Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I was trying to throw out one of the 3 year old’s toys because he hadn’t touched it in a year.

Faced with the loss he suddenly decided his neglected toy was everything and he couldn’t live without it and totally lost his mind and…

ahh beans, he’s inherited my break up angst.

I was holding a yard sale. Someone held up a cookbook and asked “Is this vegan?”

I said they don’t make book binding glue from horses anymore, so she can eat any of the books on the table.

I lost the sale, but the confused look on her face was worth way more than 75 cents.

I have a very defined ab.
That’s not a typo, I only have a single ab

My family takes turns with who hosts Thanksgiving each year. When it was my cousin’s first time to host, she put the turkey in the oven, but forgot to turn the oven on. She was taken out of the hosting rotation. Brilliant.

I think my wife has been messing with me, my present this year was two socks that had been missing from the laundry.

I think my garbage man is flirting with me; he keeps putting his hands around my waste.

How long do I need to wait after getting the vaccine before I can start wiping my boogers on strangers in public again?

My body is a temple

for potatoes.

The most dangerous types of canoes are volcanoes.

O: put your seatbelt on, honey
o: i will, mom
O: you ready?
ø: yes

I told him I’d send him nudes everyday he was sick, but we are on day 17 now… how long does the flu normally last?

genie: i’ll grant you one wish now and then an additional wish every six months

me: i thought i got three wishes right now

genie: trust me this arrangement is much better at reducing your tax burden at the end of the year

Police chief – “I’ve been hearing reports that one of our cops is an undercover lobster”
Me -[struggling to grip coffee mug in huge pincers]

I’d throw you a flower, infact, I’d throw you an entire plant.

I don’t get spin classes, you do know they make bikes that move now too?.. and you can ride to somewhere and get a beer or a sandwich… it’s way more rewarding.

Rose: Paint me like your French girls.
Jack: With armpit hair?

Husband: you’re late

Me: would you believe me if I said it’s because I made a healthy breakfast and then went for a jog

Husband: No

Me: Fine, my pop-tart got stuck in the toaster

If you held a gun to my head and forced me to choose Tobey Maguire’s Spider-Man or Andrew Garfield’s, I’d probably shit my pants.

one day you’re going to see a post that says “you know you’re old if you know what this is” and it’s going to be a wordle score

Her: YOU’RE A PIECE OF SHIT!
Me: Well… at least I’m not all of the shit

King’s men: well don’t just stand there, help us put this egg mf back together again

King’s horses:

If I were a cop, I’d focus on the people going the speed limit. They’re the ones with something to hide.

My 2yo held my face in his hands and whispered oh-so seriously: “don’t go to work daddy, stay with me.”

And so, I am never going to work again.

Everyone gets ONE famous scientologist they’re allowed to pretend isn’t really a scientologist in order to fully and purely enjoy their work.

Pillow fights didn’t last as long in the Stone Age.

It’s raining outside but the weather report assured me that it’s not so I’m not sure what to wear.

Ooh, sorry, I totally misunderstood what you meant by “Come at me, bro”.

I’ll get you a towel.

In my life Ive spent 90% of my money on drugs, drinking and women. The other 10% I wasted.

3 – DAD! HEY DAD!

Me: Don’t yell from the door son! Walk here and talk to me

3 – *walks over*
3 – I stepped in dog poop, what should I do?

I always carry a red Sharpie on me in case I have to draw blood.