everyoneās blaming media illiteracy for ppl mistaking poo crave for pop crave but babe thatās just regular illiteracy š
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why do i pat the top of my sandwich like great job now you must die.
clark kentās honeymoon starts on a down note
Another exciting afternoon in Cheltenhamā¦
āDaddy, I-ā
*presses button for soundproof backseat divider
Wife: āHOW MUCH DID-ā
*presses button for soundproof passenger seat divider
āwhatās your most cherished memory keith?ā
[looks at my wife and baby in crowd with loving smile]
[leans into mic]
i heard a dog laugh once
i could never be hannah montana because i would take one hit of a joint at a party, turn to the person closest to me, and immediately go āi neeeeeeed to tell u somethingā
him: would you like to speak with the pharmacist?
her: no thanks
me, first day as a pharmacist: *under the counter* ask her why tho
Every damn time
Some people were born into their job.
IāVE GOT GOATLIKE SPEED & REFLEXES
āDonāt you mean catlike-ā
BAAAH [Climbs on top of roof and begins eating shingles]
Hub: You ready to go?
Me: In a minute, Iām beating the kids.
[Cut to me just decimating the kids at Mario Kart]
[invention of croutons]
Letās make eating salad hurt
establish dominance at work by drinking iced tea in a wine glass
You can strip us of our rights,
our dignity and our freedom but know this; we will NEVER stop correcting your grammar.
who called it carrying your cell phone in your front pocket instead of hot signals in your area
I had to update my driverās license photo at the DMV and I complained that I looked terrible in it and the guy said, āLady, thatās literally exactly what you look likeā and now my day is ruined.
*phone rings*
Wife ā āQuick! Pretend Iām not in!ā
Me ā *strips naked and does running man*
Wife ā āā¦.ā
Phone
Mom: Didnāt mean to wake you earlier.
Me: Itās okay. Iām up.
Mom: I need to have a hard discussion with you. Howās your brain working? Are you feeling awake now?
Me: No, I was wrong. Iām asleep.
Guys criticizing womenās pics on here are like, āyes, youāve laid a fully cooked banquet in front of me ā but that roast is a little overdone, Iāve seen better in a cookbook onceā
Look picnics, if I wanted to spend three hours protecting my food with a spork, Iād just go to prison.
I set a rat trap last night & this morning the cheese was gone & there was a picture of my kids in it, what does this mean
Iām not saying my husband and I are scared of our 3yo, but we just did Rock Paper Scissors to determine who was going to take the baseball bat away from him.
i havenāt seen a āturn $50 into $5000ā post in a minute, yāall in jail now?
[Restaurant]
Date: I like guys who plan ahead
Me: Excuse me, waiter! *Leans in* Make sure my widow here is well looked after
If thereās a fine line between being too quiet and saying way too much, iāve never found it
I thought āman cannot live on bread aloneā was some sort of TikTok challenge.
And I think Iām winning.
[1st day as lifeguard]
Guy: thereās someone drowning in the water
Me [not looking up from phone]: well itād be hard to drown in the sand
the girl from the ring starts crawling out of the tv, stops halfway, looks around my room, and crawls back into the tv
I woke up hoping for an easy morning, then my 3 year old came downstairs and informed me that she wasnāt planning on using her hands today. This should be fun.
*filling out preschool form*
1st child: She knows all of the letters and numbers.
2nd child: He knows all of the colors.
3rd child: She knows all of the swear words.