@Michael1979

Everyone’s been asking me how I would improve shoes. Here is my answer:

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@KattsDogma

‘Behooves’ seems like a word only a fancy talking horse would use.
-me, at 3:42am

@TiaBarracini

I lost my husband two years ago and am thinking about dating again.

Does this bed seem too desperate?

@calluptome

If it weren’t for the gutter, my mind would be homeless.

@FunnyMojoJojo

Regular naps prevent old age, especially if you take them while driving…

@FeelingEuphoric

two months from now, toilet paper still remains out of stock. the people begin to riot. the charmin bears perch upon their mountain of wealth, watching humanity suffer

@momtribevibe

[ First day as a bartender ]

Me: *unzips customers pants*

Him: wtf!?

Me: you said make it stiff

@TheDeadfishSays

Me: For who the bell tolls…
Teacher: You forgot the ‘M’.
Me:Oh…
Me:
Me: For who them bells toll…

@lloydrang

Kid: Mommy’s last name must be “Honey” cuz that’s what daddy calls her

Teacher: That’s SWEET. What’s her first name?

Kid: “Sorry,” I think