

American Bulldog: Bark!

German Shepard: Ba<hocks loogie>rk!

Boston Terrier: fahken bahk!

Password security questions be like: What’s your middle name? Why are you single? What’s wrong with your big toe?

For financial reasons, I’ll be giving everyone birthday gifs this year

ALBUS: Got Dementors to protect Hogwarts this year. They suck souls out! Indiscriminately!
KIDS: …
STAFF: …
ALBUS: I can’t control them.

I am now afraid to click on any celebrity name trending it just keeps getting worse and worse

[traffic stop]

COP: where ya headed?

ME: on my way home

COP: *shining flashlight in my backseat*

ME: look at me when I’m speaking to you

Every person you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.

Make it worse by asking if they’re drinking enough water.

Webb. James Webb.