Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Him: Amazon Prime and chill?

Her: That’s not something people say.

Him: Sure it is. Bing it.

Her: Also not a thing.

I called it a “housewarming party”. The District Attorney called it “aggravated arson”. Semantics.

That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight, spreading goat cheese on a bagel

Lou Read is the name of my favourite musician and also the book I keep in the toilet

Mom is flying into JFK during Friday rush hour. An ‘anonymous tip’ should allow me to pick her up at the TSA and avoid the terminals.

If a person checks their watch while you’re talking, it’s probably because they’re timing you and this is a competition. Keep talking. It’s win-time baby. You got this.

My daughter just came up to me in a ski mask and said “give me all your money!”

Then she turned around and said “you look broke, I’ll try another house” as she promptly walked away.

Raygun walking away from the Olympic venue and breakdancing perfectly as soon as she’s around the corner

5-year-old: My teacher said this project needs adult supervision.

Me: OK, what do you need me to do?

5-year-old: Go find Mom.

The last time I checked, I was a weirdo.

Let me check again. Yep, still a weirdo.

“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”

thinking about eating a lot of candy. which i have obtained legaly, through the trick or treat system, for many years

My 5yo, asserting his independence on the last day of school by coming downstairs dressed in fleece pants on a 90 degree day. I’m sweating just looking at him.

In my defense, they never told me I couldn’t tattoo their baby when I got the babysitter job.

Me: Would you have a minute to speak about my lord and savior, nachos supreme?
Her: Sir, for the last time just tell me your order.

Watching an episode of Star Trek (original series) and my 8 year old says the uniforms remind her of The Wiggles.

I can’t unsee it now

So I used to wonder about people that paid a fortune for those little bottles of Evian water until I read it backwards…

Venmo me $20 and I’ll show up to your work on Valentine’s Day in a suit and tie (with flowers!) begging for you to take me back. For an extra $5 I’ll do it to an unsuspecting co-worker

Me: I love holding your hands

Him, pulling at restraints: does it have to be behind my back

Is it just me or does everything cost like we’re shopping in an airport now?

if u told me 20yrs ago that we’d have a black prez w/ the middle name Hussein, I’d have kept playing w/ my ninja turtles cuz I was 9 in 1993

Giving someone the finger while driving used to mean a lot more when you had to manually roll your window down to do it

[i get pulled over]

cop: have you been out drinking?

me: uh yeah, i’m 28, i’ve been out drinking literally hundreds of times

Let me tell you how you lost this game according to these rules I’ve just made up.
-Kids when you play board games together.

Me: hey, I’m looking for an email.
iPhone mail: this one from 2012, unrelated to your search?
Me: no it was last week
iPhone: can’t find it.

me: i think we should make a baby

wife: do you know how expensive babies are?

me: wait, you can buy them??

Where’s the Google setting that says “I’m researching this for my job. I don’t actually want a roll of a thousand coffee mug stickers”?

They ALWAYS scream at you when it’s raining like it’s your fault😂

[looking at my pill caddy]

My wife: Are these… M&M’s?

Me: I take the peanut butter ones right before bed

one time i asked the guy i was dating at the time if he would still love me if i was a worm and he said ‘no but i would build u a terrarium and make sure ur safe and also so u could see the girl i date after :)’ and it caused a huge fight lol