Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: *tries to befriend another human being*
another human being: oh, no thank you

[Kitchen]

*I open the swear jar to discover someone used the last swear yet put the empty jar back in the refrigerator*

ME: {dead air but my mouth is moving}

[me sneaking to the bathroom at night to check twitter]

Wife: what are you doing?

Me [looking around for excuse] just…changing my tampon

Doe, a deer, a female deer,
Ray, a guy who owes me money.

Me: I taught the dog to say the 7 deadly sins

Wife: No you didn’t

Dog: Ruff

Me: See, wrath!

Wife: He said ruff! You can’t teach a dog to

Dog: Gluttony

Wife: Holy shit

[watching #diving]

ME: Huge splash! Nice!

ANNOUNCER: That splash will cost her a medal.

ME [changing channel]: The Olympics are garbage.

BETRAYAL

A judge in Oklahoma City wed a couple and then sentenced the groom to prison. That sounds redundant to me.

[at a bar]
CUTE GIRL: *grabs my arm* hey there
ME: *mouth full of food* did you know a lobster on a kabob is called a kablobster

My grandfather wanted to stay fit when he turned 60 so he decided to start running a mile a day. He’s 65 now and we don’t know where he is.

If a tree falls on your ex in the woods and no one’s around to hear it, you should probably still get rid of the chainsaw.

My brother’s girlfriend is meeting my family rn & my dad just offered to introduce her to my nana’s ashes, this is the best night of my life

[first date]
her: so, tell me about yourself!
me: well, im not good with dates
her: but you’re doing fine!
me: christmas is on september 3rd

Heroic Misunderstanding

FOOL people into thinking you’re a time traveller by angrily demanding what year it is

Just wait. All of the Presidents will be on sale tomorrow

HIM: I’m having a shit first day at my new job. Can I crash at your place?
HER: Sure. What’s your new job?
HIM: Airline pilot.

Forgot my glasses so I’m pointing at a random spot on the menu and hoping for the best

*has no idea what a book even is*

[at Waldo’s trial]

Judge: Jury, how do you find the defendant?

Jury: We the jury find the defendant by looking in the top left of the page

There are two kinds of people, those who put water in the shampoo bottle to get the last bit, and billionaires

Cops are always like “Where were you when the murder took place” and never “How were you when the murder took place”

What if balloons take over and start twisting us into animal shapes?

Say what you want about nature vs nurture but I don’t remember teaching my 4yo to moon people.

There’s a butterfly in my office and a nerf gun in my purse. Susan, clear my schedule.

Should I fix the hail damage on my car? I mean, not everyone can say their car resembles a golf ball.

Me- Look at the beautiful Christmas lights kids!
My husband- Woo buddy, I’d love to see their electric bill