everyone’s following their dreams while I’m over here happily following a food truck
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Ladies, the word for the day is “legs.” Spread the word.
me: do you take walk-ins
dude at the crematorium: what
Family dinners are fun because we start out as a family of 6 & then after everyone gets in trouble for acting up it’s a dinner for two.
I went to the bathroom and forgot my phone. Had to read the little paper about Toxic Shock Syndrome from the tampon box again
My therapy group is a joke. The doctor is supposed to match you with people you have something in common with but everyone here is nuts.
I sleep with a squirt gun under my pillow just in case a gang of cats break in while I’m sleeping.
no, archaeologists cannot determine a person’s sex purely from their skeleton. but they CAN determine if you regularly shot an english longbow, which is much more important.
If I was a mafia don’s wife, I’d keep the couches wrapped in plastic if only to keep my kids in line.
Rude much 😂😂😂
Does anyone know how to get red wine out of a white cat, and don’t say tears, because I already tried that.
Therapist sighs, sets down glasses, rubs the bridge of his nose. “For the last time, Christy, eating ham is not a life plan.”
Me: Please?
Daycare worker: No.
Me:
DW:
Me:
DW: For the last time, you’re not allowed to come in to just look at the babies.
Me: DAYCARES ARE BABY ZOOS!
My husband is a mumbler, but that doesn’t stop him from telling me I’m beautiful… I’m pretty sure that’s what he’s saying anyway.
If the Twitter algorithm actually understood me, my targeted ads would all be wine and sandwiches.
[Therapist appt.]
Hub: She doesn’t have her priorities straight.
*Me on FaceTime with a petting zoo in the background* “That’s not true”
Dumbo sounds like a good idea until you think about how much poop a flying elephant would drop
They should make a sequel to that movie Clueless with just me trying to find the clitoris.
Suspect thinks you’re mad at them cause you used too much punctuation in your text message
HUSBAND: Why are you late?
ME: I was at church.
HUSBAND: I find that hard to believe. Did they have a breakfast buffet or something?
The wind kept blowing an old Burger King wrapper at my feet for over half a block
I know a sign from God when I see one
My neighbor asked how I keep my grass looking so good
I told him to have a seat, it’s kind of a lawn story
Daddy, where do bananas come from?
Well son, when a manana and a womanana really love each other…
Judge: Order in the court
[from the back]
Me: Can I get a large pepperoni pizza with… [puts hand over speaker and looks around] what?
Wednesday
Hey weekend,
I love you more than you know!
I know I don’t deserve you, but trust me if you stay, I will spend all my procrastination on you to keep lying in my bed.
Love,
Your unconditional lover
Even though she’s not Native American, my Wife always sends smoke signals to let me know when dinner is ready.
When I meet someone new I always determine if they’d be an ally or food, in the event of a zombie apocalypse.
I am at my most pretend homemaker when I have a repair person in the house. Who me? Oh I’m just gonna sit here and handsew the trim back on this pillow and when I’m finished with that I’m going to sort my dried flowers for two hours.