Everyone’s been asking me how I would improve shoes. Here is my answer:
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God invented co-workers to remind us that dying alone wouldn’t be such a bad thing.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of half a pizza thinking it’s been long enough since I ate the 1st half to consider this a different meal
*goes to get phone out of car
*sees car has been stolen
*finds phone in back pocket
OH THANK GOD
The greatest Halloween decoration you’ll ever see
When someone ends a sentence with “af” they were hastily trying to type “A FALCON DESCENDS UPON ME” but could not make it in time.
Me: i feel like we don’t communicate as well lately
Marriage Counselor: where’s your wife?
Me: shit I forgot to tell her about this
Accidentally closed a browser with 20+ tabs opened . . . this must be what the scholars of Alexandria felt when their great library burned.
All the good ones are taken.
All the funny ones are fat.
All the smart ones are ugly.All the ones with all of the above are fictional.
“I got up at 4 am so I could bite my mom and eat a frog and pee on the floor right after I peed outside”
I saw a spider crawl under my kid’s bed and was too tired to go after it, but that’s okay, no living creature can survive that environment.
Parenting is a minefield. Just because they loved Hotel Transylvania doesn’t mean they’ll love The Shining. Lesson learned.
I’m dealing with my anger issues one chicken wing at a time.
Me to kid: go tell your brother dinner’s ready
The same kid right beside me:
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
Uhh, hells yeah Id like to participate in your brief survey.
Folks have it easy today. If they need to see how to spell a word, they can Google it.
I had to use a dictionary. And not knowing how to spell the word was no help. I spent an hour in the T’s trying to find “pterodactyl” with no success.
I told my grandmother to act her age…. then she died.
My sister has positioned herself as the lazy sibling and honestly I stan, no one expects anything from her. Is it too late for me to rebrand?
Sometimes I’ll be staring at my phone for a few minutes and be like “what was it I was doing” then I’ll be like “oh yeah I’m driving a car”
Her: Do you have a date for Valentine’s Day?
Me: I do. It’s February 14th.
If you’re going to give someone a piece of your mind, make sure you can spare it.
Made a deal with my wife a few months back that if was if she was still pregnant come #Halloween, she’d dress up as Bob Wylie. She lost… and all of Twitter has now won. #Browns
Thursday Thought.
Ok so for next Halloween ill be mozart.
“I’ll be beethoven!”
Yeah okay, calm down sally. So Mr. Terminator who will you be?“I’LL BE BACH.”
My New Year’s resolutions:
1. Stop making lists.
B. Be more consistent.
7. Learn to count.
When you are having a new mattress installed, remember to hide your “toys” BEFORE the movers arrive.
R – E – S – P – E – C – T
J – K – L – M – N – O – P
The spider sees a delicious cave opening and works quickly, spinning an intricate, elegant web. She steps back, smiling at her work, tears in all of her eyes. It is brilliant.
Me: *closes my mouth after the longest and best yawn ever*
Spider: noooooooooo