Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

you know you drank too much when you wake up and your liver is on the pillow next to you crying.

Waitress: any questions about the menu?

Me: why isn’t a burger a sandwich?

How does a hippie polygamist count his wives?

1. Mrs. Hippie 2. Mrs. Hippie 3. Mrs. Hippie 4. Mrs. Hippie

At my funeral I want the picture of me next to the coffin to have eyeholes cut out with someone behind it glaring at people coming in.

Fun fact: When swimming upstream, salmon can jump up as high as 6 feet.
Unless its a white salmon.

every olympics i turn into this guy

*softly brushes the hair away from your face
“I said it’s my turn to jump in the bounce house.”

You can use an egg timer to tell you when your egg is cooked perfectly. For brown rice you can use a calendar.

I’m not saying I have a drinking problem I’m proving it.

People say I have a dry sense of humor. So when you hate everyone the word to describe that is dry now I guess.

Coworker: Did you know a blue whale’s arteries are big enough for a person to swim through?

Me: DID YOU KNOW THE KUERIG DOESN’T JUST MAGICALLY REFILL ITSELF, DAN?

When I have to go back to work again, I’ll have to leave messages ranting about my job on my answering machine at least 6 times a day because the cats have grown accustomed to it

Was chatting at our block party and a new neighbor came up and asked if I was this dude’s wife and I said no I’m his mistress just to make it weird and welcome her to the neighborhood.

Nothing makes sex more awkward than realizing your kid is awake…

and standing outside your door…

and playing the harmonica.

I’m not saying I’m not physically fit, I’m just saying I went to yoga once and they had to call the paramedics.

The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink

A colon can completely change the meaning of a sentence.

For example:

– Jill ate her friend’s sandwich.
– Jill ate her friend’s colon.

Give us this day our daily internet validation

Unpopular opinion: Not all Canadians are sorry

I started working for a paycheck 30 years ago last month & my jaw has been clenched ever since.

All 3 kids need braces so I explained to them that they will have beautiful teeth but no further education.

What you call those little potatoes with all the eyes?

Speck taters

I love when someone is like “I’m funny because I have trauma and it’s a coping mechanisms” and it’s like ok not to add to your trauma, but you’re not funny

HIM: Hi, I’m Bill.
ME: Hi, I’m…oh shit this is embarrassing. I’m not really good with names.

I’m not mad, I’m just frustrated.

-people that are about to start ugly crying

Aliens: take us to your leader

Me: ok guys listen- he’s probably going to deport you but there is a small chance he’ll want to marry you

Neil DeGrasse Tyson watching an Indian action movie: *becomes so filled with rage he explodes*

(me hosting a paranormal show): you look like you’ve seen a ghost!

Director: for the tenth time please stop saying that

Boss: How were your weekends?

Steve: I coached my son’s soccer team

Alice: I helped friends move and volunteered at an animal shelter

Me: I dreamed my clothes were made of peanut butter and jelly

I hate it when people think I’m staring when really I’m trying to kill them with my mind.