everyone’s following their dreams while I’m over here happily following a food truck
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Tupperware: this dating service “Tops and Bottoms” just didn’t turn out the way I thought.
You can tell a lot about a person by their avi.
For instance if they use an egg, they’re probably a chicken.
From Facebook just now…
My boss called in sick of me
Stealing hoodies is for amateurs. Steal his car like a real woman.
Starting your most incoherent sentence with “put simply” to deflect blame onto the reader
My kids are smart but sometimes they say dumb stuff like, “Mom why do you always buy the candy pack with Snickers when you’re the only one who likes them?”
Oh hey, sorry I accidentally rolled out of your bed, across your floor, down the stairs, out the door, into my car and back in my own bed.
The best thing about a rabbit is it doesn’t matter how bad a lay you are, everyone compares good sex to you.
I’m just a girl
Hiding under a bed
Hoping his wife leaves soon
Again
Jealous that secret agents can get out of any phone conversation at any time by saying “it’s not safe to talk on the phone right now”
My office is across the hall from my bedroom but I won’t let that stop me from blaming this snowstorm for making me late tomorrow
HOT LOCAL MOMS IN YOUR AREA ARE WAITING TO TUCK U IN & WILL BE CHECKING THAT TOOTHBRUSH SO GET IN THERE & DO IT RIGHT MISTER
The band and I decided to go our separate ways after they saw my audition.
I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him
GOD, I hope he calls me.
Hi, it’s me. The guy who was just complaining about it being to warm in November. You might think this would preclude me from *also* complaining about how cold it’s gotten now but I contain multitudes.
They say you should do at least one thing each day that frightens you. Today that will be laundry.
i love googling stuff. imagine not being able to google stuff. i would know next to nothing about the great molasses flood of 1919.
[wife putting groceries away]
“where’s the bread?”
i got mugged
“specifically for bread?”
[cuts to me feeding a duck i hide in the shed]
yes
Handing out one tic tac each this Halloween so that children can learn that life is full of little disapointments
I hate when people I know visit my city w/o asking me what to do. What do you mean you’re going to The Coughing Museum?
If the virus can keep becoming a new version of itself so can you.
Our UPS guy has won 389 FitBit challenges just from walking back and forth to our front door.
I put a message in a bottle and threw it in the Ocean. The note said “I have Tuberculosis and I coughed in this bottle”
Just saw a girl wearing a “BAD GAL” t-shirt so I yelled “NO!” & smacked her on the nose with a rolled up newspaper.
Secret to peaceful parenting is to never tell your child the plans for the day
Is it smoky eye or were you wearing mascara and your eyes got itchy?
The dog seemed okay with living in a Jewish household until we scheduled his circumcision