everyone’s blaming media illiteracy for ppl mistaking poo crave for pop crave but babe that’s just regular illiteracy 😓
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He danced with wolves. I’m running with beehives.
The one prank I think about often is George Clooney cleaning Richard Kind’s cat’s litter box to make him think his cat hadn’t been pooping and then finally laying a big one in the litter box himself as a punchline
WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD
Top names for pet grasshopper:
• Jerry Springer
• hoptimus prime
• Legatron
• Jumpford & sons
• meredith
• billy BOIIIING thorton
• beyouncé
NATE (naive): Want to share a pickle with me? Oh wait, I don’t have a knife.
ME (has seen Lady and the Tramp): Don’t even worry, pal.
Wife: I’ll bet you $100 you can’t go a week without drinking.
Me: Piece of cake, babe.
[one week later]
Me: Just make that a liquor store gift card.
In my trunk is a tire iron, a box of human hair, and a bottle of Grey Goose. I’m always prepared for an impromptu crime scene tampering.
The problem with the exclamation point & question mark being side by side on a keyboard:
I’m so sorry your grandma died?
I love you?
i only got hired to babysit one time and i let the kid drink from a puddle. well technically we both drank from the puddle
Life hack: ask telemarketers and phone scammers to go steady seconds into the conversation and never be bothered again OR now you found love
If HBO released all ten episodes of Game of Thrones at once, maybe I’d be able to remember the characters’ names from episode to episode.
Dear North Carolina, if you let guys marry each other, you’ll have more available women in your family to date!
Who’s up for joining me for some couples counseling just to see how long it takes until the therapist realizes we don’t even know each other?
i for one absolutely hate and can’t stand it when the crab next to me in this bucket full of crabs (i too am a crab) climbs over me when i am trying to in fact climb over THEM
Got tazed by security for asking why is it called an airport when it’s on the ground.
My DNA results came back and apparently I’m .0002% aardvark. Which pretty much answers all the questions I’ve ever had. About anything.
Still kinda pissed off that Octo-mom only has 2 arms
Wishing everyone who’s visiting their parents for Christmas a very water tastes wrong.
*Takes off FitBit*
Ok, weigh me now
Me: You shifted your bar to the rooftop from the basement?
Him:
Him: Yes, I raised the bar.
Cinematography is my passion
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{concert}
lead singer: WHO’S READY TO ROCK?!
me (from the pit trying to clean my glasses with the front of my shirt) JUST A SEC
early stone age tool
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[FIRST DATE]
HER: I love babies.
ME *to waiter*: She’ll have the veal.
Harrison Ford just turned up at my AA group. I’ve never seen Han so low.
robber: alright everybody hit the floor!
me, wearing applebottom jeans and the boots with the fur: my time has come
Paranormal Activity, but the demon that drags us out of bed is called “work”
We basically broke up with Pluto by saying it wasn’t a planet anymore then spent 9yrs obsessing about it & just drove by its house real slow
*watches a movie with you*
*loudly beeps during all the good parts*
My granddaughter is spending the night. Before she fell asleep she kept saying, “I miss my mom. I want my mom.” I said, “We’ll see her tomorrow. Besides, I’m your mom’s mom.” She said, “Well, I’d like to see your daughter.” 😂😂😂