Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Note to self:

When the wife asks “Do you like my new hair”, don’t reply with “It’ll grow back, right?”

Washed the drying rack and now idk where to dry it

My niece thinks she’s more mature than me because she listens to Beethoven.

His movies sucked plus why would I wanna listen to dog music?

A friend who is on Bumble told me a guy texted her, “Do you like prunes?” as an opener and she thought it was bizarre. I told her to respond with, “No, but I do like dates” in case you were wondering who not to ask for dating advice ever

*on death bed*
priest: any regrets my child?
*montage of every time i saw a large dog and didn’t try to ride it*
me: uhhhhh

Letting my cat know in a positive way that he’s looking very round today.

Inspecting every trashcan in the office for pits after discovering someone ate nearly all of my cherries. Cherries that were in a sealed bag labeled Erin. I shall exact my revenge with fire and blood.

My 4yo picked up a toy and put it away without being asked, and I just stared at her like she was a woodland animal I didn’t want to scare.

Them: What’s the hardest thing you’ve ever had to say to someone?

Me: Probably… Saskatchewan

Them: …

Me: or Worcestershire

crazy how my parents yelled at me as a child to “prepare me for the real world” when the only person who consistently yells at me is my cat

ME: I’ve brought you a house-warming present

ESKIMO: You idiot

The extreme amount of stress I feel when crawling into my sleeping child’s room to leave tooth fairy money proves I could never make it as a spy

[Wedding night]

Me: Finally! I’ve waited SO long for this

New Father in Law: You’re in the wrong room

Me: Am I? *winks forever*

[Charlie Brown running up and just booting Hey Arnold in the head]

Roombas should bark

Why are they called bangs and not a hangover?

Putting my Christmas decorations on the house across the street so I can, you know, see them.

Letting my 4-year-old niece cook me breakfast in her Easy Bake Oven and acting like I’m not about to absolutely destroy her on Yelp.

I tried to help by doing my daughter’s hair once and a kind old lady offered her a hot meal and a warm place to sleep.

If my “check engine” light would check my wallet, it would know there’s nothing I can do about it.

The next man who calls me deluded is going to regret it when he finds me sitting in his house wearing a wedding dress.

I broke into your house and slept under your bed all night to protect you from the perverts out there.

If you send me game requests on Facebook I’ll visit an adult bookstore and tag you as being with me.

I just typed “relationship” and it came up “delusional” on my phone. First time I realized my phone really is smart.

[getting fired from NASA]
Is it because I kept saying “Technically we’re already in space?”

That burrito didn’t agree with me.

And then I was like “Why am I arguing with a burrito?!”

Mom! Don’t worry, but there’s a spider over here. Don’t come over. And don’t worry, it’s not big but it’s actually huge so maybe stay away.

U know your mind is gone when u get out of bath and realize u only shaved one leg

Unless u only have one leg… Then you’re good

CUTE GIRL IN BAR: *walks up, points to my empty glass* Want another?

ME: (OK don’t blow this) Sure

*she hands me her empty glass & leaves*

The hiring manager calling me for an interview just said uhm about 300 times. Does that mean I got the job?