everyone’s following their dreams while I’m over here happily following a food truck
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People on Facebook really lose their shit when you comment on their hospital check ins with ‘Glad you’re not too sick to post your status’
Top 3 questions asked by my parents:
3) How’s the business?
2) Do you have a girlfriend?
1) Why are you stealing from our refrigerator?
*moon landing*
That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for updog
“What’s updog?”
NOT MUCH JUST WALKING ON THE MOON WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
If I squint really hard, nope. You’re still an idiot.
You cause one minor incident at a museum and everyone is “Irreplaceable Egyptian mummy” this and “Could have used regular toilet paper” that
😂🖐️
Ordered a honey bee kit off Amazon. Can’t wait to tell my co-workers all the benefits of honey that I Googled right before telling them.
My two teenagers are very different. My son always wants money, whereas my daughter prefers the convenience of my credit card.
Waking up the guy next to me on the plane to tell him to tell the stewardess not to wake me when they come around with snacks
Have you ever looked at someone & thought, you sure could benefit from getting a library card?
[using a dust pan for the first time]
Me: honey, how long until this dirt is cooked
Surprised my wife with freshly washed towels. She didn’t ask for it but when she opened the linen closet four towels fell on her
HER: {brings me to bedroom} And this is where the magic happens.
ME: Show me {moves closer}
HER: What do you want me to do to you baby? {moves closer}
ME: {so close that our lips are almost touching} Saw me in half.
I would have retweeted that but the sun was in my eyes and I got a lot of personal problems and I’m jealous.
1st birthday party: *intense Pinterest deep dive, starts buying things 6 months in advance, starts decorating a month before party*
7th birthday party: *oh shit, the party is in 2 days. Guess I should order some food or something*
Batman: Put the gun down NOW.
Joker: Say please. Didn’t mommy teach you any mann… Oh right, she couldn’t.
Batman: SON OF A…
Joker: Dead mom?
Trump says he’ll make Oasis pay for a wonder wall.
[Worm sitting alone]
WAITER: Dinner for 1?
Dumb question
W: But-
*worm cuts self in half*
*waiter shrieks*
2nd WORM: I’ll have the prime rib
I finally figured out what flies and mosquitoes are for. They’re gods way of making us slap ourselves.
*aggressively pronounces luncheon like lunch-ee-own*
Coworker sneezed, and said “Oh my. I don’t know where that came from.”
I’m no Scientist, but I’m pretty sure it came from her nose.
If you ever wanted to watch another human take 20 minutes to eat 1 slice of bread because all of a sudden they were soo hungry, then kid bedtime™️ might be right for you
[first date]
I’m really nervous about this. It’s been a long time since I’ve [holds fork up and squints] used silverware.
I wish my credit card was like me and had 0% interest.
This box wine has subtle hints of 7-Eleven parking lot and poor decisions.
Reasonable mental health and a good relationship with his mother? I can’t work under these conditions
“Don’t move or she’s dead” was the last thing the wife heard before the husband started tap dancing.
What’s a moderation, and how do I drink in one?
My 8yo made breakfast* for himself and his younger brother, and I’m so proud
*opened popsicles
The adjective “interesting” is way more reliable when applied to cheese than when used to describe people.