everyone’s blaming media illiteracy for ppl mistaking poo crave for pop crave but babe that’s just regular illiteracy 😓
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How about the people in fast food commercials look like they actually eat fast food?
On the bright side, every moment Bieber spends Tweeting is a moment he isn’t spending recording or performing music.
Jesus Christ. They stole your tweet. Not your first born son.
Sex in the snow is wintercourse.
ROBBER: is this all the cash?
CASHIER: yes but would you like to donate $1 to charity
ROBBER [tears welling up inside his ski mask]: ok
Ways to get ants out of your house:
1) Ant traps
2) Say you had a good time but it’s late & you have work tomorrow
3) Set house on fire
Those three magic words,
-You can have my taco.Ps. Shut it, maths police.
Wireless bra? What’s the password?
When Sting dies I’m calling him Stung.
*whistles at dog*
DOG: I have a boyfriend
Satan: you can spend eternity in hell OR you can go to work for the first time in 5 days.
Me: hmmm
Satan: well?
Me: IM THINKING, DAMN IT
My top 5 exercises:
-jumping to conclusions
-flying off the handle
-carrying things too far
-dodging responsibilities
-pushing my luck
ME: What are you in for?
CELLMATE: Money laundering.
ME: *lights a cig and takes a long drag* Always check your pockets before washing your clothes.
teacher: “there are no stupid questions”
me: “ya ok but why isnt the plural of moose, meese”
When a relative asks me what I’m doing with my life, I tell more lies than a guy at a computer whose wife just asked him what he’s doing.
ME:After years dealing with my garbage-
RACCOON:*raccoon noises*
ME:*gets down on one knee* it’s become clear you’re the one for me
RACCOON:![]()
#math
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When your realtor finds a quaint Tudor in your price range.
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do mermaids get waxed or descaled
I hate when I’m in a room with 3 other people, & I have to shove the entire kit kat in my mouth.
Of course I’m paying attention, I’m just following the floaters on my eyeballs. Keep talking.
establish dominance at a funeral by crying first
Boss: And you’re not showing the new people around until you stop referring to the washroom as “where the magic happens”
[working in garage]
“Hand me a screwdriver, son”
A flat one?
“No”
[mixes vodka and Orange Crush] Here ya go
Bob the Builder: can we fix it?
Bob’s Wife’s Attorney: please just sign the papers, Robert.
[finally rich enough to go to a tailor]
“How can I help you sir?”
One clothes please!
TIMMY: What’s that, girl?
LASSIE (echoing from the bottom of a well): *bark bark bark*
TIMMY: You say you’re aware of the irony of the situation?
3 unravelled an entire toilet roll when I wasn’t looking so I wrapped him in it, stood him in the corner of the bathroom and told him to spin round slowly when someone needs to use it
just realizing what a disservice it is to limit my kids screen time because they could become influencers and fund the rest of my life