Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My kid got all dramatic and started a story with “in the deep dark woods there lived…a chicken” and now I need him to come home from the park and tell me the rest

Just know someone out there is thinking of you, and how to make your death look like an accident.

Bonfire is French for “good fire.”

roman lesbians: *caesaring*

stirring up shit at the wedding by going up to random people and saying “i think it’s so brave that you’re here”

Now that I’m 40, I’ve had to change my safe word to ‘my knees! my knees!’

Customer: can I pay with my phone?

Me: no we need dollars

Nobody has ever partied as hard as skeletons in a cemetery in a 1930s cartoon. Using their heads as bongos. Doing cartwheels.. Letting one skelly use a broom to sweep them up into a big bone pile. The Euphoria kids could never

I bet the skeletons, in my gay coworker’s closet, are having a dress up party with fabulous clothes.

The reason that there are so many tweets about cats is that people with dogs go outside.

I don’t want to house hunt, I only do it to keep house populations in check.

A school makes you educated like a plane makes you a skydiver.

Had sex with a dude and he started sending me really bad original music he had clearly written about me. I’m a terrible muse.

[My first day as a detective]
Me: It’s one way glass he can’t see you. Just point at the killer.
Witness: All I can see is our reflection.
Me: Ah, ok. Everybody swap rooms.

I hope I’m not the only one who hovers over someone when they use my favorite pen just so they know I’m serious about wanting it back.

Chipotle has been hacked for an hour and hasn’t noticed… Taylor Swift was hacked and wrote an album about it 30 seconds after.

My daughter asked why I drink so much beer

I told her it’s because I actually have a condition that’s pretty unfortunate. You see, my body is actually not capable of producing its own alcohol

My 5-year-old loves pickles so much that I have to cut her off like she’s some drunk dude at a bar, “you’ve had enough, buddy.”

A friend of ours directed a horror movie that’s doing very well, but when he tried to get certain actors to be in it, they refused.

Now he’s sending them emails with the box office receipts and streaming numbers, with the message “Remember when you wouldn’t be in my movie?” 🎃

I could never be a serial killer. There’s far too much cleaning.

waiter: what would you like for breakfast?

me: toast

waiter: that’s weird but ok

[taps glass with fork]

waiter: i only just met this man but i can already tell he is a great guy, here is to new friends. [raises glass] to friends

technique

Me: Please. Just a little longer.

Dental Asst: Ma’am. It’s been 24 minutes since your x-ray. It’s not a real hug, and I need to use the apron on other patients now.

Clark Kent: *sets glasses on kitchen table*
Lois Lane: Is that our table? I don’t recognize it.

Does the steam hitting me in the face when opening the dishwasher door before it’s drying cycle ends count as a spa day.

Cause I think it does.

ME: [in santa costume, covered in chimney soot] that was hard. how does santa do it
WIFE: well santas not real, hun
ME: [drops cookie] WHAT

Nude Descending a Staircase is both my favorite work of art and the most common entry on my criminal records.

Gaslighting one person isn’t enough. I’m scheduling a town hall meeting.

[batteries in my TV remote die for the first time since I bought it 4 years ago]
“Useless piece of shit.”

Amazing how easily that guy scaled Trump Tower. Thank God u can’t get suction cups in Mexico cause then wall idea would be really stupid.