Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

This salad I’m having for lunch tastes a lot like I’m having a greasy burger and onion rings for dinner.

The reason that there are so many tweets about cats is that people with dogs go outside.

I spent the last twenty minutes telling my wife about plot holes that I’ve found in the frozen film franchise. So I guess this is who I am now.

Can’t wait for this manhunt to be over so I can stop dyeing my hair.

Take a look at trending topics and you’ll realize why they have to write “do not eat” on dry silica packets.

Blink once if you’re ok and Blink 182 if you ditched your career to find UFO’s.

If you added too much cornstarch I feel bad for you hon

I got 99 problems, but a bisque ain’t one

People buying plungers never look like they’re in a good mood.

It’s never too late to accomplish things you never thought you could. I’m 46 years old and just set a personal record for vertical leap when I saw my own reflection in the mirror and jumped like a cat

Robin Thicke can’t even name a second Robin Thicke song

50ME MIALS LLDO IONAT NED

NED

50ME MIALS LLDO IONAT

NED

ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME

Me: When a door closes a window opens.

All dads: Close that damn window! I’m not trying to air condition the whole damn county! And turn off that light while you’re at it.

How to shape your eyebrows

A thread

My son is taking a bartending class at college so I think I’m finally going to start seeing a return on my investment.

Me: Everyone has that one restaurant they’re embarrassed to walk into when it’s daylight

Taco Bell employee, from across the street: Hey Adam!

Me: *runs away*

My mother keeps saying my boyfriend seems like someone who’d be really good with children. Except, she’s never seen him interact with children. She’s only seen him interact with me. So idk where that impression comes from…

My safe word is Worcestershire

Frontier flight attendant: Sir, I regret to inform you that we are going to have to cancel this flight.

*hands me a parachute*

The person who made stabbing people illegal, clearly never slept next to someone who snores.

My wife asked me: “What’s the most risky, dangerous food you’ve ever eaten.”

Me: “wedding cake”.

Me, to all my kids before the age of 2.

“No screens allowed.”

On their 2nd birthday, handing over iPad.

“This is your mother now.”

When people start mentioning their doctoral degrees at dinner parties I find a way to slip it into the conversation that I’ve read all 6 Harry Potter books.

Verizon: your online bill is ready

Me: ok. for what

My mother was feeling cold so now I’m wearing a sweater.

Regardless of how strange your life can be, at least you’re not the h in chameleon.

How much is appropriate to tip the police officer who opens the squad car door for you?

Therapist: Did someone refer you to me?

“Yes, everyone.”

Secondary school me: my speech is abou….

My guys at the back:

If I ask “Where’s the remote?” & you say “Next to the TV,” you get a punch in the throat becuz THAT’S THE OPPOSITE OF WHY WE HAVE A REMOTE.

I always try to hold the door open for women I see walk by, so we can talk and get to know each other. But none of them will get in my car.