everyone’s blaming media illiteracy for ppl mistaking poo crave for pop crave but babe that’s just regular illiteracy 😓
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I’ve never been as disappointed as my dog just was when she realized the food I dropped was a carrot.
*First Date*
Me: I really like what you tried to do with what’s left of your hair.
What if you’re only given pork to eat in the afterlife? Would that be eternal hamnation?
My therapist told me to write letters to the people I hate & then burn them. I wonder what I should do with the letters.
A Navidad is just a normal Dad that never has to ask for directions.
Careful, that’s a load-bearing delusion
Romance is weird. My wife said she wanted fantasy play but got angry when I handed her the wizard beard & 20 sided dice
student loan “forgiveness?” so you admit. student loans are a sin.
BOSS: Wow you made a killing on your first day
ME: Thanks boss!
BOSS: *puts hand on my shoulder* that’s bad for a surgeon
To avoid eating all the Halloween candy, I got tiny Bibles to hand out instead but, nope, I’ve eaten all those too.
[first/last day working at an Italian restaurant]
CUSTOMER: what types of pasta do you have?
ME: we have spaghetti, vermicelli, rigatoni, enrico palazzo, falsetto, versace and fellatio
Me: Powers out. I’ll eat all the food in the fridge so it doesn’t spoil
Wife: You just turned off the lights
Me: *3 tacos in my mouth* what?
[seeing a gumball machine full of bees]
give me a quarter
There should be an Olympic event that requires participants to remove a single cube from an ice cube tray.
Twitter dot com. *sigh*
Area Man Already Knows Which Chicken Tender He’s Saving For Last
like people say things like ‘tuna fish’ but not ‘duck bird’ or ‘dad father’
[waxing salon]
ME: I need to make a waxing appointment.
ASSOCIATE: You want a Brazilian?
ME: No, I don’t need that many.
Rude lady to me, “Well I’m sorry but you don’t LOOK sick to me.” Me, “Looks can be deceiving. For example, you don’t look stupid.”
If anyone asks, I’m only watching three shirtless buff guys work on the neighbour’s roof because home improvement projects are super educational.
If my fingers don’t motion like scissors snipping when I ask for a haircut at the salon, how will they know what I mean
I went to the doctor yesterday. Because “was attacked by geese” is on my medical record, first question every time from both nurse & doctor is, “Any more trouble with geese?”
Interview Tip: When you get the “where do you see yourself in 5 years” question, don’t say “post-apocalyptic tribal warlord”.
his wife is probably gonna see that
Pooh on Cold Callers:
These are very kind people who call you to ask if you’ve been injured at work. They are so thoughtful they ring several times a day just to make sure you’re all right. I keep telling them I don’t know what work is but they still keep calling me anyway…
*picks up frog*
*kisses it*
Frog: you know I’m poisonous, right?
Me: oh thank god.
[Shipwrecked diary]
Day 1: I found a pen, and a notebook to write in. More pens. I might be in a Staples. Printer paper. I’m in a Staples.
you ran a half marathon? that’s really cool, i’ve almost finished a bunch of things too
Fool me once shame on you fool me 27 times you’re a piece of lint on the floor disguised as a bug
what if i pushed you against the wall and told you 15 minutes could save you 15 percent or more with Geico.