Everyone’s been asking me how I would improve shoes. Here is my answer:

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‘Behooves’ seems like a word only a fancy talking horse would use.
-me, at 3:42am


I lost my husband two years ago and am thinking about dating again.

Does this bed seem too desperate?


If it weren’t for the gutter, my mind would be homeless.


Regular naps prevent old age, especially if you take them while driving…


two months from now, toilet paper still remains out of stock. the people begin to riot. the charmin bears perch upon their mountain of wealth, watching humanity suffer


[ First day as a bartender ]

Me: *unzips customers pants*

Him: wtf!?

Me: you said make it stiff


Me: For who the bell tolls…
Teacher: You forgot the ‘M’.
Me: For who them bells toll…


Kid: Mommy’s last name must be “Honey” cuz that’s what daddy calls her

Teacher: That’s SWEET. What’s her first name?

Kid: “Sorry,” I think