Everyone’s family
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Today’s workout. 5 x 7 min intervals. 1 hour walk. Helped demolish my neighbour’s shed. I’ve never seen anyone so angry.
Thanks for the swallow!
-bird collectors (you perv!!!)
*trips over an ice cube dropped on the floor*
Me: This is JUST like the Titanic!!
I missed my calling in advertising.
“Chocolate diamonds, for when you want your expensive jewelry to look like actual shit.”
[zoo]
Hey dad, where are mountain lions from?
*dad panics*
-Uhh…you see, son, when a mountain and a lion love each other very much…
Why is it called an intermittent cell phone signal and not barhopping?
Ah, the suitcase at the end of the trip. Seeing all the things you brought but didn’t use. A time to reflect upon the lack of knowledge you have of yourself and the world around you.
Why does every dog run the moment you ask “what’s in your mouth”
chiropractor: so how’s your back been?
backstreet: alright
I’ve been taking anti-performance enhancing drugs and according to my life they’re working really well.
Last night I head banged, lip synced, air guitared and air keyboarded “The Final Countdown” while my teen daughter looked on in horror.
Got in a relationship 15 hours ago and right on schedule, 3 men from my past have hit me up
Whenever someone says, “Good question” I never hear their answer because I’m too busy congratulating myself for asking such a good question.
Anyone know the difference between the Supreme and the Deluxe? This whore house menu is confusing
Me: [Walks into kitchen]
[Evil spirit flings open all the cabinet doors]
Me: [Gasps]
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.
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I still have Pringles?
What do you call a person that is happy on a Monday?
Unemployed
Women! You will no doubt have been gifted, over the years, approximately 15,000 gift soaps as panic-buy last-minute presents over the years.
Guilt will have compelled you to keep them all, rendering one drawer an overwhelming grotto of bergamot and lavender. Now is your moment.
Don’t be rude, if the person in front of you in the Starbucks line isn’t concentrating, sweep the leg, step over them and keep the line moving
Associate at the genius bar at the apple store: hi, how may i help you?
me, plunking my laptop down on the table: i can’t find the lowercase numbers!
turning my gender off to conserve energy
Who called it med school and not the I.V. League
[hanging Vanilla Ice from a balcony by his ankles]
Vanilla Ice: “dont drop me! ill give you anything! ill sign my royalties over to-”
me: “royalties? i just want more raps about ninja turtles”
A good friend is like a four leaf clover: sometimes you accidentally run them over with a lawnmower
Can’t. Typing a password into a tv.
You know when people wear 2 t-shirts at once and they look trendy and it looks really good on them well when I do it people are like “hey did you know you’re wearing two shirts”
Today is the one day I don’t get weird looks from people for carrying around my pillow case full of chocolates.
Billy Joel is wearing damp clothes because he didn’t start the dryer
NOT all policemen are strippers.
[phone rings]
“We’ve removed your son’s missing picture from our milk cartons.”
“You found him?”
“No, people stopped buying milk.”
My wife just got the bar tab and yelled “Oh my god.” That can’t be good.