Everyone’s been asking me how I would improve shoes. Here is my answer:

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Dracula: I vant to suck your blood!

Me, a waiter: Is Pepsi okay?

Dracula: *sighing* I guess.


My key takeaway from Ghostbusters was that once you’re dead, your Miranda rights don’t count for shit.


Frosted Mini Wheats. For when you’re craving hay with sugar on top.


Had a discussion with my boss about how lanyards can strangle…. conversation took a turn…. I am either fired or getting a HUGE raise x2


In school it be like 2+2=4. Homework: 2×8+3=19. Then the test: Juan has 4 apples, his train is 7 minutes early, calculate the suns mass. Wtf


Me: I like that racecar.

Her: You know that’s a palindrome.

Me *rolls eyes*: I’m pretty sure it’s a Ferrari.


How awkward would it have been for coach if he put in Air Bud and they lost.


Caught my son running a Google search for “adult entertainment”. I was mortified. We are strictly a Bing family.


Many people are shocked when they find out I’m not a good electrician.