Everyone’s been asking me how I would improve shoes. Here is my answer:
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You can learn a lot about your neighbor by going through their medicine cabinet …. For example, my neighbor had 17 Xanax and now they have none.
Remember, if you get dumped, it’s only because they’re looking for someone sexier and more attractive. It has NOTHING to do with you.
Do the people who make chairs know what humans look like or nah
If I could time travel to assassinate a historical figure I’d probably choose Archduke Franz Ferdinand
Me: So excited for the weekend!
Predatory alien in disguise: Same here! Sooo easy to catch, right
M: Huh
P: The weakened
M: What
P: What
Freaking out people walking round the cemetery dressed as a Ghostbuster.
I either need to get serious about losing weight, or start shopping at places that sell costumes for circus bears.
Me *pouring coffee* are you going to work today?
Windows Explorer: who knows lol
Sorry. Not sorry
I always pencil in 45 minutes in my calendar when asking my daughter a question.
Me: I wish I was the most beautiful person in the world.
Genie: done
Me: *looking in mirror* But I still look the same…
Genie: Just wait until you see everybody else.
[me, a people pleaser]: “no doctor that’s okay, whatever type of blood you have is fine”
Me: What’s your favorite color?
Him: That depends. What is the color of your eyes?
Me: Awww. You are so sweet. Green.
Him: I love blue.
6 YEAR OLD RENOVATOR: So over here we’ll tear up the carpet, and obviously add a lot of furniture, as the floor will be lava.
When someone points at your black clothes and asks whose funeral it is,
having a look around the room and saying ‘Haven’t decided yet’ is typically a good response.
Just spoke to my wife whiIe twitter was down. She seems nice. She’s a nurse apparently
[15 minutes into choosing which crab from the tank to have for dinner]
Date: are you crying?
The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.
My nine year old stayed home with me today. The time is 11:30 am.
She has spoken more words today than I did in December.
We had 3 kids, but once TVs came w/ remotes we put them up for adoption
If McDonalds sold hot dogs would you be able to (w/ a straight face) order a McWeiner and tell them to supersize it?
I bought wings for my employees today and one of them ate 20 wings and then resigned 20 minutes later. Fair play
it’s not abuse if the substance likes it.
Considering the fact that I’m still working in people’s homes everyday, if the coronavirus hasn’t killed me in a week, nothing can kill me.
Except bullets.
Bullets and gravity.
Also poison.
WAITER: Ready to order?
ME: First, I’d like to hear the chef’s special
WAITER: Oh yes he’s very special
[chef in background sheds a tear]
Like a good neighbor
State Farm and I haven’t ever spoken.
waiter: and how would you like your steak cooked?
me: umm on a grill?
waiter: no how would you like it served?
me (embarrassed laugh): oh silly me. on a plate please
Spending a lazy afternoon methodically eating the plastic flowers from the vase in the hotel lobby
I’m one of the 128 people on earth who doesn’t have a facebook so when the robots take over don’t even try to come to my off-grid-bunker for freeze-dried food