Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My 3 year old wants 3 cookies because he’s 3. So I’m having 36.

Ask your child how many minutes they think are left on a car journey instead of them asking you.

Be the reason why church doors slam shut as you walk by.

*gets in taxi*

Me: Wow it’s cold out there, my hand is freezing.

Cabbie: Where to?

Me: (putting on other glove) You know what, you’re right.

Parenthood has made me so tired that even in my sex dreams, I’m asleep.

GUY WHO JUST INVENTED DOORS: Now it’s easy to get inside!

GUY WHO’S ABOUT TO INVENT LOCKS: But what if it’s *too* easy?

Oh sorry I can’t right now. I’m imagining some things and worrying about them

Me: Man, I’m tired of hearing about politics.
The universe: Cool, here’s nothing but Taylor Swift.

Telling a woman she’s being unreasonable is like juggling lit torches while waist deep in gun powder.

My son told me he had a loose tooth so I asked him which one and he said “Gary.” This little weirdo named each of his teeth!

My husband is a dentist now! At least he acts like one asking me questions while I’m very obviously brushing my teeth.

Theravada Monks purge all their earthly possessions to express their faith and pursue spiritual stillness of mind. I did it because fleas.

customer: I’d like to buy a bagel with cream cheese

me: sorry, we only take cash

manager: can I talk to you

*Throws Pizza party
*B.Y.O.Pizza
*Gather All the pizza’s
*Kicks everyone out.

I cannot walk on water, But I can wobble on whisky.

Jesus rose from the grave because he forgot to clear his browser History

Diets are like religions. The moment I find out that thing I like isn’t allowed, I’m out.

Doctor: Let’s take a look at your chest shall we

Pirate: No

I’m scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae

Made a pact w/ my wife that if we’re 40 & kids haven’t stopped whining, we’ll meet at top of the Empire State Building so they can’t find us

If you took your large intestine and stretched it out in a straight line it would be very hard to get it back in you after that. So tangly.

I heard that #TheDress debate has already destroyed 18 relationships. These people probably shouldn’t be breeding anyway.

Me: I played this as a kid. It’s from back when video games made sense

6-year-old: Why did you jump on a turtle?

Me: Because I’m a plumber

HR Manager: Some of your coworkers think you’re mean and vengeful

Me: They are going to pay for saying that

I like my women like I like my glasses: thick, transparent, and uneven

When you decorate your whole house for Christmas, what you’re really saying is “I’m not going to dust for at least a month.”

Friend is being kicked out of his flat that has a garden because the landlord wants to charge much, much higher rent. Friend has carefully removed every single thing he planted. Landlord: “it’s worth more with all the f***ing plants, how am I meant to get more rent now?!”

Fired from my job as an autopsy technician for repeatedly asking “are you gonna eat that?” during the procedures.

I sniffed my work shirt to see if it was too dirty. Unfortunately I work at a chloroform factory and woke up 6 hours late for my shift

I was bitten by a radioactive vegan, and now I have the power to bore people to death.